


Good Days and Bad - Collected Drabbles

by Midnight_Snow (SparkyCola3)



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Author is mean to Dirk, Bad Language Blame Todd, Because Dirk's adorable and needs a lot of protecting, Cinnamon Roll Dirk Gently, Dirk's cool with it (he isn't), Drabble Collection, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Lots of Hurt, M/M, Ok but he needs to deal with some of this stuff, Other, Protective Amanda, Protective Farah, Protective Mona, Protective Rowdies, Protective Todd, but lots of comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:13:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 57
Words: 76,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26884936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SparkyCola3/pseuds/Midnight_Snow
Summary: A collection of ficlets tied together by the general theme of Dirk Whump. Generally Post S2 with a lot of reference to Blackwing.Expect to see a few themes repeated - sorry I just like some things and can't keep track of where I've used them already...Various trigger warnings around the various types of abuse I put Dirk throughQuite a bit of shameless idea theft (sorry) - from authors including but not limited to the inspirational thewrongplath, flightinflame, scarletkestrel, ToMarsAndBeyond3, electricteatime, Lynds, DontoffendTheBees et al.
Relationships: Dirk Gently/Other(s), Todd Brotzman & Dirk Gently, Todd Brotzman/Dirk Gently
Comments: 68
Kudos: 44





	1. The Noise of The Universe

Summary: Set immediately after S2. How can Dirk relax knowing that Blackwing are still out there?

"I'm so glad that case is over." Todd said, tiredly. After getting no response he prompted "Dirk?"

"Hmm?" Dirk said distractedly 

"Come on man, you must be tired, and your leg is still healing. Why don't you take the bed tonight and I'll sleep on the sofa."

"No, Todd. Thank you but the sofa is perfectly comfortable." 

Something in the way he said it made Todd not want to argue back so he just nodded. 

"Are you ok?"

Dirk looked lost and scared and alone for half a second but then gave him the ghost of a smile. "Probably not. I expect I need a good night's sleep."

"Ok. See you tomorrow." Todd retreated to the bedroom and closed the door. 

He stood there for a moment. He was so, so tired, but there was a nagging voice that told him that even by Dirk's standards there had been something 'off' about the last conversation. Not exactly lying, but some...strategic non-truthing going on perhaps. 

He opened the door just in time to see Dirk close the front door behind him. 

He ran across the room and opened the door "Wait, Dirk, where are you going?" 

"Nowhere." Dirk said, standing against the wall of the corridor. "I just wanted to stand out here for a bit."

"Don't lie to me Dirk." Todd said, stress and exhaustion had worn his patience thin. "You were leaving weren't you?"

Dirk stared at him for a moment and then said "That's not very good detecting, Todd. If I were leaving, I wouldn't have left behind my possessions."

"You don't have any possessions, you're like... the least materialistic person I know."

"Actually, Todd, I have a t-shirt and a cone. And I would not have left them behind if I were planning to leave."

Todd paused. He believed Dirk, and felt a strange desire to buy him a proper gift that wasn't an old band t-shirt or a random cone, but it still didn't answer the question of what he was really up to. Dirk continued "Besides, I wouldn't have just left without saying goodbye. You might have thought I'd been abducted again."

That is exactly what Todd would have thought, and why he was so on edge right now, he realised. A couple of months ago he'd turned his back for 5 minutes and his best friend had disappeared. Having only just got him back, he wasn't about to let him disappear again. 

"Then what are you doing out here?" 

"I just wanted to sit out here for a bit." Dirk said with unconvincing nonchalance. 

"Tell me." Todd said sternly. 

Dirk sighed. "Just in case... you know. Blackwing show up." 

Todd glanced to the door at the end of the corridor and then back at Dirk. 

"So what, if they show up you're just going to... let them take you? After Farah and I spent 2 months on the run trying to get you out of there?" 

"I wouldn't let them take me Todd, I wouldn't have any choice. Any more than last time. Do you think I want to go back there?"

"I don't know - you're literally standing outside waiting for them." 

Todd felt it had been the wrong thing to say at the expression of shock on his friend's face.

"Well I don't." he said shakily, "I ... I hate that place, it scares me more than you can possibly imagine. But I won't let them kill you, or take you along as leverage just to get at me. So I'll just wait out here and hope they don't come but if they do, they'll only get me." 

Todd felt all the self-righteous indignation drain out of him. He was being selfish again: thinking of his own need to protect Dirk and ignoring the fact that his friend was utterly terrified that Blackwing would come for him, unable to sleep for thinking about it. The only thing he was more afraid of was Todd getting hurt because of him, so as usual he was trying to be brave when all he really wanted was to huddle under a duvet in a corner somewhere and hide.

"Do you really think they're coming for you?" Todd asked, wondering if they would ever be free or would have to go on the run for the rest of their lives. 

"I wish I knew. I have no idea what they're up to, what they're planning, but I do know that this Ken person is far more dangerous than Riggins ever was." 

Todd thought for a moment. 

"You stayed out of there for 16 years and the only reason they caught you again was really because the Universe needed you to solve a case there. Maybe the Universe won't let them take you back. It needs you out here to fix things doesn't it?" 

"I wish I could believe that Todd, but the Universe left me in there for 10 years in the first place. I don't think it cares about me very much."

"It doesn't have to care about you as such, just need you elsewhere. Remember that day at the cafe when they took you? You got a hunch right? You left the cafe"

"I felt a strong desire to walk down that alleyway."

"On your own."

Dirk nodded. 

"The Universe left me and Farah so that we could escape, because it needed us to help you later on. It's like it planned the whole thing."

"Maybe. I still don't know how the Universe could really stop them though, if they wanted to capture me."

"We'll talk to Farah tomorrow and find out what her back up plans are if anything goes wrong. I know she's thought about it already. But right now you need to sleep. If you wait out here, I'll just have to wait out here with you, so you might as well come back inside."

Todd didn't know what the Universe had planned for them, but he did know he would do anything to prevent Blackwing abducting his best friend again. 

They went back inside. 

"The only thing that made me happy while I was in Blackwing was knowing that you and Farah weren't stuck in there too. That you were out there living your normal lives."

"We were not sitting around having coffee you know, we were on the run for months looking for you."

"Yes, so that I could help you find Amanda, I know that now, but at the time I thought you were safe."

Todd was taken aback. "You really think we were only looking for you so we could find Amanda?" 

Dirk shook his head in confusion. "Why else?"

"Are you serious right now? Dirk, we were looking for YOU. If Mona hadn't broken you out of there we would have. I mean sure I was worried about my sister as well, but we wouldn't have just left you there and gone on with our normal lives like nothing had happened. Is that really what you thought we'd do?"

Dirk shifted uncomfortably. "Yes?" he answered, aware it was the wrong answer but the truthful one. 

Todd once more paused to consider things from Dirk's point of view instead of his own. He sat on a stool at the kitchen counter, and Dirk sat opposite him.

"You know when I said you deserved to be alone? That isn't true you know" 

"We both said things we didn't mean back then-"

"Yeah I know but, but what you said to me was...well, it was harsh, but it was true. What I said to you... it wasn't, it isn't. You deserve better than to be left alone all your life thinking that no one cares enough to look for you." 

"Thank you Todd. That means a lot to me." 

"We're going to do it you know."

"Do what?" 

"We're going to set up Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency right here in Seattle. We'll have our own office, and-

"And a sign?"

"Yeah, a really big sign over the reception area-"

"We'll have a reception area." Dirk echoed, eyes lighting up with excitement at the thought.

"And we're going to live our lives how we want to. They don't get to win this. They've taken enough of your life and now, now it's our turn." 

Dirk looked at him with that look of admiration that made Todd feel like he was someone unusually awesome. He had to remind himself that the bar had just been set extremely low in Dirk's life to date, or it would go to his head. 

"You're absolutely right. It's bad enough being pushed around by the universe, I'm not going to let them push me around as well." 

Todd got up wearily. "Promise you'll go to sleep?"

"I'll certainly try." Dirk said as he got up with the help of the crutches. Todd gave him a gentle hug, feeling Dirk tense instinctively before hugging him back a second later. He wondered how long it would be before Dirk felt comfortable with people touching him. 

Todd went back to his bedroom but left the door conspicuously open this time, so he could keep an eye on Dirk.

Despite his words and his tiredness, it took him a long time to get to sleep, as he tried to make sense of the craziness that was now his life.


	2. Panic Attack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Dirk is suffering from PTSD from his time in Blackwing, the recent visit recalling the unresolved trauma from his childhood. His friends are there to support him. Protective!Todd, Protective!Farah, friendship hurt/comfort. 

Dirk was excitedly explaining some of his ideas to Todd on the future of the Agency, when Farah buzzed up from the ground floor. Todd knew it was Farah because they'd been expecting her, but Dirk stopped abruptly and flinched.

"What's wrong?" Todd asked him, hoping it wasn't a hunch or a new case. They really needed time to recover from the last two.

"Nothing. Sorry." Dirk said looking a little embarrassed, and shook it off. "That must be Farah!" he said, obviously pleased at getting her involvement in planning the next steps for Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency.

\--------------

He'd all but forgotten about it until the next day, when he was returning home with some shopping and realised he had left the key in the apartment. He buzzed impatiently for Dirk to let him in.

He waited, but got no response. He tried again, more insistently. After the third try he looked up at the building and saw the window was open, so he went up the fire escape. How the tables have turned, he thought, now he was the one entering via the window. He was trying hard to pretend he wasn't worried, but had to admit that ever since that day when he'd turned his back for a moment, and lost Dirk to Blackwing for over 2 months, he'd felt a little paranoid.

Did it qualify as paranoia if there really _was_ a top secret agency who wanted to kidnap your best friend? Still, most of the time when he left Dirk alone for a minute he didn't disappear. So...he was probably fine...right? 

After awkwardly clambering through with the shopping he called for Dirk. Leaving the bags by the window he followed a sound to the kitchen and found Dirk huddled on the floor with his arms around his knees, an alarming amount of blood on the floor and on his clothes.

He was clearly having a panic attack and kept repeating "I'm not psychic I'm not psychic I'm not psychic" as though he was begging for his life.

Todd took a quick look around, half expecting to see Priest standing behind him, but he saw the half-made sandwich on the counter, and the kitchen knife on the floor, and decided it probably wasn't a military attack. He knelt by his friend.

"Hey, Dirk it's me, Todd, breathe...it's ok, it's ok, breathe..." he tried to keep his voice calm despite the fact that his heart was racing.

He took the knife off the floor and put it safely in the sink and then tried to find the source of the bleeding. There was too much blood to really see but it seemed to be coming from Dirk's left arm.

"You're bleeding, I'm just going to get a bandage but I'll be back." He raced for the medical kit and came back with the whole thing, setting it down beside him.

He sat in front of Dirk who was still oblivious to him and took his shoulders, trying to get his attention. That definitely made things worse. Dirk started sobbing, his whole body shaking as he whispered "Please don't hurt me...I can't do it I'm sorry I'm sorry, please don't hurt me..."

"Dirk..." Todd swallowed, trying to fight back the tears that threatened as he watched his friend re-live what Blackwing had done to him.

He tried again to get his attention, knowing he wouldn't be able to bandage the arm until Dirk was calmer.

"Listen to me. Focus on my voice, you're ok, you're safe. It's me, Todd, your assis-friend. Remember? Do you remember me? Look at me Dirk. Breathe..."

Something must have got through as Dirk noticeably made an effort to gain control of his breathing.

"Look at me."

Dirk looked at him in terror. "They got you." he whispered in a way that made Todd shiver.

"No, no I'm ok, we're both fine - you got out of there, remember?"

"Then...why are you crying?" Dirk asked softly

"Because my best friend's hurt." Todd answered, too emotionally drained to say anything but the simple truth.

Dirk looked down and seemed to notice all the blood for the first time. He seemed to think that was what Todd meant as he jumped slightly and held his left arm up.

"I... it was an accident." Dirk said, seeming to come round slightly. He looked around him at the apartment, and very slowly let go of some of the tension. 

Todd cleaned the blood away and saw the deep gash on his arm.

"This is going to need stitches." he noted aloud.

"No! No... I don't want to go to hospital... please Todd..."

Todd looked at him helplessly.

"I could... maybe call Farah? She usually knows what to do... maybe she has some field medic training or something"

"Yes, do that. Farah's amazing she can fix it." Dirk agreed readily.

Todd texted Farah. He did what he could with a bandage to at least try and stop the bleeding, and cleaned it up. Then he guided Dirk to sit on the sofa, got him a glass of water, and made a first pass at cleaning the worst of the blood from the kitchen. He sat down next to him.

"What happened?"

"It was an accident." Dirk repeated. He looked very much like a schoolboy about to be told off by the headmaster.

"Ok, I believe you, but can you be more specific?"

Dirk took a deep breath and sighed, then the words tumbled out at speed.

"I got a bit startled by something and panicked a bit and dropped the knife and it sort of landed right in my arm and then I ... panicked some more." Dirk said, apologetically.

"It looked like you were having a panic attack... about Blackwing I'm guessing."

Dirk nodded.

"Hey, it's not your fault." Todd was resisting the urge to use touch to comfort him. He wanted to instinctively, but he understood that Dirk associated touch with pain rather than comfort, just one of many things that made him feel that uncomfortable mixture of sadness and anger.

Dirk tentatively nodded again.

"What was it that triggered the attack?" Todd asked, but almost as soon as he said it he figured out the answer. "Was it ... the buzzer?" he asked uncertainly, recalling yesterday. If he'd known it would trigger a panic attack, he definitely wouldn't have pressed it so often. Damn it, he should have paid more attention...

"It just... it sounds very much like the noise they used whenever I got something wrong on one of their tests... which was all the time because I'm not psychic, as I kept trying to tell them. And they always punish failure. For a moment I just...thought I was back there again. I'm sorry Todd."

"What on earth for?" Todd asked.

"For scaring you and making a mess and not being very strong. And-"

Just then the buzzer went and Dirk jumped, closing his eyes with clenched fists, losing what little colour he had left.

"It's ok." Todd said quickly, "It's Farah, I'm going to let her in ok?"

"Of course." Dirk said tightly. "I'm fine."

Todd ran to the buzzer to let Farah in before she could ring again. He was glad she'd been so quick, since the blood had already come through the bandage he'd put on. He explained the situation to her quickly as she assessed the wound.

"You really should go to hospital Dirk." she recommended. "It'll hurt more if I do it."

"I don't like the hospital." Dirk said quietly. "Please Farah."

Todd wondered if the sterile hospital environment reminded Dirk of Blackwing too much, or if he didn't want them to see the brand burnt into his shoulder of the Project Icarus logo, and start asking questions. Or perhaps between the harpoons and the bullet to the leg he just felt he'd been there enough lately.

Farah didn't look very happy about it, but she sewed up the wound with her usual competence, and Todd couldn't help admiring her. She was so capable, he felt so much safer when she was around, and he only wished she saw herself the way he saw her.

Dirk didn't complain, he hardly moved while she worked, and it was not for the first time that Todd noticed that Dirk seemed terrified of pain, but when he was actually hurt, he could handle it remarkably well. Far better than you might expect. He didn't like to think that it was from sheer practice.

Farah started speaking about halfway through.

"You've probably noticed that I sometimes have anxiety and panic attacks too." she said softly. "And I haven't even been through anything as traumatic as being locked up in a secret government facility and experimented on for several years of my life."

"No but you have been in lots of scary situations. You're much braver than I am." Dirk said. Todd swallowed down the emotion that once more welled up as he watched his closest friends be vulnerable and try to support each other. He would give anything to take away their suffering.

"I don't think that's true."

"Oh it definitely is."

"Well, if I am brave, it's partly because I'm so scared all the time. But that's not my point. I know that we can't ever really understand what it was like for you, growing up in a place like that, or going back there again. But we want to. You can talk to us about it and tell us how you feel and we'll listen."

"Why would you want to know all the horrible things Blackwing did to me?" Dirk asked in confusion.

Todd answered before Farah as she finished up the stitches. "So you don't have to face it all alone."

Todd knew full well that it would have moved his friend at the best of times, but in this already emotionally vulnerable state, Dirk looked down at the floor to hide his face as tears fell softly from already red-rimmed eyes. He still hadn't got used to the idea of having friends, and Todd wondered if he ever would, fully.

Farah finished wrapping a fresh bandage round his arm and squeezed his hand before she stood up.

"I'll make you some tea." she said. Everything else would take longer, but no matter how long it took, they would support each other and be stronger for it. Until then, there was tea.

\---------------------------------------------------


	3. When it rains it pours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: The Rowdies take a little too much of Dirk's energy when he's already hurt, and Todd confronts them. Protective!Todd
> 
> A/N - it really bothers me that the Rowdies take Dirk's energy without asking, and that it doesn't seem to bother anyone else. So, this.

"Dirk, why are you taking a raincoat?" Todd asked, looking at the bright blue sky outside, and knowing no rain was forecast.

"I don't know..." Dirk said vaguely. "I'm British?"

Todd eyed him suspiciously before grabbing his own raincoat.

Two hours later, they were sat on a bench breathing heavily, as it started to rain. Todd put his hood up tiredly.

"Seriously?" Todd muttered. "So the universe doesn't want you to get rained on...but doesn't mind if you go ten rounds with some interdimensional thugs before managing to send them back through a portal to their own universe." Todd observed.

"Tell me about it." Dirk agreed. "Thank you for your assistance back there Todd. That _was_ rather harder than I thought it would be." he added, still breathing heavily, with an arm around his ribs.

"When Farah gets here we're going straight to the hospital"

Todd wished he was allowed to drive at times like this, but he was also glad of the moment to get his breath back. Unlike Dirk, he hadn't been the focus of attention in the fight, but he'd tried his best to protect him and now he felt every ache and pain when he moved, along with the exhaustion of the last few days on the case.

"Oh no..." Dirk groaned suddenly and Todd sat up warily, half-expecting to see said thugs re-appearing through a rift in space-time.

"What is it?" he asked, not seeing anything.

The Rowdies seemed to come out of nowhere as they descended on Dirk and started eating his energy.

"Hey!" Todd said standing up in genuine anger, tiredness replaced by adrenaline. "Get off him!" he shouted, though was ignored. He looked for his sister and found her next to him. "Tell them to stop." he said. She shrugged. "I can't control them when they need to eat."

They finally stopped and Dirk fell to the floor unconscious. That got Amanda's attention as she became worried.

Todd knelt next to him. "Dirk? Dirk... wake up..."

He stood and whirled on the gang. "Give it back!"

They looked at each other uncertainly.

"How dare you just take all of Dirk's energy when he was already hurt and exhausted and you didn't even ask, you just ...just _took_ it - well you can just give it back again. He _needs_ it!"

"It don't work like that." Martin said with a hint of regret in his voice. They had the good grace to look a little ashamed of the situation. They hadn't known that Dirk was in a weakened state or they wouldn't have taken so much.

"Well then this better be the last time you feed off him because next time you'll have to go through me."

Amanda looked at her brother, who looked like David standing up to 4 Rowdy Goliaths. It was vaguely absurd but also touching.

"It's pretty sweet when you go into protective mode." She said with a fond smile but then it faded. "You're also, much as I _hate_ to say it... totally right. I'm kind of ashamed that I didn't figure it out for myself, but you're absolutely right. Feeding off Dirk like that, without his consent... it's a horrible violation. It's not cool." she turned to Martin.

He nodded. "Drummer Girl's right. No more feeding on Icarus."

"His name's Dirk." Todd said irately.

"Dirk tastes so good" Vogel said wistfully.

"Come on guys, let's go." Amanda said. "We can take you both to hospital."

"Thanks but I think you've helped enough." Todd said stubbornly.

"You can't drive. I know you're mad but ... come on. Please."

"Farah's on her way." Todd said resolutely. Amanda sighed and nodded.

"I'll call you later to check up on Dirk." she said and with a nod to the others, left.

\-----

"Oh my god what happened? You didn't tell me Dirk was unconscious, why didn't you call an ambulance?" Farah said while simultaneously checking on Dirk and helping Todd get him into her jeep.

"He was conscious until the Rowdies decided to use him for _lunch._ " Todd said, bitterly.

He filled her in on the way and was glad to have someone share his indignant anger, as well as more than glad to have her take over being in charge. When he got to the hospital, he sat down in the waiting room and fell asleep.

"Hey." Todd answered the phone, the next morning. He'd been home, showered, changed, eaten, brought a change of clothes for Dirk and returned to the hospital in that time, secure in the knowledge that Dirk's condition was not critical, and mainly involved him on an IV and in desperate need of sleep. Ok, so Farah had still had to convince him to leave and had stayed to keep watch over their friend while he was gone, knowing as well as Todd did just how much Dirk hated waking up alone in hospitals.

It was Amanda. "Hey. I just wanted to know how Dirk's doing... is he ok?"

"He's still asleep. The doctors say he just needs rest, a lot of it. But he'll be ok."

Amanda breathed out in relief.

"But I meant what I said back there, Amanda." Todd said sternly. "They'd better not do that again."

"They won't, I spoke to them. Hey, uh.." Amanda began nervously, "do you know why Dirk tastes so good to them?"

"I dunno I guess because he's ... holistic?"

"That's what I thought too, but that's not it. They feed off negative energy, that's why they like the energy I give off when I'm having an attack, it's the pain but especially the fear they like the taste of."

"So they like Dirk because he's terrified of them?" Todd queried, even less impressed with their behaviour.

"It's more than that... he's spent so much of his life afraid that it's all stored up and those memories and feelings are just below the surface."

"What? Wait - so as well as sapping his energy, they make Dirk relive all of his childhood trauma while they're feeding off him? Well that's just _great_ Amanda. That's exactly what he needs!" Todd ranted.

"It gets worse." Amanda admitted guiltily. "it's partly my fault they chose Dirk. I've been trying to stop them from attacking random people and feeding off them... so they got really hungry, and Dirk is kinda like their food bank in times of emergency."

"Food Bank?!" Todd repeated in a barely suppressed shout.

"I know I know... but hey it's not their fault either! They can't help being energy vampires that's just how the universe made them."

"But unlike Dirk they can actually _control_ their power. It's not right Amanda and you know it."

"Yeah, I get it." Amanda said, slightly defensively. "We're trying to figure out a system, ok? Like... they can feed off bad guys or something. They need to eat somehow. Especially since I've stopped having as many attacks."

Todd sighed.

"Look, I gotta go. Tell Dirk we're sorry ok? I'm really sorry. Please tell him that."

"I will." Todd said tiredly.

"I'm glad he's got you watching out for him. I love you Todd." she said, and it didn't escape Todd's notice that this was the first time she'd said that since he'd told her the truth.

"Love you too sis. Bye" 

A few seconds of pain and fear, and then feeling exhausted. It sounded like a pararibulitis attack, perhaps that's why he could sympathise so much. He went back to sit next to Dirk and took his hand, which felt too cold so he rubbed it a little to get some warmth into it.

He knew there was something else bothering him.

"You don't deserve to be treated like that Dirk." he said softly. "Why didn't you tell them to stop?"

He put his hands over Dirk's thoughtfully.

"I don't mean to... victim-blame or anything. I know there's four of them and only one of you. And they have weapons. And even if they didn't they'd still be absolutely terrifying." He sighed, flushing slightly. "and come to think of it, you probably did ask them to stop ages ago, in a very polite, British kind of way." he shook his head at how clearly he could picture the scene. He was totally victim blaming.

"I guess, sometimes it feels like you undervalue yourself. I mean, it's obvious you're used to walking into dangerous situations completely recklessly, with no plan or anything... and the only time you seem to recognise that it's a bad idea is if I'm there too. It's like you think the Universe has a right to use you and it also has a right to hurt you in the process, so you don't even question it any more. I wish you would count yourself as well as me, when considering how dangerous something is. Because it's not cool. If something's going to hurt you, it's not... it's not acceptable." Todd finished, feeling that he had expressed himself poorly, as always.

Dirk didn't noticeably wake up, and it could just have been Todd's imagination, but he thought he felt Dirk squeeze his hand just slightly.

\-------------

A day after his release from hospital, Dirk was ready to go back to the office.

"What's the weather going to do today?" Todd asked, partly teasing, but partly curious.

"Todd." Dirk said irritably.

"I know I know, it doesn't work like that..."

"Wait... this isn't my rain coat." Dirk said, looking curiously at the coat in his hands that Todd had brought back from the hospital with the rest of Dirk's things.

"Was there a mix up at the hospital? It looks exactly like it..." Todd pointed out.

"It does. And yet..." Dirk rifled through the pockets and brought out a wallet that was not his, inspecting the driving licence. "It in fact belongs to one Mr. Ulysses Gomez. Todd, I think we've just found our next case!"

"Finding Mr. Gomez?"

"That too. I was thinking more along the lines of finding out why any parent would _purposefully_ name their child Ulysses. But perhaps if we find him we can ask."

The excited gleam in Dirk's eye was contagious and Todd smiled in spite of his reservations. They were just finding a guy right? What could go wrong...


	4. Roadtrip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Todd suggests a roadtrip but Dirk seems to hate the idea. Todd and Farah find out what's bothering him...   
> Angsty Past + Protective! Friends (which could be said of all of my stories tbh)

Todd, Dirk, Mona, and Farah had moved into a house share after the events of Wendimoor. It just seemed like the natural thing to do: all of them were looking for a new place to stay, and they all needed each other. Todd with pararibulitis, Farah with anxiety, and Dirk with... well, quite a few things.

Neither Todd nor Farah were quite sure Dirk should _ever_ be left unsupervised, but he was also still recovering from Blackwing in more ways than one. Mona just needed a place she could be herself without fear or judgement.

It worked for them, and even if living and working at the agency with the same group of people was possibly a little claustrophobic at times, they each had their own rooms and their own places to go when they needed space. Todd went to a local jam session on Friday nights with his guitar, Farah spent quite a lot of time at the gym and gun range, Mona would flutter off to the park as a butterfly or bird, and Dirk always seemed to have some new hobby on the go. The current hobby was trying to learn how to cook: with varying degrees of success, and varying amounts of mess made afterwards.

They met up at breakfast as they usually did before going into the office. Todd raised an idea that was obviously not entirely spontaneous.

"Hey you know I was thinking... we just had three cases in a row, even if the last two did turn out to be kind of the same case. The weather's too good to be cooped up inside all day, why don't we all, you know. Go on a roadtrip?"

Dirk tensed, made all the more noticeable by the fact that the forkful of pancake on its way to his mouth made a slow retreat back to the plate. He looked down at it, so Todd couldn't see his expression.

Farah nodded after a moment of thought. "That's actually not a bad idea. I can route any calls to my cell so we'll know if someone needs us for a case, all the paperwork is up to date... and you're right, we deserve a break."

"Dirk?" Todd asked, a little worried.

"Just so that I'm absolutely clear, a roadtrip is where we all go somewhere, and do something, and then we all come back again...?" Dirk said finally looking at Todd.

Todd raised an eyebrow. He would never get used to his friend's endless quirks.

"Yeah, you know, like a vacation." he said, restraining a desire to use sarcasm.

Dirk still looked a little doubtful. "Why?" he eventually asked, slowly.

"So that we can relax and have some fun together without being in fear of our lives. See some national parks maybe - like - have you ever seen the Grand Canyon?"

Farah interrupted "I've always wanted to see the Grand Canyon, that would be an amazing road trip!"

"The Grand Canyon..." Dirk said, a little nervously.

"Dirk, trust me, you'll love it. And we could see Monument Valley too. Unless... is it a hunch?"

"No, no it's fine. I guess ...if you really want to go...we can go." Dirk said, sounding hopeless.

"Ok. Come on Dirk, out with it. What is it you're so worried about? Just talk to us." Todd said.

Dirk looked at him, then Farah, and seemed to relax slightly at the interested concern he read on their faces.

"It's probably stupid, it's just that I've only ever been on holiday once before, when I was 8. My parents took me to Snowdonia in Wales and walked for miles into the wilderness...and then they...sort of... left me there."

"By accident?" Farah asked.

Dirk just shook his head.

"They...your..." Todd realised this was the first time Dirk had ever spoken about his parents. "Your parents abandoned you in the middle of nowhere? On purpose?"

"In the middle of _North Wales_ Todd, but otherwise, yes. You see I was a bit of a trouble magnet as a child...they thought I was cursed. I kept finding myself in the middle of all sorts of unfortunate situations. We'd already had to move house _twice_ by that point, after I upset all the neighbours one way or another. The police had us on a watchlist for suspicious activity."

"I seriously hope you're not _defending_ them right now." Todd said, appalled that any parent could try to abandon their own child, let alone his best friend.

"Oh no, there's a reason I changed my name, Todd. They weren't very good parents and I don't want anything to do with them. I suppose my point was just that I do know that I'm not an easy person to be around. I want you to know that I'm _aware_ of that."

"So you thought, when Todd suggested going on holiday, that what he really wanted was to leave you somewhere the same way your parents did?" Farah asked softly.

"I don't know." Dirk said looking guiltily at them.

"Hey it's all right" Farah continued, before Todd could respond with indignation. "Now you've explained it makes total sense why you might worry about that. But you know we're not like them right? We don't think you're cursed."

Dirk nodded, relaxing slightly at Farah's understanding.

"Yeah." Todd sighed, knowing that Farah was right. "It's not your fault you had such a shitty childhood. But there's no way we'd ever leave you behind like that Dirk. And now I think we HAVE to have a holiday just to show you what it's supposed to be like."

Farah smiled. "Make some good memories to overwrite the bad ones." she supported.

Dirk smiled "I'd like that."

"By the way...what actually...happened in the end? When they left you... did someone find you?"

"By a series of coincidences I managed to get home before they did. I think that didn't help to be honest, they looked absolutely terrified when they opened the front door and found me sitting there like some sort of demon child. My father was very angry with me, he... well. He was angry with me anyway." Dirk said, trembling slightly, and Todd balled his hands into fists at the thought of ever meeting Dirk's father.

"Then three years later they gave me to the CIA on the condition that they never saw me again." Dirk was looking down at the table again, getting drawn back into that past where he'd been so alone and rejected by those who were supposed to love him. 

"I'm sorry Dirk." Farah said softly. She put a hand on his arm and rubbed it reassuringly.

"I thought I hated Blackwing, but I think I hate your parents even more." Todd said with a frown. "But you've got us now - we're your family. Just remember that."

"Thank you Todd." Dirk looked at him. "And Farah's right, we shall go on our first proper holiday and see the Grand Canyon and ...the great outdoors." he ended vaguely but expressively.

"Great! I'll start making some arrangements" Farah said, leaving the table with the content look of activity she got when given stuff to do, stuff she would be good at.

Todd smiled reassuringly at the detective.

"And Dirk? You're not hard to be around. At least not any more than any of the rest of us."

Dirk didn't really believe that, but he couldn't help the smile that came anyway.

"The four of us and the open road. It'll be like being back on tour but so much better this time" Todd said wistfully as he got up and Dirk looked down at the chair next to him to see it wobble excitedly, happy not to have been forgotten. He gave Mona a pat and went to decide what to pack.


	5. Breaking Habits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Todd finds out why Dirk sleeps the way he does and they have a chat about Blackwing.

"You can...make yourself comfortable you know. I mean, you don't have to feel awkward, this bed is practically bigger than my whole apartment" Todd said.

On one side of the bed, Dirk had been lying like he was about to go into surgery, staring up at the ceiling. He looked at Todd in surprise.

"I am comfortable, thank you Todd. I don't find it awkward at all. Farah was right, there's no way we could afford two rooms at this place, the en-suite has taps made out of gold, Todd, _actual_ gold. It's so swanky that it manages to pass right through tacky and back to posh again at least two times over."

Todd nearly followed this line of thought but shook his head. "You can't seriously be comfortable like that?"

"Why not?"

"Well..it just looks... so unnatural. You don't look like you're relaxed and about to go to sleep."

Dirk shrugged. "Force of habit I suppose. But don't worry Todd I'll sleep fine."

"What do you mean force of habit?"

"Well..." Dirk said a little hesitantly "At Blackwing they made us sleep in restraints... I suppose I just got used to it."

"Everything you tell me about them makes me hate them more." Todd said darkly.

"I suppose I could try to... unlearn that habit. It would hardly be the first"

Todd got into the other side of the bed and with a remote control flipped a TV screen towards them. He didn't turn it on though, staring at it for a while.

"Are you going to turn that on at some point during the course of my lifetime Todd?"

"How do you..." he sighed. "How is it that out of the two of us, I'm the angry, bitter one, even though you're the one who's been through all the shit?"

It was inelegant in expression, but it did the job.

"Why would I be angry or bitter, Todd, I'm a detective with my own agency, I have friends - not just an amazing best friend but I even have _additional_ friends, we spend our days helping people and have unlimited access to milkshakes and all day breakfast restaurants. Anyone would be happy with my life."

"See you're doing it again... and don't get me wrong Dirk I'm glad you're happy, and I guess, I get how in contrast to how things were before, everything seems pretty good right now. It's just... you had so much taken from you. And it's so, so unfair and shitty and ...nightmarish, all the things you've been through... I guess what I'm trying to say is it's ok if sometimes you want to talk or get angry about it or feel bad or whatever. If you really are happy - then great, but just know that you never have to _pretend_ to be happy, if you're not."

Todd finished, realising that he'd rambled on far longer than he had expected to.

"I _was_ angry you know." Dirk said quietly, after a long pause. "As a teenager in Blackwing I was angry quite a lot, and it got me in a lot of trouble one way or another. And then after Blackwing I was mostly...scared. Of everything, all the time. But I moved through all of that because I didn't have any choice."

Dirk took a deep breath and continued, while Todd listened with full attention. "And I don't mean to say that everything's sunshine and rainbows all the time but the thing is, I refuse to let Blackwing ruin my life forever. They may have taken 12 years and 4 months, and my parents, and many other things, and I... I don't think I'll ever feel _safe_ exactly..."

Todd clamped down on the heartbreak he felt at those words to continue to pay attention.

"...but I don't see why they should be allowed to take away all chance of happiness from me. Right now I have everything I want and I bloody well intend to enjoy it. But.. you're right that sometimes things catch up with me or get a bit...overwhelming. If that happens, I'll let you know."

Todd smiled at his friend reassuringly, pleased to be trusted by this unique person. In awe of Dirk's courage and resilience. Incredulous that he was the one who got to spend time with the magical detective that was Dirk Gently.

He finally turned the TV on and they watched Midsomer Murders in companionable silence.


	6. It's nothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk breaks something and it triggers a PTSD response, which brings out Todd's protective instincts

They'd been talking animatedly about a case and perhaps that was the problem, since Dirk was trying to make a round of tea, while simultaneously explaining a rather complicated series of events which resulted in lost luggage containing either $100,000, or a very rare species of iguana, or someone's holiday packing. At this point, Todd hadn't entirely followed along and was about to ask for a backtrack - but saw in slow motion his mug slip from Dirk's hands onto the floor and smash to pieces.

There was a natural silence that followed this startling noise, then an unnatural one as Dirk froze in place, having stopped talking mid-word.

Todd hopped down from the counter to find the dustpan and brush.

He dug it out of a cupboard and noticed that Dirk had yet to move an inch and had an unreadable expression on his face.

"Dirk, you ok?"

"I'm sorry" he said quickly. Something about the whole incident felt off to Todd so he decided to tread carefully.

"It's just a mug Dirk it's no big deal." he said as he swept it up and put it into the bin. When he stood up Dirk flinched slightly, and he frowned at the response.

"What is it?" he asked in concern.

"Nothing..." Dirk said, shaking his head slightly. "Nothing I just... it's nothing." he said taking a breath.

"Hey's it's ok - talk to me." Todd said, watching him carefully.

"It's really nothing Todd. Just that if I'd done something like that in Blackwing they would have punished me for it. I know you wouldn't do something like that I just... " Dirk gave a helpless shrug.

"Punished how?" Todd asked with a frown.

"Usually they'd just beat me but it depends if Mr. Priest happened to be in that day or if I'd done something particularly bad. Then they tended to get more creative. But I'd rather not talk about that."

Todd's fists clenched instinctively until he noticed that Dirk was watching his hands and he forced himself to relax.

"I'm sorry. That you had to go through that I mean."

"I thought I'd got over all of that a long time ago but I guess this recent trip down memory lane has ...reawakened some old habits." Dirk gave an apologetic shrug. 

Todd felt a mixture of compassion for his friend, anger at Blackwing, admiration for Dirk's courage, and helpless frustration at the sheer injustice of it all. He didn't know anyone who deserved to feel safe more than Dirk, and he decided that from now on, he would make absolutely sure that their apartment and the agency were places Dirk felt completely safe.

"I won't ever let them take you back there. You know that right?" he said after a moment.

Tears welled in Dirk's eyes as he smiled at him in response. "Thank you Todd." he said.

They both knew there wasn't much Todd could do against the CIA and US military if they really insisted on capturing Dirk again, but it meant enough to Dirk that there was someone who cared enough to try.

As for Todd, he'd take on the bastards that had hurt his friend without a second thought.


	7. It's too dangerous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a short and fluffy bit of Brotzly where Todd admits how he feels to Dirk and things don't quite go as he'd planned

Todd sighed and rubbed his eyes "Shit." he said.

"Todd?" Dirk queried.

"This is the dumbest idea I've ever had and you know I've got some track record" he muttered to himself while shaking his head. "But here goes nothing."

He looked at Dirk suddenly.

"Dirk you know how much I value you as a friend right?"

Dirk's expression of worry intensified "I sense a 'but' coming..." he said warily.

"I just think you have a right to know that, I have feelings for you that go beyond friendship. What you choose to do with that is up to you" he said, echoing some long-remembered advice from Amanda about a similar situation back in high school. "But I...I love you." he shrugged almost apologetically as he watched Dirk carefully to see what his response would be.

Dirk swallowed. "But Todd I..." he trailed off, he looked distant for a moment and Todd was alarmed to see tears welling up in his eyes. Dirk shook his head, and then looked at the floor. "I don't _deserve_ to be loved." he stated firmly.

Todd had thought he'd predicted every possible response to his announcement, and yet this one completely threw him.

Before he could formulate a response Dirk had left the room so quickly Todd practically blinked and missed it.

"Wait!" he yelled, chasing after him.

He saw Dirk's bedroom door close, but knew that it didn't have a lock. His hand hovered over the handle, but he sighed, knowing that he'd be a hypocrite not to respect Dirk's privacy after spending so much time trying to teach Dirk the etiquette of boundaries.

He knocked instead and said "Can I come in?"

There was a slight sniffle and a pause but eventually Dirk said a muffled "Ok."

Todd sighed in relief and entered. Dirk was sitting on his bed, arms round his knees, tear tracks visible.

"You... you can come in, but you can't love me Todd. It's too dangerous."

"Look, I understand if you don't feel the same way, I mean it sucks but I get it - and that's totally fine. But of course you _deserve_ to be loved Dirk. Just - " Todd sighed. "It's ok if you don't have those kind of feelings for me."

"Of _course_ I..!" Dirk blurted out but stopped himself. "I'm not supposed to have _friends_ let alone _boyfriends_." he whispered. "This is all my fault..."

But Todd had heard the near-admission and felt superpowers of confidence surge through him. It was all he needed to hear. Now he could take on any Blackwing brainwashing bullshit because whether he said it out loud or not, Dirk loved him back.

He sat on the bed and took Dirk's hands. "Breathe." He ordered, and waited for Dirk to calm himself a little. "You can talk to me Dirk, tell me what's going on in your mind right now. I'm guessing Blackwing have something to do with it. Did they put this bullshit in your head about not deserving to be loved?"

"They did tell me that, but I know they were right. My parents loved me, and if they hadn't - if they'd just given me up to Blackwing like they were supposed to, they'd still be alive right now"

"Shit...the CIA...murdered your parents?"

Dirk nodded. "Because they _loved me_ Todd. Blackwing said the same thing would always happen to anyone who cared about me - that's why I'm not allowed to have friends. You _know_ , Todd, you _know_ how dangerous it is being around me. So don't pretend like I'm just being paranoid or something"

Todd sighed. "I understand that your life, the whole holistic thing, and being a detective, is not without risk. But I've also seen how much we lower that risk when we're together. And I want this life. I want to be a detective, I want to help people, I want to spend time with my best friends, and I want _you_ , Dirk, always."

"But...why would I deserve someone like you? You're so brave and clever and I'm a... I don't know what I am but you could certainly do better than a bloody lab rat"

"Don't say that." Todd said angrily. He couldn't bear to hear anyone talk about the person he loved like that, even if it was Dirk himself. Perhaps especially.

"You're NOT Project Icarus. You're Dirk Gently, holistic detective, dedicated to helping people no matter how dangerous it is. You're the best person I know Dirk, and you're crazy brave - not just on cases, but the way you keep going even with all the shit you've been through, and still believe in people and make the world a better place. I won't let you trash talk the man I love. Frankly, it comes across as a bit cheap." he added with a small smile, and saw Dirk look up in recognition of his own words with a look of wonder on his face. 

"You...really..." Dirk stammered.

"I really." Todd said firmly.

There was a pause while Dirk tried to break a life's worth of conditioning. He wanted Todd so much, that he couldn't believe he was allowed to have him with no negative consequences. He had to try and examine it from every angle before putting Todd at risk.

"Look, I know it's a lot to take in when Blackwing spent years teaching you all that shit about not deserving to have people who care about you, but I'll wait. And I'll tell you and show you that they were wrong as often as I have to. I'm not going anywhere."

Dirk stared at him with disbelieving, awe-filled eyes for a moment. Then he shifted position and pulled Todd closer, and softly kissed him.


	8. Instinct

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And at Blackwing...if you got something wrong, what happened?" Todd asked, speculatively. Farah stopped pacing and watched them.  
> "They..." Dirk swallowed.  
> "They hurt you." Farah finished for him, putting the pieces together as Todd had done. Dirk nodded. "But they're not here, so you had to do it for them."
> 
> Warning for self-harm

Another dead end. They were all getting seriously frustrated with this case.

It seemed to be a regular, actual case rather than a universe-holistic-type case, and these were something of a double edged sword. On the one hand, they were much safer and less stressful than universe cases, but on the other, they required actual detective skill rather than relying on 'luck' and 'coincidence' to take convenient shortcuts. It was easy to get used to Dirk providing those handy shortcuts and if they were honest, all of them felt a little bit nervous, a little bit like _imposters_ when it came to 'real' cases.

They'd had a couple of cases like this in a row and had relied on Farah quite a bit, but even Farah's patience was wearing thin with this one.

When Todd and Farah came in from another dead end they found Dirk distractedly pinging rubber bands at his desk lamp.

"Ugh." Farah exhaled as she slumped into her chair.

"Anything?" Dirk asked hopefully.

"I feel like we're further away than when we started." Todd said miserably. 

"Are you sure you can't find the dog using your" Todd waved his arms about vaguely. "mystical universe thing"

"That's not how it-"

"Works yeah I know." Todd sighed

"But come on Dirk, you must be getting SOME kind of hunch by now?" Farah added with a note of desperation. "I mean that's your whole thing right? You can't tell me your contribution to this case is running down the office stationery."

"Believe me, I want to help, but..." Dirk visibly deflated. "I'm basically useless. I'm not a real psychic and I'm not a real detective, I'm nothing of any use to anyone. I don't know why Blackwing kept me around so long." He looked at the floor. "I don't know why you do either." he added quietly.

Todd looked up at him, in surprise. There was a moment of awkward silence before Farah got up and sat on Dirk's desk facing him. "We keep you around because we love you. I'm _guessing_ it's the same reason you keep _us_ around." she said with a hint of good humour. She took his hand. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said."

Dirk started crying, and Todd wheeled over to sit next to him, worry lining his features as Farah, always prepared for anything, handed him a tissue.

"Todd... you know you said I should tell you if I was feeling...not ok..."

"Always...you can talk to us Dirk, what is it. Is it this case?"

Dirk shook his head. "I... I did something...that I think might make you angry at me." he said, looking so lost that, just in that moment, it was impossible for Todd to imagine ever being angry with him.

"I'll ...try not to be. What is it?"

Dirk flushed red and looked at the floor, then very slowly pulled his sleeve up carefully to reveal a burn on his left arm.

"What happened?" Farah took his arm and examined the long series of blisters on the inflamed red skin.

Dirk didn't say anything.

"Was it an accident?" Todd prompted.

He remained resolutely silent and Farah took a deep breath. "Did you do this to yourself?" she asked softly.

Todd stared at Dirk in silent, wide-eyed astonishment as he nodded, once, still not looking at either of them. It hadn't occurred to him to even ask that question, let alone consider that his optimistic, enthusiastic friend could ever deliberately hurt himself. Didn't the universe put him in harm's way enough as it is?

"Why?!" Todd asked, and though it was more bafflement than anger, Dirk still flinched just slightly.

"I don't know." Dirk said in a small voice. "I just felt like I had to."

"Like a hunch?"

"No, not exactly...not like a hunch... it just felt ...I don't know."

Farah got up and paced up and down as she did when she needed to think something through.

Todd stayed with Dirk, staring at the arm in puzzlement.

"What were you thinking?" Todd asked.

"I know, I'm sorry..."

"No I mean - what were you thinking just before you...burned yourself?" he said, hating saying the words out loud and making them real.

"I was just thinking about how badly the case was going. All the dead ends and how wrong I've been about everything."

"And at Blackwing...if you got something wrong, what happened?" Todd asked, speculatively. Farah stopped pacing and watched them.

"They..." Dirk swallowed.

"They hurt you." Farah finished for him, putting the pieces together as Todd had done. Dirk nodded. "But they're not here, so you had to do it for them."

"I don't..." Dirk said in a pained voice.

"It's all right, Dirk, it's not your fault." Farah said gently. "Those bastards taught you, for years, when you were just a child, that if you ever got something wrong or failed at anything, you had to be hurt as a punishment."

"But I hate Blackwing, I hated being punished, and I hate pain." Dirk objected.

"I know but they made it...an _instinct_. When you feel like you've got something wrong, you _expect_ the pain to follow, and when it doesn't, it's like there's something missing, something unfinished." she sighed. "On some level, you think you deserve it." she finished sadly.

"No...No." Dirk objected adamently. "That isn't - that's not..." he stood up suddenly. "I got _away_ from them. I'm free now. That isn't..." he swiped the tears away angrily.

"Hey..." Todd said soothingly. "Farah's right, it's not your fault, and we'll figure this out ok? You've got us now, and the next time you feel like that, you just... talk to us instead ok?"

Dirk stopped for a moment, took a deep breath and stared at Todd for a moment. "I really thought you'd be angry." he said with a note of curiosity.

"Oh I am. But not at you. I'll tell you what though I'm pretty fucking furious at the CIA assholes who made you feel this way."

Dirk sighed. "I just want them to go away forever and leave me alone. But even when they're not here they're still... here." he said miserably.

"It sucks, and it's not fair, and I wish I could take all of it away. But for now why don't we clean up that" Todd gestured to the burn, "and then go get something to eat."

Farah got the first aid kit out and started applying the soothing gel to his arm.

"Thank you. Excellent assisting both of you. Wait..." he said, looking far off suddenly. "You said...they'd made it an _instinct_..."

"Yeah?"

"I think I know where the dog is!" Dirk said, eyes lit up with newfound energy

"I don't suppose it can wait until after dinner?" Todd asked as Farah and Dirk mobilised. He sighed. "Stupid question." he muttered as he grabbed his coat.


	9. A Slight Stabbing Situation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Todd notices that Dirk is injured, and takes issue with his sense of priorities. Protective!Todd, hurt/comfort.
> 
> Response to a prompt seen regarding a "light stabbing"

Todd heard the door shut and then Dirk's voice calling cheerfully: "I think I've found a new case!"

He got up to find the detective looking unnaturally dishevelled, with a black eye forming, holding up a leaflet and waving it about.

"Dirk! What happened?" Todd asked, looking him over.

"I ran into some people on the way here. They took my phone...and my wallet... _and_ my jacket...but they dropped this and I'm pretty sure it's a _thing_ "

Just then Todd noticed the way Dirk was holding his side with the non-leaflet hand, and moved closer to see blood seeping through his fingers.

"Jesus Dirk you're bleeding."

"Oh - yes, there may have also been a slight stabbing situation but it's ok I didn't die."

"Not yet!" Todd said in annoyance. He guided Dirk to sit down on a chair and got the medical kit out.

"Look, it's all about a cheese festival in-" Dirk motioned with the leaflet until Todd took it out of his hand and slammed it face down on the table.

"Whatever it is can wait - you were _stabbed_ Dirk, we need to stop the bleeding and make sure you're ok"

"Oh." Dirk said taken aback slightly. "Right, of course. Sorry, I forget sometimes."

"Forget what?"

Todd helped him take off his shirt to find the unnervingly deep and angry looking red gash in his side. He was vaguely aware of other scars but he avoided looking at them, he needed to concentrate and he pressed a wad of gauze into the wound.

"It doesn't matter - I suppose I just got caught up in the excitement of a new case. The last one was so _booooring_ following around that accountant all day-"

"Shit - this is gonna need stitches. Farah can take us to hospital." he said as he texted Farah. "What were you planning to do with this Dirk - were you just going to wait until you passed out from blood loss?" Todd snapped at him, his concern and stress coming out as anger. "What was it you forgot - how to be an adult?"

"Of course not!"

"Well what then?"

"Just ...just that I have people who care about what happens to me these days." Dirk said with a shrug, but Todd felt his heart ache a little. Dirk had _forgotten_ that someone would give a shit about the fact he'd been stabbed. That someone would care that he was hurt.

"Yeah well don't forget because lots of people care." Todd said somehow making it sound petulant, and Dirk smiled at him fondly.

"I know. I'm sorry." Dirk said placatingly.

As they went downstairs to meet get in Farah's jeep, Dirk paused just before the door. "Are you sure it definitely requires a hospital?"

"Yes." Todd said resolutely, and pulled him gently along with him to Farah's car.

Dirk was subdued in the hospital. Since it was late, and the wound had been left so long, the hospital asked him to stay overnight to make sure there were no infections and to put him on an IV to replenish the blood loss.

"Are you sure you're gonna be ok?" Todd asked, aware that since they had arrived Dirk had been slightly on edge, though he was trying to hide it.

"Of course Todd it's hardly my first time in a hospital." and Todd frowned, thinking of all the other scars he'd caught a glimpse of. "I'll be fine. Thank you both for looking after me, I'll see you tomorrow first thing." he smiled at them reassuringly and they left. 

\------

Todd woke at around 5am to the sound of a plant falling over. He grabbed a coathanger to use as a weapon and peered into the living room. When he turned the light on he found Dirk in a hospital gown, next to an overturned plant he had just set right, looking extremely guilty. He'd plainly just climbed through the window.

"Dirk?" he asked tiredly, as though he might be hallucinating.

"Hi." Dirk replied, moving his hand away from his side. Todd had a feeling of deja vu.

"What happened? I thought you were supposed to stay overnight"

"I sort of...ran away. By accident."

Todd stared at him for a moment and then sighed. "I'm going to make some tea. You get changed, then we'll talk."

When they sat down Dirk started talking.

"It was just so... _sterile_." he said, and understanding started to dawn for Todd. "And they stick needles in you and drugs and they look at you but they never really...look at you. I mean they don't really _see_ you - you're just a thing that's there." Dirk sighed "When I woke up there it was dark and I...panicked a bit, I thought I was back ... _there_ so I made for the window and shimmied over to the fire escape. I'm sorry Todd."

"It's not your fault Dirk so don't apologise. I just... I mean, why didn't you say that you didn't want to stay at the hospital? If you'd told us we would never have left you alone there."

Dirk looked down at his hands and sighed.

"I thought I'd got over that particular fear." he shrugged. "I was afraid of so many things when I first left Blackwing. When they disbanded they gave me a residency permit and ID papers and sent me on my way... but it's a big world when you spent most of your life in the same four rooms doing the same things over and over again."

Dirk looked at him sheepishly, "I was a bit of a mess of a human being to be honest, Todd."

Todd looked at him with attentive sympathy but didn't interrupt. Dirk didn't often talk about his former life but that didn't stop Todd being curious about it.

"Don't get me wrong, I was absolutely ecstatic to be free- I can't tell you how happy I was to be outside again. It took me a whole month to realise that I didn't need to take Vitamin D tablets with breakfast any more - I could just go outside" Dirk chuckled slightly but Todd frowned... Blackwing hadn't let Dirk even go outside for the decade he was there? Even federal prisons were more humane than that.

"But I didn't know how to do anything, even basic things, and I was scared of so many things too like, electricity, and scientists, people touching me, electronic voices, windowless rooms, small spaces - well lots of things anyway, including hospitals, but one by one I managed to get over them - or at least, I thought I had."

Dirk blushed suddenly as though he'd said the wrong thing, or more than he meant to and backtracked "I'm probably just tired."

"God I'm sorry Dirk." Todd said with feeling.

"Don't be - I'm fine now, better than ever in fact. It's all just - ancient history Todd. I don't even know why I'm boring you with it."

"Don't do that - seriously Dirk. I'm your friend, I want you to talk to me about this stuff. And it's not ancient history - three months ago you were back there again and it must have been like facing your worst nightmare. And honestly, I think it's good for you to talk about some of this stuff."

"Why?" Dirk asked with genuine confusion.

"So you don't have to carry all of it on your own. I'm here and I'll listen, any time. Even -" he looked at the clock on the microwave, "- 5:30 in the morning" he added with a smile. "Like I said before - you have people who care about you now."

"Thank you." Dirk said, touched.

"Thanks for telling me - I get that it's not easy but I ... I appreciate you trusting me." Todd said, awkwardly.

"I do trust you, Todd." Dirk said "except for making a cup of tea. You're truly terrible at that. But with everything else, you're very trustworthy."

"There's nothing wrong with my tea." Todd said flatly.

"Oh, but there is."

"There's _nothing_ wrong with-"

"I could make a list if you like?"

"That's it, I'm going back to bed." Todd said with a huff, but a small grin at his friend.

"Yes, get some sleep. Tomorrow we have a cheese festival to go to!" Dirk said as he shut the door.


	10. If it came to it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ken visits Dirk and threatens to export him if he doesn't come back to Blackwing voluntarily.   
> Dirk admits to some (book-based) background about his time in the UK to Todd and Farah.

It started as a fairly normal morning: Dirk was always up first, and sat watching the news while eating a bowl of cereal on the sofa. Todd was getting changed in his room and was about halfway through when he heard the front door go.

He paused to listen for Dirk's greeting to tell him who it was, but there was just silence as Dirk turned off the tv. Todd rushed to finish putting on his jeans. With Dirk, silence was never a good sign.

"Hello Dirk." Ken's voice made Todd tense, anger flaring through him. No. Not again. He peeked through the crack in the door and saw the mixture of defiance and terror on Dirk's face, but he didn't say anything, just backed away slowly.

"You don't have to be afraid, I'm not going to hurt you. I just want to talk."

"I'm not going back." Dirk blurted out suddenly.

"I know. I know. I've read your file Dirk - I know what Blackwing did to you as a child. It wasn't easy to read, what they did to you was ...horrific. It should never have been allowed. On behalf of the CIA I apologise, but the times have changed, and so have we. As an organisation our aims are different. You can come with me and-"

"Why on _Earth_ would I ever go with you?" Dirk said with a scathing coldness Todd had never heard him use before.

Todd scrabbled around quietly, trying to find something to use as a weapon, wishing he played baseball or kept one of Farah's guns in his bedroom. Damn it, why was nothing in here suitable for self-defence? He texted Farah.

"Come on Dirk. You're not a normal person. What exactly is there for you here?"

"Are you insane? I finally have an actual life! I have my own agency, I have friends-"

Ken laughed.

"That wasn't a joke." Dirk said indignantly.

"Wasn't it? All your life people have treated you like shit. Now you've found one person who treats you _slightly_ less like shit and you think you've found your new best friend. You forced your way into his life and refuse to leave, and even though you keep putting his life in danger, for some reason you think he wants you around."

"I do want him around." Todd burst out of the room, unable to hear any more of the nonsense coming out of Ken's mouth. "You on the other hand -"

"What is it, Stockholm Syndrome? He kidnapped you and took over your life - that's not how normal friendships form. And hey believe me, I get it- but you don't have to just do whatever he says you know. You have control of your own life Todd."

"Shut up asshole, Dirk's not going with you so you can just get the hell out of here." Todd said, angrily.

"All right all right." Ken said raising his hands. "But if you really care about your so-called 'friends', Dirk, then you'll think about what I've said." He put a card on the table "When you're ready to do the right thing. Or you never know, you might just find Immigration knocking on your door."

He left and they both let out a breath.

\------------------

"He was right about one thing though." Todd sighed. "The only reason you think I'm such a great friend is because you don't have anything to compare it to. I was horrible to you when we first met and a totally shitty person. But because your standards are so ridiculously low, you didn't notice."

"I seem to recall that it had been an unusually stressful day." Dirk said diplomatically.

"That's no excuse."

"He was also right when he said that I forced my friendship on you." Dirk admitted. "I was so desperate for some company I didn't give you much of a choice."

"I had a choice, Dirk, and I chose to be friends with you. Since then I've been trying to be the kind of person who would deserve to have Dirk Gently as a friend."

Todd saw the tears welling up in Dirk's eyes. He knew his friend had been alone for so long that the smallest amount of affection or kindness moved him easily, it was this emotional vulnerability that made Todd so naturally protective of him. But he had to admit it kind of pleased him that he could so easily make Dirk happy, just by pointing out that he had people around who cared about him these days.

The fact that Dirk was looking at him like he was a superhero was one of those things he'd never really get the hang of. Out of embarrassment he changed the subject.

"What did he mean about immigration?"

Dirk looked away and his good mood seemed to dissipate into one of worry.

"I'm sorry Todd. This might be one of those things I was supposed to tell you before we got to this point. To be honest I just sort of...forgot."

"Forgot what?"

"I don't technically have the right to be here." Dirk said sheepishly.

"You mean you... don't have American citizenship?"

Just then Farah burst in through the door. "What's going on?" she said breathlessly, gun in hand. She'd received a text that read simply "Urgent, my place, blackwing" and had ran from the office as fast as she could.

"It's all right they've gone." Todd reassured.

She reholstered her gun. "What did they want?"

"It was Ken." Dirk said. "He came to try and convince me that I want to go back to Blackwing voluntarily."

"Is he insane?" Farah said in disbelief.

"He also threatened to export you." Todd said to Dirk, and Dirk nodded.

"You're here illegally..." Farah said thoughtfully. "I guess you were brought over to the US for a secret government operation, they didn't stop to give you ID."

"Exactly, it was a distinctly unceremonious entrance through the back gate."

"So he's threatening to export you to the United Kingdom?" Farah clarified.

"Yes, well, about that..." Dirk began, looking at them a little nervously.

They waited patiently while he gathered up enough courage.

"It _might_ be the case that I wouldn't be quite...welcome back in the UK. It's a bit of a long story, but I have reason to believe that if I were to go back to the UK, they would probably, very likely in fact... definitely arrest me and throw me in prison."

"What did you do?" Todd asked, somehow surprised and not surprised at the same time.

"When I first got out of Blackwing I wanted to get as far away as possible, and it made sense to go home, so I went back to England. The first thing I did was look up my parents -"

"The ones who tried to abandon you on a mountain?"

"Yes those ones. I wanted to see if they still felt the same way...not to put too fine a point on it, the short version is: they did. So I moved to Cambridgeshire and decided to become a detective. I enrolled on a Criminology course at Cambridge, St Cedd's college."

"You were at Cambridge University?" Todd asked.

"It's not really as impressive as it sounds when you consider that I forged all of the entry requirements. I didn't want to go through all the missed years of schooling, I just wanted to try and be a proper detective who looked like they knew what they were doing. Anyway I only lasted a term before I was expelled." Dirk said.

"What for?" Farah asked, intrigued.

"It was a misunderstanding really. I looked through all the previous exam papers and made a stab at guessing what might be on the end of term exam. And I didn't have any money so when some of the other students wanted to buy it off me I agreed... only it turned out to be quite a good guess."

"You predicted the exam questions?"

"Down to the last comma, unfortunately. But really Todd they do reuse the same questions on these things"

"Come on Dirk." Todd said shaking his head, still impressed with what Dirk could do.

"The University didn't believe me either. Nor the police. They filed criminal charges against me for that along with the forged entry certificates."

"Then what?" Farah prompted

"I panicked. I didn't want to be locked up again so I ran away - I stowed away on a cruise ship pretending to be a waiter, and found myself back in the US."

"So you jumped bail, but that doesn't sound like the crime of the century Dirk. I doubt you're right at the top of the UK's most wanted. Second or third at most" Todd teased.

"Besides, you hold the cards here. The CIA kidnapped you from an allied country, detained you without trial for 10 years, and experimented illegally on you." Farah observed. "You could go to the media at any time and seriously embarrass them at the very least."

"I don't think anyone would believe me. But Todd's right, maybe the British police have forgotten all about me being a fugitive from 12 years ago."

"I can try to find out?" Farah offered. Dirk hesitated.

"As much as I do have a special fondness for the UK, I have to admit that I'd started to think of this as being my home. I guess it's more the people rather than the place."

"After everything they've done to you, I don't think they should be allowed to drive you out the country. But if it comes to it, I'll go with you." Todd said.

"Really?" Dirk said.

"Sure. I've always wanted to see more of Europe anyway. And I doubt cases in the UK are any more crazy than the ones over here."

"It's a bit harder to get hold of guns over there..." Farah frowned but then shrugged. "But sure, why not. I'd go with you too. We'd just have to move the whole agency to England."

Dirk looked at them both in astonishment and speechless happiness.

"You would really do that for me?" he asked softly. "Move to a whole different continent?"

"Wouldn't you do the same for us?" Farah asked.

"I just don't think you should be left unsupervised." Todd teased. "Besides, I'd like to meet your parents so that I can punch them in the face." he added, darkly.

Farah touched Dirk on the shoulder, seeing that he was too overcome with emotion to speak. "They won't win, Dirk." she said sincerely. He pulled her into a hug, then held an arm out expectantly for Todd to join, which he did.

It ended as a fairly normal evening. Todd, Farah and Dirk were watching a film, with pizza and beer. They were crowded onto the sofa with Dirk in the middle. Todd and Farah had long since stopped feeling uncomfortable and just accepted that Dirk needed to feel their close proximity, needed to feel safe, and it wasn't much of a sacrifice.

If Blackwing, or Immigration, or anyone else turned up tomorrow to try and take Dirk away from them, all Todd and Farah could think was "Just let them try."


	11. On the Balcony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk thinks about how lonely Bart must be stuck in Blackwing, and Todd comforts him in his capacity as BestFriend!Todd.

Dirk was standing on the balcony, staring out at the distance with a now-cold cup of tea in hand.

Todd knew that Dirk liked the balcony, he felt safe there. He could see for a long way just in case any military vans were approaching the agency. He could feel the sun and remember that he was free. He just liked being outside.

But today, he looked a little sad, and he'd been quiet for far too long. The more upset Dirk was, the more he disappeared from sight and sound.

"Hey, are you ok? What's up?" he asked casually as he stood next to him.

"Oh, hello Todd." Dirk said with a small smile. "Nothing really, I was just thinking." he said with a shrug.

"About what?"

"I was wondering how Bart is getting on." he frowned, looking as upset as if Bart were a close friend instead of someone who had tried to kill him. "What Ken did was just so horrible. I mean, your best friend, the person you trust more than anyone, locking you away in the place you were tortured as a child. That's the worst kind of betrayal." Dirk glanced slightly nervously at Todd and asked with unconvincing nonchalance "Don't you think..?"

"Yeah...I do." Todd answered with a frown. "Dirk, I hope you know that I would never, NEVER do that to you."

Dirk's relief at the reassurance was visible but he nodded and said "Of course not Todd."

"I mean, we spent months looking for you and trying to get you out."

"You were... looking for _me?"_ Dirk asked in confusion.

"Yeah Dirk." Todd answered in disbelief. "Who did you think we were looking for?"

"Oh well...I thought... I suppose I thought you were looking for Amanda."

"We were looking for Amanda as well, but we would never have just left you there."

Dirk swallowed and looked away, composing himself. They stood in companionable silence for a moment. Todd realised with sadness that it hadn't even occurred to Dirk that someone might care what happened to him.

"Bart must feel so lonely." Dirk said after a while, barely above a whisper.

Todd leaned in slightly so their shoulders were touching. "Yeah. She was hurt so badly that she _wants_ to be there for the time being. But you know she could get out if she wanted to, when she's ready to she will."

"It's all Ken's doing." Dirk said bitterly.

"He really is an asshole. I thought he was just a regular guy but he turned out to be a total monster."

Dirk flinched slightly at the word 'monster' and Todd remembered with guilt what he'd said all those months before, that apparently had not been forgotten.

"Do monsters belong in Blackwing?" Dirk said almost mechanically, in a voice that scared Todd slightly.

"Hey," Todd said, turning towards him to get his attention. "You're not a monster, I'm sorry I said that and I never meant it. You're literally the best person I've ever met."

Dirk sighed and smiled at him. "Thank you Todd. There are times when I think I've finally shaken off all the CIA's brainwashing, but it still slips out from time to time."

"When it does, let me know all right? I'm not letting them get to any part of you."

Todd put a hand on his shoulder reassuringly and Dirk gave him, what he'd come to think of as 'that look'; the one that said Todd was the most awesome human being ever to have walked the Earth. He got 'that look' from Dirk far more often than he had any right to, given that he felt pretty sure he _never_ had a right to be looked at that way. But it didn't go to his head. It reminded him of the kind of people Dirk had had in his life, if Todd was the highest bar so far.

It still made him blush, just slightly. He decided to change the subject. "Let's go back and do some paperwork. We can't leave Farah to do all of it..."

Dirk nodded.

"Just most of it." Todd added.

"If you make the tea I promise not to tell Farah you said that." Dirk said.

"Deal." Todd agreed.


	12. Scared

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A slip of the tongue by Farah freaks Dirk out and reveals how he ended up at Blackwing in the first place   
> Protective!Friends, Angsty past... (what can I say, I know what I like.)

"Why don't you move in with us? It'll be cheaper." Todd suggested to Farah, pretending it was a spontaneous thought.

"No way. It's not you Todd it's just ... to be honest, Dirk kind of...scares me a little."

"Dirk Gently? Scares _you_?" Todd mocked with amusement.

"Is that...is that true?" Dirk asked and they turned to find him in the doorway. Todd recognised the look on his face and it filled him with pain to recall the last time he'd seen that raw hurt. When he'd called Dirk a monster and said all those horrible things, Dirk looked like he was about to cry at any moment, and now was no different.

"Dirk!" Farah said like a deer in the headlights. "I..."

"You're really...scared of me?" Dirk took a step back from them. "I knew this would happen." he said as though to himself. "I knew you'd want to get away from me ... and then you'll send me back to - back _there_..." he abruptly disappeared from view, making a rapid exit down the stairs

"Dirk wait!" Todd shouted in frustration as they ran after him. They caught up with him at the bottom of the stairs as Todd took him by the shoulders. By now he was panicking as he tried to get away from them.

"I won't go back I won't go back I don't want to...please..."

As Todd managed to maneouvre him into a corner between the postboxes, a wall and himself Dirk's resolve turned into pleading. "Please don't make me...please..."

"Dirk breathe! You have to breathe just... shut up and listen ok?" Todd managed to catch his eye and waited until Dirk took a deep breath. Farah bit her nails as she watched them, other arm wrapped round her.

"No one. NO ONE is going to make you go back to Blackwing." Todd said firmly, noticing that Dirk flinched slightly just on hearing the word. "Anyone who tries will have to come through us. You're safe here ok?"

Dirk nodded hesitantly. Todd relaxed his hold but still kept contact with him as he turned to let Farah say her piece.

"I'm so sorry Dirk I really didn't mean it the way it came out. But we spent 2 months searching for you to get you _out_ of Blackwing remember? We would _never_ send you back there. You have to know that by now?"

"But you said you were scared of me..." Dirk said in a small voice.

"Please let me explain. You mean a lot to me Dirk and it's important that you understand that." She took a deep breath. "The thing is, I like order, and regularity. No it's more than that I - I _need_ it. I need it to make sense of everything and put some kind of structure around it. And you - you're so unpredictable that yes, honestly sometimes it makes me nervous because I just feel so out of control when the universe takes over. But when it comes right down to it Dirk, I'm not scared OF you, I'm scared _for_ you. I'm scared that when we go into some dangerous situation without having really thought it through or planned ahead, you or Todd will end up getting hurt. And that scares me because I care about you. Both of you."

"Do you really think I _like_ being a puppet to the whims of the universe? I _hate_ how little control I have over my own life."

"I...I know. But you can handle it so much better than I can. So can Todd."

"We really don't Farah - that's why we need you." he said with a fond smile. "I know you didn't sign up for this, for trying to stop two idiots from getting themselves killed-"

"No." Farah interrupted. "That's exactly what I signed up for." she straightened suddenly. "That's actually...that's my _job_ Dirk. My whole life I've wanted to serve and protect, and being that person for you and Todd - that's something I can do. Something I think I'm _meant_ to do even. I can make more of a difference here than anywhere else. I'm sorry I didn't realise that sooner."

Dirk's happiness at her statement seemed to light up the whole dingy entrance room and they hugged.

\-------------

"You ok? You still seem kinda... subdued." Todd said that evening after dinner. They were sat on the sofa but had yet to turn the TV on.

Dirk looked at him worriedly for a moment and then looked down, and sighed.

"Todd... I want you to be completely honest with me. Are you ever...scared of me?"

"Dirk. You are, quite literally, the least scary person in my life. Farah's a gun-wielding ninja, my sister's a punk bad-ass who hangs out with 5 anarchist vampire maniacs, out of all the people I know - why would you think I'd be scared of you?"

"Because I leave a trail of death behind me." Dirk said brokenly, and it hurt Todd to hear the loneliness in Dirk's voice.

"That's not true. And I don't think it's really you talking either, I think that's some Blackwing bullshit they used to manipulate you. Look at me."

Todd waited until Dirk met his eyes. "I will never. EVER. Let anyone take you back there. You got that?"

Dirk swiped away a couple of tears that spilled over as he gave a small nod.

"My...my parents..." Dirk took a deep breath, and Todd sat up slightly. Dirk had never spoken about his childhood and had never once mentioned his parents in all the time Todd had known him, which admittedly wasn't as long in real terms as it felt - but it was something Todd had always been curious about and afraid to ask.

"My parents were scared of me. They arrived in the UK as penniless refugees from what used to be Yugoslavia, and even after witnessing all that death and war and destruction, still the thing they were most scared of was...me, their own son. They were religious you see." He looked at Todd, who was listening with rapt attention "Serbian Orthodox. They thought I had some demonic, evil inside me. Which is ridiculous really... I was a very sensitive child. I once found a dead rat in my room and cried for two days, held a little vigil for it and buried it in a park nearby." He shook his head. "Anyway they thought I was evil so when the CIA showed up just after my 9th birthday - they sold me." Dirk ended barely above a whisper, as silent tears flowed freely.

Todd took Dirk's hand. "Hey, I'm so sorry Dirk, that's...awful."

"The thing is - the CIA were planning to kill them all along. The only reason they offered them money was to show me that I was unwanted - that my parents had _willingly_ given me up. While I was being bundled into a black van I heard two gunshots and I knew they were dead. And at first I thought - at least the CIA actually wants me- they might not care about me but at least they _want_ me - but I was... I was _so...lonely..._ "

Dirk finally broke down and started crying in earnest and Todd pulled him into a hug.

"I'm so sorry" Todd repeated, wishing he knew how to take the pain away and feeling wholly inadequate. He was beginning to understand why Dirk had never thought of him as being an asshole- compared with most of the people in Dirk's life, he didn't come close. He might have done some shitty things in his life but Dirk's parents, Blackwing, they were the lowest of the low in Todd's eyes.

"You've got friends now, Dirk. And we care about you. I wish I could fix all the shitty things that have happened in your life, but all I can say is that things are different now. You're not a scared little kid, you're not a government experiment, you're a detective with your own agency and a whole group of friends who love you and want you to be ok."

Dirk sniffled and nodded, wiping his eyes and sitting up again. "Thank you Todd." he said. "I'm sorry if I over-reacted."

"Fuck that." Todd said shaking his head and Dirk looked at him at the sudden use of expletive.

"You didn't over-react, Dirk. You have every right to feel the way you do. So don't apologise. You've been through so much fucked up shit that it's a miracle you came out of it as the kind of person you are, someone who's decent and cares about other people. And I'll be here, whenever you want to talk about all that stuff. Whenever you feel less than ok about all the shit you've had to deal with."

Dirk looked too touched to speak, as he just nodded with a small smile. As Todd looked at him he honestly couldn't comprehend how anyone could be scared of Dirk, especially as he must have been aged 9, a sweet little kid who literally wouldn't hurt a fly, just came out with some weird things sometimes.

He deserved so much better, and Todd was determined to see that he got it.


	13. Close to the Sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The obligatory fic exploring the idea that Dirk has a secondary ability - he can fly.  
> Warnings for past child abuse
> 
> I wasn't going to write one of these but then it just sort of happened

"Dirk, what the hell was that?" Todd shouted. He was standing in an alley between two buildings, shaking from panic and adrenaline, emotions all over the place.

He'd just seen his best friend hurled off a rooftop where he should, by all rights, have landed next to him as a flattened bloody mess, but where in fact, about 3 metres from the ground, he had slowed to float as softly as a feather, landing gracefully next to him.

Dirk looked almost as shaken as Todd felt, and he looked at him with the startled "things are getting away from me" look that he often had at about this point in a case. The one that said he was scared at how out of control everything had become, the one that reminded Todd that none of this was Dirk's fault. Dirk hadn't said anything so Todd tried again:

"I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm glad you're ok. You could have - I thought you were-" He shook his head, not wanting to follow that line of thought right now. "but seriously, what. The HELL. Was that?"

"Ah, right, well...if I tell you, will you promise not to be mad at me?" Dirk said shakily, trying to pull himself together.

"NO Dirk, I don't promise! I just saw you nearly die! Tell me what the hell's going on, _now_."

Dirk looked like a kicked puppy but Todd was too worked up to feel guilty.

I... _might_ be able to...just a little bit...maybe...fly?" Dirk said.

"F- ... I'm sorry did you just say.... that you can FLY?"

"No- not, I mean..."

"Wait...of course....Project _Icarus_!" Todd exclaimed suddenly, the light dawning on him, but Dirk flinched violently at the name. At that, he did feel guilty.

"I can't control it." Dirk said suddenly, defensively. "Any more than the hunches, or anything _else_... it just happens sometimes. Believe me- I had no idea it would happen just then. You have no idea how many times I've been thrown _off_ things to see if it would _activate_ and every time it just ended in one or more broken bones. Except this time, apparently"

Todd took a deep breath, feeling an uncomfortable and nauseating mix of rage at Blackwing, and compassion for Dirk going through so much abuse at their hands, as a small, very alone child. Suddenly he remembered certain moments of their cases that hadn't made sense at the time, which somehow he'd glossed over. He remembered the broken ladder in the barn on the Wendimoor case, and wondering how Dirk had got up there. He remembered Dirk climbing through his window on the second floor even though he couldn't reach the fire escape ladder.

His reverie was broken when Dirk slumped against a wall tiredly.

" _Please_ don't be mad at me Todd, please. I know I should have told you sooner, and I'm sorry. Really. I'm _sorry_ Todd."

Todd softened, knowing exactly why Dirk was worried. It still pained him to think back to that fight, and of the cruel things he'd said to Dirk. After only a week of knowing him, somehow he'd managed to hit him where it would hurt the most, and he still felt guilty about it.

Before he could reassure his friend, they were interrupted by Farah jogging towards them out of breath.   
  
"DIRK!" she said in surprise, overjoyed to find him still alive after seeing him thrown off the roof in front of her. When she'd seen him pushed off the edge, she'd been so furious that the resulting fight was almost a blur as she tackled the suspect to the ground, punched his lights out, dragged him downstairs and handcuffed him to a pipe outside before bracing herself to deal with what she feared would be the most painful scene of her life. And yet, her friends were both fine.

Dirk smiled at her and she barrelled into him with a hug so tight it almost hurt, but couldn't have been more welcome to Dirk just at that moment.

"Dirk I thought you were dead oh my god I'm so glad you're alive I saw him push you off the roof and I thought- god I was so scared - but you're ok - are you ok?" she said finally pausing for breath as she looked at him, doing an evaluation and seeing that despite the tears welling in his eyes he seemed physically unharmed.

"I'm fine" he rushed to reassure her. "At least, I think so." he wavered. "I don't really know..." he said, looking nervously at Todd.

She looked at Todd and did a similar evaluation, coming to the same conclusion that he was ok.

"What's wrong? How did you survive?"

"I can't exactly control it, but sometimes I just sort of... fly." Dirk explained.

Farah stared at him, checking a couple of times that neither of them were laughing at her. She looked at Todd then back at Dirk.

"Oh." She said, as there didn't seem to be anything else _to_ say.

"And I know I should have told you both sooner it's just... since I don't have any control over it you might not have believed me anyway and... well to be honest, it's brought me nothing but misery and I just didn't want to _go_ there." he swallowed. "But I would have told you eventually it's just...I just need to know that you don't ... hate me now." 

"Hey, we don't hate you." Farah said with certainty. "We could never hate you." she rubbed his arm in reassurance and he relaxed slightly.

"Dirk, of course we don't hate you." Todd said shaking his head in despair. "I have plenty of questions, but right now I'm just happy that you're still alive. You scared the ever-loving _crap_ out of me."

"The police should be here soon to pick the guy up. His fingerprints will be a match and then we can all go home and get some rest - none of us have had much sleep since this case started."

Farah turned to head back to where she'd left the suspect.

"Dirk?" Todd said quietly. When Dirk turned he embraced him and they hugged. "Thank you for not dying." he said sincerely.

When they stepped back, Dirk looked happier than Todd had seen him in a long while. Perhaps since Blackwing, he mused.

"Are you coming?" Farah called back to them and they jogged to catch up with her.

\----------

"When did you find out that you could, you know. Fly." Todd still felt utterly ridiculous saying it out loud. He thought he ought to be used to this level of absurdity by now, but somehow he wasn't.

"It was more a case of finding out that other people couldn't. It drew a lot of unwanted attention when I was a child. Terrified my parents. It's what first caught the attention of Blackwing."

"I always wondered how they found you." Todd noted. "I mean, a kid who wanders into danger a lot probably doesn't stand out as much as a kid who can _fly_."

"Quite." Dirk sighed.

"That's what you meant isn't it?" Farah asked, "When you said it brought you misery? It brought Blackwing to your door." she tilted her head to one side questioningly. "Priest?"

Dirk visibly tensed at the name and the memory.

"Yes. Mr. Priest _was_ the one who found me. Considering that I was a skinny 8 year old I really don't think it was necessary for him to use _quite_ so much force but, well, you've met him."

"8?" Todd asked in horror. "And...and they tried to make you fly by throwing you off things?"

"They tried a lot of things." Dirk said, darkly. "But that was certainly among the more painful."

Farah started pacing. They watched her for a while, Dirk grateful not to be the focus of attention for a moment.

"I hate them. I hate them." Farah shook her head. She stopped pacing suddenly and turned to them with frightening ferocity "I'm going to _kill_ them." she announced, deadly serious. She disappeared into her bedroom and they heard packing noises. Todd and Dirk looked at each other in alarm, and they stood at her doorway.

"Farah...what are you doing?" Todd asked.

"I told you. I'm going to kill them."

"What just...rock up at Blackwing, go on a shooting spree and hope for the best?" he asked drily.

"I'll think up a plan on the way. But they don't get to do that to Dirk and just _get away with it._ I won't...I won't _accept_ it." she was breathing heavily as she hesitated on how much ammo to include before putting it all in.

"Farah just - hold on a minute will you?" Todd implored, noting the alarm on Dirk's face. "Let's just talk about this."

"What, so they can pick up another 8 year old child and torture them while we sit around here mulling it over?" she asked and stood her ground awaiting his response.

"But we need you here."

"Then come with me." She turned to Dirk "Don't you want justice for what they did to you? Don't you want to spare someone else from going through that?" Farah asked.

"I" Dirk's expression filled with guilt, shame, and despair, "...can't." he said hoarsely. "Please don't make me go back there. I just... I _can't_." he hung his head and tears fell silently to the floor.

"Farah, _back_ off." Todd said with fierce protectiveness. "I know you're angry with them, believe me, I am too. I know plenty about anger. But that's not what Dirk needs right now. He needs his friends, he needs _us._ " he took a step towards her "You don't get to put Dirk through his worst nightmare just because _you_ want revenge. It's not going to change what happened." He sighed in frustration, wishing he could better communicate his feelings. "We need you." he ended.

Farah relented, putting the bag down sheepishly. "You're right. I'm sorry...I was ... getting carried away. Dirk I'm... Dirk?"

Todd turned round to see that he was gone.

"Oh god..." Farah said realising that she'd driven him away.

"Now look what you've done!" Todd snapped at her before racing out the door, Farah close after him.

They found Dirk sitting next to his car, on the pavement, knees up to his chest, trembling. It was cold outside at this time of year but Todd wondered if that was all it was. He spoke as soon as they knelt down next to him.

"Please don't make me go back there" he said, saying it so quickly it sounded like one word.

"We won't, I promise." Todd said.

"I'm sorry Dirk. I really didn't mean to scare you. I just... what they did to you, it makes me so angry you know? They had no right to do that to you. But of course I won't make you go back, or do anything you don't want to do."

"If anyone tries I'll kick their ass." Todd added darkly.

"You know if Blackwing ever tried to take you I'd do anything to stop them right?" Farah said.

Dirk nodded.

"I can't imagine what you went through. But I want to. Because you're not alone any more, we're in this together." she said, holding her hand out to him.

Todd held out a hand on the other side and they helped Dirk up.

"I'm sorry. I might have overreacted." he said sheepishly.

"I doubt that very much." Todd said sincerely. "I don't know everything they did but I know enough to recognise some pretty traumatising, fucked-up shit that no one would be ok about."

Dirk nodded, quiet and subdued the way he usually was when he was really upset.

"You didn't deserve what happened to you, and I wish I could make it all go away. But the least we can do now is to...make you feel safe. Here, with us." Farah said. "Come on, I'll make us some tea."

"Thank you"

\--------------


	14. The Wrong Angle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Todd and Farah snap at Dirk for his ignorance. I mean, this is stuff everyone should know right? They teach you this stuff in schoo- wait...  
> Friendship, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, that sort of thing.

"Dirk, what the hell was that you could have gotten us _killed_ " Farah said, shaking from shock. "I said hold the laser beam at a RIGHT ANGLE"

"Yes well I tried but how am I supposed to know what the right angle is?"

"Are you serious right now? A right angle Dirk, 90 degrees!"

Dirk looked baffled by this 'explanation' and looked at Todd.

"Is that in Fahrenheit or Celsius?" he asked doubtfully.

"This isn't FUNNY Dirk. Farah's right we nearly died back there."

Farah let out a huff and stormed out. Todd hesitated. He wanted to storm off too but Dirk was standing there like his left arm didn't have a long laser burn seared into it, and the expression on his face melted Todd's anger into something closer to irritable exhaustion.

"Let me have a look at that."

"It's ok Todd I can deal with it." Dirk said very quietly, looking like he was about to cry at any moment. Despite his words he made absolutely no move to 'deal with it' at all.

"Please?" Todd asked, gentler this time, not wanting Dirk to start crying. He helped him take the (now ruined) jacket off and winced at the painful looking blisters going up Dirk's arm. Dirk had been the only one to really suffer for his mistake.

"You really don't know what a right angle is?" Todd asked curiously as he examined the burn.

"Of course not, I don't _deliberately_ sabotage our cases or go out of my way to make you and Farah angry with me Todd... I just... I'm a bit useless sometimes. There are lots of things that people think I should know and I ...don't."

"But didn't you learn about angles in school?" As soon as the words left Todd's mouth an idea formed but he dismissed it as absurd. Still, he looked quickly at Dirk and saw his fears confirmed. "You did go to school right? I mean... "

"I suppose I did when I was very young, but then my mum got ill and I... and then Blackwing took me when I was 8 so...I may have missed a lot" Dirk muttered, blushing red.

"Dirk..." Farah's voice said softly from the door, where she had been standing, listening. She stood there with a first aid box in her hands. "I'm sorry I... I shouldn't have yelled at you."

"No, I deserved it for nearly ruining everything"

"But it wasn't your fault." Farah protested. She walked over to them. "I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. I forgot about how... _different_ your childhood was. Hey..." she waited to catch his eye "You're not useless."

She examined the burn. "This is pretty serious Dirk we should probably go to a hospital"

"No - please - can we just go home?"

They were all tired so Farah bandaged the burn to the best of her ability and offered Dirk some painkillers, which he declined.

She left Todd and Dirk in their apartment and Todd made him some tea.

He pushed the mug of tea over to Dirk with some painkillers.

"No thank you Todd. It's fine, really."

Maybe it took one to know one, Todd thought. He recognised self-destructive tendencies when he saw them. And he didn't like seeing them in Dirk one bit.

"You don't have to punish yourself you know. None of it was your fault, and even if you did make a mistake that doesn't mean you deserve to be hurt for it. That's Blackwing trying to mess with your mind Dirk."

Dirk looked at him, thought for a moment, and then slowly took the painkillers.

"You're right... " he said shaking his head slightly "Thank you Todd. I don't know what I'd do without you sometimes."

"I don't know what I'd do without me either." Todd said, and Dirk laughed. The tension of the day disappeared slightly.

"Get some sleep Dirk, tomorrow I'm teaching you math"

"Maths."

"It's Math Dirk."

"It's definitely Maths. That's literally the only thing I know about it. You should trust me, English is my first language."

"It's mine too! Look - do you want me to teach you or not?"

"Fine."

"Fine. Then it's Math"

"...s."

Todd sighed and shook his head. He wasn't sure what he'd just signed up for but he knew tomorrow was going to be a long day...


	15. The Hammer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Massive, shameless, Dirk Whump which starts as a bit of a slow burn, but escalates quickly into full PTSD with protective Todd being an excellent friend. Also a bit of Proective!Farah.
> 
> Warnings for slightly more graphic child abuse

When the four of them moved into a shared apartment, Dirk, Todd, Farah and Mona, they all had some reservations about how exactly it would work.

Mona was worried the others wouldn't get used to her - but they had, remarkably quickly.

Todd worried that he would be a burden, a shitty friend that would end up hurting the people he cared about the most. But on the contrary, he found they needed him, that he added value to the apartment that made it worth getting up in the morning.

Farah worried that living in a house with a shapeshifter, a rock guitarist with pararibulitis and an eccentric holistic Brit would shatter her nerves to pieces in about 5 seconds... but it was amazing how a person can adapt to what on paper, sounds crazy.

Both she and Todd had discovered that they were far more capable than they had ever given themselves credit for, and they were proud of that.

Dirk was terrified that he would drive his friends away from him, or that Blackwing would catch up with them, or that his presence was putting them in danger... he had a long list of worries truth be told; but after a week he recognised that the feeling of security and contentment in their little home was a sign that this was where the universe wanted him to be right now. And if that was the case, he would enjoy it while it lasted.

The first time the Rowdies came, Farah had stood in front of Dirk and put a very firm foot down that they were not permitted to steal his energy.

"I'm sorry, but you're not doing this any more. If you want Dirk you'll have to come through me." Farah stood, her arm in a bandage and a crutch under the other, glaring at them as though she weren't still recovering from multiple gunshot wounds.

Todd saw Farah in bad-ass mode and felt a glow of admiration, followed by guilt that it honestly hadn't even occurred to him before now, just how uncool it was for the Rowdies to target Dirk all the time. He knew full well that Dirk hated it.

The Rowdies growled menacingly.

Todd quickly stood next to Farah in solidarity. "And through me. Sorry Amanda." he said, knowing his sister would be nearby.

"No, you're right." she said, appearing from the back of the room. "I'm sorry Dirk. I guess I just didn't ...think."

"It's all right Amanda, but I would really prefer to keep my energy if it's all right with you" Dirk said politely, staying behind Farah.

"Of course - I really am sorry, we had no right. Guys..."

With a grunt, Martin gestured to the others to go back to the van. He made eye contact with Dirk and nodded, before going with them.

"You don't have to go though, you could always stay for a more...social visit" Dirk said, finally stepping out from behind Todd and Farah.

Amanda smiled at him. "We were just passing through, but we'll definitely stop by properly some time."

After they'd gone, Dirk thanked Farah with a careful hug, and then Todd.

"You forgive way too easily." Todd admonished.

Dirk shrugged. "They can't help being made that way." he said, but his obvious relief felt like a weight had been lifted from them all.

\----------

Farah was out at physiotherapy a few days later, Mona had gone with her to be a crutch. Dirk no longer had to attend physio, though he still had a slight limp when he was tired.

Now that they no longer needed quite so much attention with bandaging and assistance with every day tasks, Todd could direct his efforts to making their apartment a little more homely.

"I was thinking some shelves would look good here, what do you think?"

"Excellent idea Todd. I would offer to help but all I know about DIY is how to spell it. Past attempts have typically resulted in various levels of disaster... I can, however, supply hot beverages if that counts as helping?"

"It definitely does." Todd confirmed, "Coffee please."

While Dirk was in the kitchen Todd remembered his parents showing him and Amanda how to do basic household maintenance. They'd never had much money, so those skills had been important. Consequently, both Todd and Amanda were pretty handy with DIY...but it was a difficult thing to learn without someone to show you, he thought. Maybe he should offer to teach Dirk.

He liked teaching Dirk new things, the detective was on the one hand, rather frustrating because he was easily distracted and, through no fault of his own, astonishingly ignorant. But on the other, he was very quick on the uptake, making it quite a satisfying task. He would seem to be scarcely listening, and yet at the end would draw conclusions far beyond what Todd would have expected or thought of.

When Dirk reentered with a cup of coffee, Todd had a hammer in his right hand, so he switched it to his left to take the drink, but the movement seemed to startle Dirk, who was now watching the hammer fixedly.

Todd looked at it to see what was so alarming about it, but it looked like a regular hammer to him. He held it up.

"It's just a hammer, Dirk" he said, but far from being reassured, Dirk jumped back from the offending object, dropping the coffee, which hit the glass coffee table and broke them both, and Dirk stumbled backwards into a heap on the floor against the wall, shaking.

Todd put the hammer down, and hesitated for a moment, trying to work out what best to do. There was glass and coffee everywhere, which he knew would stain and needed clearing up urgently, but right now that came second. He stepped carefully around the mess to where Dirk was sat huddled on the floor.

"I'm sorry I'm sorry please don't hurt me" Dirk said breathlessly, and Todd's heart broke. He knelt in front of him. Dirk had his eyes tightly closed, was sat with his arms protectively over his head as though Todd would hit him, and was breathing way too fast.

"Dirk it's me, Todd - I'm not going to hurt you I promise- just, breathe ok? Come on...come back to me" he added, seeing that Dirk was not at all in the here and now.

He didn't dare touch him, although he wanted to. Once, he'd startled Dirk out of a nightmare by touching his arm and Dirk had flown across the room like he'd been burnt. He'd immediately reassured him that everything was fine, that it was just a bad dream, but the reaction had stayed with Todd. Instinctively he knew the same thing would happen if he tried it now.

He realised he was reaching for his pills and stopped. It was the same helpless panic he felt when his sister had an attack, but although they would have helped Amanda, they wouldn't help Dirk.

He kept up the litany of words trying to bring Dirk back to the real world, and although he wanted to sound strong and reassuring, he couldn't help that the words came out pleading and desperate. He hated seeing his best friend suffering. He hated Blackwing.

"You're safe, you're here with me, Dirk listen to my voice and breathe, listen to me..."

"Todd?"

Todd let out a breath of relief at the whispered word, as Dirk cautiously opened his eyes. He looked at him, then around the room, then back to Todd, lowered his arms slowly and put his hands on the floor, looking at the carpet and digging his fingers in as though checking it was real and holding onto it for dear life.

"Yeah it's me, are you back with me?" Todd asked, hoping to get his attention, and Dirk looked up at him again.

"Todd." He repeated vaguely.

Todd put his hand out for Dirk to take if he wanted, leaving Dirk in control. After a second or two, Dirk pulled him into a hug and held onto him instead of the carpet.

"I'm not there, thank god..." he said with relief, "we're...we're at home"

Dirk had got his breathing under control now and eventually pulled back from the hug to let out a deep breath. They sat quietly for a moment.

"I'm so sorry Todd, I'll clear it all up and...and make you another drink-"

"It's not your fault. Relax ok? Just...talk to me. You know we haven't really talked about the whole Blackwing thing since you came back and it's kind of a big deal."

Dirk tensed at the mention of Blackwing and looked away. He didn't say anything so Todd continued.

"Look, I'm not gonna force you to talk about it, but I do think it would help. And ... you know, it's ok to feel...whatever it is you feel about it." Todd said awkwardly. "But you don't have to do it alone you know?"

Dirk wiped a tear away hurriedly. He nodded.

"So." Todd said.

"So." Dirk echoed quietly, still not looking at him.

"The hammer?" Todd opened.

"I know you wouldn't hurt me, I'm sorry." Dirk mumbled.

"Don't worry about that, just - it triggered something? A memory?"

Dirk nodded again and started talking.

"You've trusted me with a lot of your past, so I suppose..." Dirk fiddled with a loose thread on his shirt sleeve.

Todd quietly agreed - although he hadn't pushed, it always bothered him that Dirk knew practically everything about him, and he knew next to nothing about Dirk.

"One of the other projects at Blackwing was a holistic healer. Her name was Klara, though they called her Project Cheron. She could only heal someone if the universe wanted her to, but they found out quite quickly that, apparently, the universe _always_ wanted her to heal other holistics. So they used me to test her abilities."

"W...what?" Todd asked, not liking where this was going.

"They used to hurt me in various ways and see if she could heal it. Cut me or burn me or whatever, and then make Klara use her ability." Dirk said with a small shrug, but Todd shuddered at the image.

"One day I was...being uncooperative, fighting back as much as I could. Of course it was useless, but I just... " he sighed. "I had these moments where I reached a kind of breaking point I guess. Anyway they did what they always did in that situation and brought in Mr. Priest." there was an edge of bitterness to his voice which Todd wasn't used to hearing.

For all that his life had been deeply unfair and shitty, Dirk was remarkably lacking in resentment - it was something Todd found hard to understand, he admired it but at the same time it vaguely worried him.

"Mr. Priest came in while I was strapped on the table. He undid the straps... he knew I could never be a threat to him whether I was tied down or not... he said: _'I hear you're making trouble Icarus. What do you say we give Project Cheron a real challenge?'_ and then he took a hammer and held my arm down, but I managed to get free just in time and got away from him."

"Breathe Dirk." Todd gently reminded and Dirk nodded. Todd's own heart was racing at the story, his eyes wide with worry as he stared at his friend.

"He just laughed." Dirk said quietly. "He held me down and started hitting me over and over again, I really thought I was going to die. But he avoided my head, he wasn't trying to kill me just punish me....but oh god it was... "

Dirk swayed slightly and Todd was worried he was going to pass out, or throw up, or both.

"Hey, I've got you" he said holding onto his arms. "I'm here."

"He left me in there after a while. I lost track of time...kept going in and out of consciousness and then... eventually they let Klara help. She was upset, and wanted to stay with me but they wouldn't let her of course. But - she fixed everything like it never happened, so it was all ok in the end."

Dirk ended with his customary positivity but it didn't sound quite convincing.

Todd felt sick. He was trying to be strong for Dirk but god... he'd had no idea just how fucked up Blackwing really were, how nightmarish Dirk's time there had been.

"How old were you?" he choked out

"I think I was about 15 or 16 when that particular incident happened. It was during my rebellious teen years. A long time ago now anyway. Todd are you...all right? You're shaking. Have you taken your-"

"No I- I'm sorry Dirk it's just that I ...I hate Blackwing so fucking much you know? I hate that they did that to you, they had no fucking right."

"It wasn't always as bad as that, a lot of the time it was more boring and... _lonely_ than anything else."

"I'm sorry you had to go through that Dirk. No one deserves that, especially not you." Todd took a deep breath. "Thanks for telling me."

"I didn't really have a choice after destroying the living room." Dirk gave a small, forced laugh. He sighed. "I really thought I'd got past all that."

"Past all what?"

"I used to have, well, _moments_ like that quite a lot after the first time I left Blackwing. But I hadn't had one for years before this second visit. I guess it just...stirred everything up again."

Todd felt his heart ache for his friend.

"Well, this time you have me and Farah and Mona to help."

"Thank you Todd. I suppose we'd better clear up the mess I made."

"Hey - you know it's not your fault right? Don't let those Blackwing assholes make you think that any of this is your fault. We'll work through anything you need to work through together."

Dirk smiled at him, too touched to speak, and allowed Todd to help him up off the floor.

They looked at the black stain on the cream carpet, covered in glass and ceramic shards and Todd glanced at him.

"Although yeah, we do need to clean this up."

"Before Farah gets home..."

"To be honest, I always hated that coffee table." Todd observed.

"Me too! A glass coffee table is just so... 1960s. We can do much better."

"Maybe we don't need to replace it at all?" Todd suggested. "Coffee tables only exist to serve in a war against shins."

"True. Though in this case it might be useful to cover up a rather large coffee stain..."

\---------

"What happened to the coffee table?" Farah asked as soon as she returned. "and...the carpet..." she wasn't angry, there was no use getting worked up about every strange event that happened around them, they'd all long since learned to just go with the flow.

"It was an accident-" Todd started but Dirk interrupted him

"I freaked out and had a minor panic attack and things got broken."

Farah's expression softened. "Are you ok?"

"Thank you Farah I'm fine now, though I am sorry about the table... and about the coffee stain"

"It's coffee? Hm, I think I know how to get that out."

"Farah Black, is there anything you can't do?" Dirk said in genuine awe, and she laughed.

She switched Mona for the less comfortable, standard issue crutch and Mona helpfully turned into a coffee table.

"I'll go make some dinner." Todd said, disappearing to the kitchen.

Farah gave Dirk a hug and said "I'm always here if you need me." before going to find some soap and white vinegar.

"Me too" chimed in a nearby coffee table.


	16. Scars of the Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk comes to realise, with Todd's help, that the way he was punished as a child is not typical/acceptable
> 
> Warnings: Child Abuse

"Dirk - what-" Todd asked, unsure how to phrase the question as he stared in horror at the welts and scars covering Dirk's back. His mind was imagining those scars being inflicted on his friend so vividly that he started shaking slightly and he forced himself to look away and instead look at Dirk's face.

Dirk watched him with naive confusion. "The scars?" he asked uncertainly.

"Yeah, who...who did that to you?" Todd forced out shakily.

Dirk shrugged and then frowned. "Blackwing." he said, like it was obvious, and Todd supposed it was, but Dirk's nonchalance made him even more upset and angry rather than less.

"Don't act like it's no big deal!" he blurted out, making Dirk jump in surprise.

The detective looked at him in concern. "It was just when I misbehaved Todd. When I broke something or wouldn't do as I was told. I went through a bit of a rebellious phase as a teenager. I thought everyone did...surely you must have misbehaved sometimes when you were a child?"

Todd took a moment to process what Dirk was saying. 1. Dirk thought it was totally normal. 2. Dirk figured Todd must have been treated in a similar way. 3. Dirk thought Todd's shock was at the idea him behaving so badly as to 'deserve' such treatment.

It was too much for him and he just shook his head in despair.

"Dirk it's, it's not normal you know that right? It's not ok to hurt a child."

Dirk looked at him disbelievingly. "Your parents...never..?"

"NO Dirk, Christ, they would never have hurt us - that's fucking child abuse. No one has any right to hurt a kid."

Dirk looked away thoughtfully, as though this explained something he'd always found vaguely puzzling about the whole thing. "Oh." he said after a while.

"You really thought every kid gets physical abuse for bad behaviour? That it wasn't just Blackwing?" Todd asked.

"Well...my father used a belt instead of a whip but it was basically the same thing so..." Dirk shrugged and Todd felt his heart sink. Dirk had never once mentioned his parents until this moment, and he was starting to see why. An abusive father followed by Blackwing... no wonder Dirk had thought it was just normal. He'd never had reason to expect anything else.

"I'm sorry Dirk that's... pretty fucking awful. That you had to go through that I mean."

Dirk blushed red. "It's ok Todd, it's all a long time ago now."

"It's not ok" Todd whispered. "What they did to you... it was illegal and immoral and ...and they _hurt_ you, and that's NEVER ok. No one gets to hurt you Dirk."

It was obvious to Todd that no one had said anything remotely like that to his friend before. He looked at him as though he'd just introduced the idea that apples grow on trees to him for the first time. There was astonishment, awe, and an amount of scepticism.

"Thank you Todd." he said, swallowing and looking away.

"I won't let anyone hurt you like that again. If I ever meet your father, let's just say I won't be held responsible for my actions." Todd said darkly.


	17. Sharing a moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brotzly - Protective!Mona misunderstands Todd's intentions towards Dirk
> 
> Warning: Referenced Non-Con (non graphic)

Todd stared into Dirk's eyes and realised, they were definitely sharing a moment.

Todd took a step closer. He decided to go for it, leaning in to kiss him.

"Hey." 

He jumped slightly at the voice of Bart, who was standing with a gun pointed at him, and instinctively stood back.

"What...why-" he stuttered, wondering why Dirk wasn't also panicking. Dirk was looking oddly at Bart, but it was curiosity rather than fear. 

"Mona...." he said after a pause. "What are you doing?"

Todd looked at him and then back at her, as she transformed into Mona, still glaring angrily in his direction.

"I'm protecting you. I didn't protect you before but I won't let anyone hurt you again."

Dirk looked away in thought, but just looked confused.

"I wasn't going to hurt him." Todd defended. "I was going to...I mean, it felt to me like we were having a moment. I didn't imagine that right?" he glanced at Dirk. 

"Oh yes, we were definitely having a moment. Todd's right, Mona. He wasn't going to hurt me, he was going to kiss me." he smiled with a blush that made Todd want to kiss him even more. "Why do you think he'd want to hurt me?"

Mona stopped glaring at Todd, and lost her sense of certainty.

"He was going to make you do things you didn't want to do... and then you'd be hurt and curl up in a ball and cry just like in Blackwing."

"Dirk, what is Mona talking about?"

"You were there?" Dirk asked her wonderingly.

She nodded hesitantly. "One time I went to visit you - I turned into a moth and flew into your room. But there was a guard there. And he ... he was hurting you."

Dirk tensed, and Todd took a step closer to him protectively.

"I...didn't know what to do...so I ran away and I... turned into a lead pipe." Mona said guiltily.

"It's not your fault Mona, you were only a child, and there was nothing you could have done that wouldn't have made things worse." Dirk said quietly.

"The guards they...hurt you...like that?" Todd asked awkwardly.

"There was really only the one. I don't think he was supposed to. He just... did." Dirk said.

"God I'm sorry Dirk, if I'd known that I would never have moved so quickly."

"Quickly? I've been sending out signals for the last four months trying to see if you were interested... I was on the verge of giving up!"

Dirk turned to Mona. "Mona it's very sweet of you to try and protect me, and I do appreciate it, but Todd would never hurt me. This isn't like the situation with the guard, Todd is not doing anything against my will. On the contrary."

"But I saw how much it hurt you." Mona protested feebly.

"Yes... but it doesn't have to hurt. Not if the person doing it cares about you. And Todd cares about me, he won't hurt me."

Todd nodded at her reassuringly.

"I'm sorry Todd." Mona said to him looking at the floor.

"Don't be, Mona. Don't be sorry for trying to protect the person I care most about in the world. It makes me feel better knowing there's someone else watching out for him."

She turned into a flower before immediately turning into a kingfisher and Dirk held out his hand. She landed on it and he smiled at her.

"Thank you Mona. You're a good friend. But if you don't mind I'd like some time with just me and Todd." he said kindly. She flew away and Dirk turned to him.

"Can we resume our moment?"

"Actually I think we should talk first." Todd said.

"You won't hurt me Todd." Dirk said

Todd looked at him with worry. "If you want me to stop at any time, just tell me. I'll understand. I promise."

"Ok." Dirk said.

"And you can talk to me. About anything."

"Noted."

"And if you don't want to do something or -"

"Todd, I never thought I'd be the one to say this to you, but, stop talking." Dirk said as he leaned in to kiss Todd.


	18. A place to feel safe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: A bit of Dirk!Whump to be honest. Dirk is dealing with the after-effects of Blackwing in more ways than one, and Todd and Farah are beginning to understand how serious some of those effects are. Friendship, hurt/comfort, angst.
> 
> Warnings for child abuse, torture, PTSD, sleep deprivation etc. 
> 
> A/N: Inspired by the Protect Icarus prompt fill masterpiece on Ao3 by thewrongplath and some fairly shameless pilfering of other ideas in the fandom that I think are amazing and deserve to be Fanon.

"DIRK!" Todd yelled and Dirk appeared, standing up from the sofa to see what was wrong.

"I told you, I TOLD you not to mix whites and colours - and THIS IS WHY!" Todd held up one of his previously white, previously favourite t-shirts, now a horrible sludge colour. "Look at this! Look at what you've done!" he gestured at the pile of largely ruined clothing piled against the washing machine. Dirk stared down at it and then at Todd, looking appropriately guilty.

"I'm sorry Todd." he said sincerely. "I did warn you I'm not very good at laundry..."

Having already established that he was also bad at every other chore, and frankly dangerous when it came to cooking, Todd snapped out:

"What ARE you good at?!"

Dirk picked up one of the items of clothing and avoided looking at Todd.

"I'm sorry, really."

"You were sorry after nearly setting the kitchen on fire too! And flooding the bathroom!"

"What are you going to do?" Dirk said nervously.

Todd sighed. "I guess buy a whole new set of clothes."

"No I mean... to me?"

Todd frowned, looking at the detective and noticing how tense he was, and how acutely he was avoiding his gaze.

"What do you mean?"

Dirk looked at him then and Todd saw the fear he was trying to hide, followed by confusion.

"Nothing, sorry..." he said, shaking his head. He straightened slightly. "To answer your question, I'm not really any good at anything. But I'll find a way to make this up to you Todd. I'll learn how to be a better housemate" he said with determination.

Todd looked at the pile of ruined clothes and tried to clamp down on his frustration. Somehow even yelling wasn't very satisfying as he knew he should be more patient, and then he got angry at himself for getting angry...

The t-shirt in Dirk's hands was one Amanda had given him as a birthday present.

He stomped up to where Dirk was standing and grabbed the t-shirt out of Dirk's hands. Dirk flinched slightly.

"And would you STOP acting like I'm about to hit you?" he said with his voice raised, offended at the suggestion that he was an even bigger asshole than he already was.

Dirk paled and disappeared out of the room, and Todd heard the front door shut.

He sighed. He knew when he had calmed down he'd feel like shit and wasn't looking forward to the all-too familiar feeling.

\----------

Todd went to his room and played a video game for a couple of hours, which dissipated his anger, and then he took his guitar and pootled around with a few chords, practising distractedly until he put it to one side. He made himself some lunch. Picked up the guitar again.

When he replayed the conversation from that morning he felt like a bully, and was trying to work out why given that he was definitely the aggrieved party in all this. But Dirk was going through a lot right now, and if Todd didn't understand exactly what, or exactly how it was affecting him...it was because he hadn't had the courage to _ask_.

He knew Dirk's reaction to him earlier had been something to do with Blackwing, that he had instinctively expected to be physically punished for doing something wrong...

He sighed, putting the guitar to one side and his head in his hands as he allowed himself to feel the things he'd been holding back.

It upset him, knowing that Blackwing had hurt his friend so badly that years later Dirk still felt scared and confused whenever he did anything wrong. He hadn't known Dirk long before Blackwing took him but he knew that it had set him back - opened old wounds afresh that had been well on their way to healing.

And instead of helping him, Todd had thrown it in his face - shouted at him for feeling afraid, as though that's how Dirk _wanted_ to feel, as though it were deliberate.

He was such an asshole.

He went and tidied up the laundry, salvaging what he could. He watched a bit of TV but his mind was still on Dirk and what he could do to make it up to him.

\----------

He heard Dirk come in and saw him stand awkwardly with several bags of shopping, which he put down hesitantly by the wall.

"I got you a new set of clothes. I know you might not like them but I bought them at the shops you like so you can exchange them if they're not right - anyway I'm...I'm sorry Todd."

Todd felt a sharp stab of pain at the quiet despair in Dirk's voice. How had he managed to turn someone so warm and joyful into someone who looked like Dirk did right now?

"Thanks...you didn't have to do that."

Dirk shrugged and Todd took a deep breath.

"Dirk I .. I don't know what you went through at Blackwing, not exactly, but I get that they hurt you."

Dirk recoiled slightly at the words.

"I know you can't just get over that like nothing happened - and I don't want you to- what I'm trying to say is, I'm sorry I was such an asshole earlier." he sighed. "You were scared of me."

"I'm not scared of you Todd, I know you're nothing like them. Sometimes in the heat of the moment I just get a bit... lost. But I'm not even scared of Farah and she could kill me with a paperclip at a distance of ten feet."

Todd smiled. "She wouldn't need a paperclip."

"True. Look, I know I'm a totally useless housemate, and I can be really...REALLY annoying to be around... but once I return the crutches to the hospital I'll be out of your hair and you won't have to worry about me destroying any more of your things."

Todd frowned but before he could formulate a response, Farah called and he put her on speaker.

"Guys, we have a case. It's just a husband who wants to know if his wife is cheating but still, it's a step up from the missing cat case we had last week and they're paying so..."

Dirk's eyes lit up at the word 'case' like a child on christmas day and his excitement was contagious.

"We'll be right there Farah"

\---

"We need to tail her." Farah announced. "Get an idea of her routine, see where she could be meeting this guy, check out her coworkers - that sort of thing."

"Great, let's go!" Dirk said, sounding far too enthusiastic about something that sounded pretty dull to Todd.

"Uh, actually Dirk I think you should stay here. For one thing your leg is still healing - you remember what the physio said, we have to be careful and take it slow to make sure you can walk again without support."

Dirk looked crestfallen but nodded. As usual there was no way they could argue against the sheer sense employed by Farah.

"Besides, we actually need someone here to fill in our tax return form. I know it sounds boring but honestly, it's more important than the case - if we don't get this in on time we'll be fined, we might even be shut down."

"Leave it with me Farah." Dirk said, with a determined nod.

She smiled at him with a vaguely bemused fondness before turning back to Todd.

"Got your medication? Ok then let's go, she should be leaving work soon."

"Let me know how it goes." Dirk called after them.

When they left he turned to the pot plant by the window. "Well, looks like it's just you and me Mona" he said, and the leaves rustled slightly in response.

\----------

"Dirk!" Farah said loudly, standing in front of Dirk's desk, with her arms crossed. An irritable looking Todd was standing just behind her.

Dirk sat up suddenly from where he'd been asleep on the desk, and revealed that he was holding a rainbow coloured, very fluffy teddy bear which he held a bit tighter at being startled awake.

"If you're asleep I guess that means you finished all the paperwork?" Farah asked rhetorically, glaring at the large stack of paper on Dirk's desk.

"Farah!" Dirk said brightly. "Todd - hi, how did it go tracking Mrs Taylor?"

"Tyler." Todd corrected. "and it was inconclusive. And incredibly boring."

Farah sighed and elaborated. "If she's having an affair I think we'll need to approach it from another angle. In the meantime, the deadline for tax returns is Tuesday and unless we want to get fined, we need to fill out the form, which is why we gave you all afternoon to do it...so how far have you got?"

Dirk stared at the pile of paper nervously.

Farah narrowed her eyes. "Have you even... Have you even STARTED?" she said in astonishment, checking the papers. "You haven't. DIRK!"

Dirk looked appropriately guilty as he avoided looking at them, still holding onto the bear.

"I know you prefer field work - we all do - but until your leg is healed that's too bad - you're on desk duty. And this stuff is _important_ Dirk - we could be fined or even shut down for messing this up, is that what you want?"

Dirk shook his head. "I'm sorry Farah, I did try but -"

"I don't want to hear excuses. Why don't you just go home Dirk? There's no point you being here if you're not going to work. _I'll_ finish the paperwork."

Dirk looked uncertain but then sighed and nodded, putting the teddy on his chair. He grabbed his crutches and left.

Mona turned from a bear into a TV with static, followed by a blender, followed by a squawking crow in quick succession, startling them both.

"Mona!" Todd called, above the noise.

Mona turned into her human form long enough to say "I don't like it when you shout at Dirk."

Then turned into a small arctic fox and ran up the stairs after Dirk.

"Mona's got a point...don't you think you're being a bit hard on him?"

"No, I don't. I refuse to be the goddamn _secretary_ Todd, I don't like doing the paperwork either and it's totally unfair for you two to leave it all up to me."

"No I get that it's just... I think Dirk is probably dealing with some stuff."

"We all are." Farah said.

"I don't think that's fair. He..." Todd said quietly. "Look, I'm gonna go talk to him ok? We'll figure this out."

"Sure, leave ME to do everything!" Farah muttered irritably as she sat down.

\---

Todd didn't have far to go to find Dirk - he was unconscious in the stairwell between the floors of the Agency and their apartment. Luckily no one had been there to see a fox turn into a girl in a nightdress who maneouvred Dirk into a sitting position against the wall as she tried to get him to wake up.

"What happened?" Todd asked as he knelt next to his friend.

"He fell asleep." Mona answered, and Todd assumed she meant he had passed out. Dirk was starting to come round and Mona held his hand tightly to reassure him that he wasn't alone.

"Dirk - are you ok?"

"I'm fine Todd." Dirk said, a little automatically.

"I don't think you're fine Dirk you just passed out. Is it your leg?"

Dirk shook his head and then looked like he regretted doing so. Todd recapped the day so far.

"Have you eaten at all today?" he asked. Mona looked at him curiously, with her head on one side.

"We're not allowed to eat after we do something wrong."

"You..." Todd looked from her to Dirk, and saw that even though he knew it was a stupid 'rule' he had still obeyed it from habit. "You didn't have any lunch because I yelled at you?" he said with a wince of guilt.

"I wasn't feeling very hungry." Dirk said faintly.

Todd sighed. "Come on let's get back to the apartment and I'll make you some soup."

"We're not allowed-" Mona started to repeat

"You're not at Blackwing now Mona - and you have to eat." Todd said, knowing that would suffice for now

He helped Dirk up as Mona turned into a bird, flew up to their apartment, then turned into a key and opened the door for them.

"Thank you Mona." Dirk said - never too ill not to be polite, as they entered and Todd sat him down at a kitchen table and made some noodle soup with bread rolls.

When it was in front of them he made sure the other two ate. Mona was adaptable by nature and seemed to adopt the new rule without thinking, eating the soup delicately but steadily.

Dirk picked up the spoon and started eating but Todd noticed his hand shaking.

"It's all right Dirk, I know Farah was mad but you don't have to punish yourself, she wouldn't want that I promise you."

"I _know_ Todd." Dirk answered a little frustratedly, but Todd knew it wasn't really aimed at him. "I _did_ survive for 16 years outside Blackwing you know. And I learnt that a lot of what they taught us was total nonsense and that I didn't have to follow their stupid rules if I didn't want to..."

"I'm guessing this last visit to Blackwing brought up some bad memories and reset some bad habits?" Todd asked carefully, as Dirk put the spoon down.

Dirk sighed. "Quite. And not only that but they fried my nervous system. Again."

"What do you mean?" Todd frowned.

Dirk held up his hands where Todd could see the tremors and muscle spasms before Dirk clenched his fists and hid them below the table.

"Whenever I got something wrong on one of their tests, they electrocuted me. And since I'm _not psychic_ that happened quite a lot... after two months of that I can't get my hands to work properly any more."

"They fucking _electrocuted_ you? We should go to the hospital-"

"It'll wear off after a while, at least it did last time." Dirk shrugged.

"Wait..." Todd said, feeling a headache coming on. "Is that why you couldn't fill in that tax return?"

Dirk nodded, looking so miserable that Mona, who had finished her soup and bread, turned into a bunny and nuzzled his arm softly. He petted her absent-mindedly. She nudged the bowl towards him slightly and he took his cue to continue eating the soup.

"Listen, finish that and then get some rest - I'm gonna go explain all this to Farah while I take her some dinner and help her out with the form. But look it- it's not your fault ok? It's kind of a lot- but none of it is your fault"

"Thank you Todd." Dirk said and the bunny made a sort of squeak.

\----------------

Mona was being a lavender scented, lavender coloured blanket wrapped around Dirk when Todd and Farah came in.

"Dirk, I'm sorry I yelled at you. Were you going to tell me?"

"I did try..." Dirk said, slightly indignant.

"You're right, I'm sorry... really."

"It's all right, Farah. I know I'm spectacularly useless at the moment."

"You're not useless." she said firmly. She sat on the coffee table opposite him and took his hand.

"I'm sorry." she said, looking him in the eyes.

"You said that already-"

"No I mean, I'm sorry for all the awful things that have happened to you, things that no one should have to go through. And I'm sorry that I haven't been there for you. Going back to that place must have been tough, I haven't been a very good friend lately."

"It's all right Farah" Dirk said, astonished that she would think she owed him anything. "Between you and Todd and Mona and Amanda, I've never had so many friends in my life - and I'm hardly the only one dealing with trauma around here."

"No...Todd was right... it's not the same with you. We all have issues sure, but _not_ all of us grew up in a prison being tortured and experimented on."

Dirk blushed red slightly, and Todd got the impression he'd taken it as some sort of implicit criticism.

"What Farah's trying to say is that we'll support you. Whatever you're dealing with right now - we're right here."

Farah shook her head, unable to hold the question back any longer. "Why is Mona making everything smell of lavender?"

"It's relaxing...she's trying to make me go to sleep..." Dirk said with a small shrug.

"Why?" Farah frowned. "Have you been having trouble sleeping?"

Dirk flushed red. "Well..." he said awkwardly.

"That's why you fell asleep at your desk isn't it?" Farah said with realisation.

"And why you passed out in the hallway - when Mona said you fell asleep, she meant you literally passed out from sleep deprivation" Todd added.

"I just... don't want to wake up back there."

"Dirk." Farah said with sympathy. "What can we do to make you feel safe enough to go to sleep?"

"I don't know... maybe just... stay?"

Farah squeezed his arm gently. "Of course we'll stay. I'll stand guard and make sure nothing and no one comes anywhere near you."

"I've got an old camp bed in my room - I'll grab it and then I'll be near by too" Todd said "And maybe tomorrow we can start looking for an apartment - for the four of us."

"I don't know what I did to deserve friends as good as you three but whatever it was, I'm glad I did it." Dirk said, eyelids drooping.

For the first time in 3 days, Dirk fell asleep.


	19. Domestic Abuse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Todd and Farah find out how Dirk's new boyfriend has been treating him, and they are not happy... Protective!Todd and Protective!Farah and Oblivious!Dirk
> 
> Warnings: Domestic Abuse, Implied Child Abuse

"Dirk, what happened?" Todd asked, seeing the hand-shaped bruises on Dirk's wrist as he reached to get the tea down from the cupboard.

"Oh- nothing really, I just, I upset Jason."

Todd stood up from where he'd been leaning on the counter. He saw Farah tense up, out the corner of his eye.

"You...upset Jason, and he hurt you?" Todd clarified.

"I did something wrong so he had to punish me." Dirk shrugged, as though that explained everything.

"Excuse me." Farah said with deadly quiet. "I have an _errand_ to run." and then she slipped out the door and Todd was extremely glad not to be the target of her fury at that point. Dirk was completely oblivious that her errand might be anything more than fetching coffee, so he continued as though nothing was the matter.

Todd was glad to imagine her beating the shit out of Jason, something he very much wanted to do himself... but he felt her loss as he stared at Dirk and pondered how to go about this conversation.

Blackwing had taught Dirk that this was normal. He let out a breath. Just how long had Dirk been living his life as though he deserved every bad thing that happened to him?

"Dirk. We need to talk." he started.

They sat down on the sofas but Todd was still thinking of what to say. After a minute or so, Dirk prompted him:

"Todd? Is everything ok?"

"No." Todd said unhesitating. Dirk sat up and edged closer to him in concern.

"What's wrong?"

"Listen, Dirk, I... I want you to imagine something for a moment."

Dirk nodded, still looking worried.

"Imagine that I got a girlfriend and that, whenever she got upset, she hit me."

They locked eyes as Todd tried to almost telepathically _will_ Dirk to understand. Dirk obviously understood the point he was making, and what this conversation was about, Todd could see the storm of thoughts and emotions in his expressive eyes.

"That's...different Todd."

"Why?"

"You wouldn't deserve it." Dirk shrugged, and Todd felt his heart ache.

" _You_ don't deserve it Dirk" he said emphatically, and Dirk looked taken aback by the unequivocal tone.

"You don't even know what I did..."

"Because it doesn't matter. You don't deserve to be treated like that. By anyone. Not by Blackwing, not by the universe, not by me, and certainly not by this Jason prick."

"Don't call him a prick, Todd." Dirk said indignantly. "Jason cares about me- loves me even, despite the fact that I get everything wrong all the time. No one's ever loved me before. I didn't even think it was _possible_ "

"Of course it's possible!" Todd said desperately aware that he was failing to convince his best friend of the importance of his own welfare.

"How could you think that? Lots of people love you, but you need to - to love _yourself_! At least enough not to let someone hurt you when they feel like it and think that's ok. It's not ok. If someone hurt me, or Farah, or Amanda, you'd be pissed - and we're pissed that someone's hurting you. It's just the same, Dirk. You don't deserve it more than anyone else, in fact you deserve it _less_ because of all the shit you've been through."

"Farah didn't see anything wrong with it." Dirk pointed out.

"Where do you think she is right now?"

"She said she - wait. Do you mean... just what is Farah planning to do?"

"I don't know exactly - all I know is that right now, I'm glad I'm not Jason."

Dirk paled and looked at the door as though contemplating going after them.

"You can't expect her to just sit back and let someone abuse you without doing anything to stop it. Or me. And don't even _think_ of going after them - because if you imagine either of us are going to let Jason anywhere near you again -"

Dirk looked at Todd and the expression so openly vulnerable that Todd moved to his sofa and pulled him into a hug, and Dirk gave in to the tears that had been threatening.

\-----------

Farah came back after a couple of hours, and sat down by them, uncharacteristically gentle.

"I'm hoping you've had a talk and that Todd has managed to help you understand a couple of things." she opened.

Dirk nodded, and Todd met her eyes with a look of shared empathy.

"Jason's leaving Seattle tomorrow and he's not coming anywhere near you again." she stated and Todd wished she'd recorded the encounter...

"Dirk..." she said softly, waiting for him to look at her, which he did. "You know I love you right? And Todd loves you, and we'd do anything to keep you safe."

He nodded and she continued, choosing her words carefully.

"I know that... because of your history... you didn't think Jason was doing anything wrong. But I need you to promise me that in future, if anyone, ever hurts you, for any reason, under any circumstances... you need to tell one of us about it ok?"

"I will. I'm sorry. Todd explained it all to me and I...I think he's probably right and that Blackwing messed me up a little bit..." he shrugged. "But I'm extremely lucky to have you both watching out for me." he added.

"It's not luck. You deserve to have friends who love you. You're the best person I know, and you deserve to be happy and safe."

"Don't make me cry again Farah, I've really only just stopped."

She smiled at him

"In that case why don't I order us in some dinner?"

"Yes please, I'm starving!" Todd endorsed.

\--------

"Hey, you ok?"

"I...I feel like I've disappointed you" Dirk said, frowning.

"You haven't. I'm a little annoyed at myself at letting it get so far without spotting it. After all the shit that went down with Blackwing and the Cardenas case...I haven't been there enough for you and I'm sorry."

"What are you talking about Todd, we literally live and work together.."

"I mean I know you've been struggling to deal with it all and I've kind of... left you to deal with it all on your own. You shouldn't have to. The truth is I was scared to ask about all of it in case I upset you and had no idea what to do to make it all right. I guess I felt a bit... out of my depth with the kind of things you've had to go through. But that's not really an excuse. If all I can do is listen I can at least do that. You don't have to carry it all alone."

He sat down on the bed opposide him with his legs crossed. "Talk to me."

"You...really want me to... to talk about all of that stuff?"

"I really do."

Dirk looked down. "You've probably figured out by now that they used to...hurt me if I got something wrong, or if I was bad. Both of which happened with tedious regularity." Dirk rolled his eyes and sighed. "You know, I ... I didn't want to be Svlad Cjelli any more because he was the little kid who was so scared and alone and couldn't do anything to save his mum from Cancer. He was the one who believed all of the CIA's lies and went with them, because they said they would protect him and find why he was different from other kids. Icarus was a lot tougher than Svlad, he had to be really. Svlad would never have survived in Blackwing."

Dirk fiddled with the blanket, not looking at Todd who was paying close attention.

"If anything Icarus was a bit too tough. When he wasn't angry at everyone and everything he was...shut off from it all. And Blackwing had complete control over him...so as soon as I got out of Blackwing I decided to take control of my own life and be me instead, Dirk Gently, and instead of being a scared, angry, controllable experiment I wanted to try and be brave and solve mysteries and help people.

"It took a long time to figure out how to be...me. And I suppose even after all this time I'm still trying to untangle it all. When I think I've finally shaken Blackwing off for good there's always something that reminds me that they are always there...following me around like a shadow."

Todd realised in that moment that he'd never meet anyone with as much raw courage as Dirk, and the responsibility to help him felt like a privilege.

"I'd do anything to make that shadow go away and leave you alone. I wish you'd never had to go through any of that Dirk. Just remember that you've got me and Farah and Amanda and we're always here for you ok?"

Dirk smiled and nodded.

"And if anyone ever tries to hurt you again, I'll kick their ass so hard they'll wish they were never fucking born."

"You did mention that. So did Farah, several times in fact..."

"Just want to be absolutely clear."

"You are both remarkably explicit in your threats."

"Good."


	20. Property Rights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk mentions a small issue he has with something Blackwing tattooed on his arm last time he was there, and reveals a deeper layer of unhealthy thinking that Todd tries to set right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by this outstanding work by electricteatime: The Only Way Out is Through (Or: How to be Almost, Mostly, Okay Again)   
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/16000730?view_full_work=true

"I think we should talk about how you're doing. Since, y'know. Blackwing."

"I'm fine Todd." Dirk answered with surprise. "Thank you for asking" he added politely.

"You just seem a little withdrawn lately."

"I'm _free_ Todd, I couldn't be happier. I have things I never imagined I could ever possibly have: for the first time in my life I feel like I have a home, real friends, I finally get to be a real detective and solve cases. Everything's fantastic!"

"I know you're... _grateful_ to be free, Dirk, but you know...if it were me... I'd probably feel a few other things as well. Like, I think I'd be pretty angry at Blackwing about now, and maybe upset with some of the things they did and said...I don't know, only you can say how you feel I just - I think you have to work through those things not just ignore them."

"I don't see what the point of being angry would be. It's all just...some stuff that happened." Dirk said, a little unconvincingly. "There is one sort of...well there was one thing"

"What is it?"

"It's very minor really, you'll probably think I'm being melodramatic."

"Hey, if something's bothering you, no matter how small it is you can talk to me. That's what friends are for."

Dirk relaxed slightly and smiled. "It's nothing really, it's just..." Dirk swallowed. "The last time I was there, Blackwing... _added_ something to me. And I don't like it. Actually I... I hate it."

"Added something?" Todd asked, confused.

"It's probably easiest if I show you." Dirk said, blushing red as he undid his left sleeve cuff and rolled it up to reveal a tattoo Todd had never seen before on the inside of Dirk's left arm. There were two symbols, the Blackwing logo, the Icarus logo, and in between in bold black writing, over two lines, "Property of the United States Government"

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Todd said to him flatly.

"Sorry - I did warn you it was just a stupid thing" Dirk asked tentatively, rolling the sleeve down and shrugging.

"No Dirk, it's a huge thing. That's...that's an _insanely_ huge deal..." Todd said, still trying to gather his thoughts through the haze of rage. "How could you possibly think that wouldn't be worth mentioning?!" he all but shouted.

"I said I'm sorry, please don't be mad..."

"I'm not mad at you Dirk, I'm angry at those assholes who had the fucking nerve to tattoo that on you against your will! What the fuck gave them the idea they had any right to do that?!"

"Well, I _am_ their property so I suppose they do have a-"

"Wait, what?" Todd asked in shock.

There was a moment of awkward silence where Todd looked horrified and Dirk looked deeply confused.

"You can't _own_ another human being, Dirk." Todd stated.

"No, I know, I just..." Dirk frowned, confronting for the first time the cognitive dissonance in his feelings on the subject.

"If you know that how can you say that Blackwing own _you_?"

Dirk continued to frown thoughtfully. "I've never really thought about it before." he admitted. Todd looked at him with pity.

"They... sort of...dehumanise you." he looked at Todd, willing him to understand. "They bought me off my parents when I was a child and treated me like a thing - like _their_ thing for _years_ ... until I suppose I just ... internalised it."

"I'm sorry Dirk." Todd said quietly, compassion evident. "They had no right to do that - to do any of it."

Dirk looked away. "I don't know if they had a right or not, I just know that I never want to go back there."

"Dirk- you're not their property. You're not anyone's property."

"No." Dirk conceded, but it was obvious that it was still yet to fully sink in.

"And we're getting that tattoo removed."

"I did a bit of research on that, and it turns out it's rather expensive" Dirk said wih a sigh.

"Dirk. I don't care if I have to sell the damn apartment, there is no way I'm letting that" he pointed to the offending arm "stay on you. I don't care how much it costs. It's- it's a fucking travesty."

"I'm sure there are better things to spend-"

"No."

"Farah might-"

"Farah will completely agree with me."

Dirk looked at his arm as though he could see through the shirt sleeve.

"I would like to make it go away" he murmured, and Todd wasn't sure that he was only referring to the tattoo. He put a hand on Dirk's shoulder.

\------------------

Farah completely agreed with Todd.

The same person who counted office stationery to the last staple, and kept track of the accounting with a scrupulous devotion to economy...did not hesitate for a second in opening the savings account for this.

The next month Dirk was fiddling uncomfortably with the gauze bandage on his left arm. It was the first of 8, very expensive treatments that would take months.

"Does it hurt?" Todd asked.

"Yes." Dirk answered honestly. "But it's worth it." he said resolutely. He peeled the gauze back a bit to reveal the angry red blistering below and Todd winced in sympathy. He wished that Dirk didn't have to go through this, and was furious at those who had made it necessary.

He knew that when Farah did her workouts she was venting her rage at Blackwing on the punching bags and on the running tracks, and he wondered if it helped. Truth be told, she had been deeply shaken by the words tattooed on her friend's arm, and it had been a form of therapy for all of them to talk it through in the evenings, when the time and mood felt right for such a heavy conversation.

"Of course...if Blackwing find out they'll just... redo it." Dirk said a little despondently.

"They can fucking try." Todd said without looking up.

"In the meantime every bit that gets removed is one step further away from the bloody CIA." Dirk added, sounding more like himself.

Todd looked up at him then, astonished as always by the positivity with which Dirk faced life. "Exactly." he said with a fond smile.


	21. Birthdays

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some very fluffy angst around birthdays as Todd discovers they have been conspicuous by their absence in Dirk's life so far, and determines to fix this. 
> 
> The Fluff is strong with this one - for once I decided to be nice to Dirk although it is not without angsty undertones.

"What are you doing?" Todd asked as he watched Dirk ineffectually touching things in a way that suggested he wanted to tidy up but had no idea how to go about it.

"I'm preparing" Dirk said with excitement. "I invited everybody over tonight, I thought it might be nice to sort of, catch up." Dirk said brightly. "Amanda's coming of course, and Farah, and Hobbs and Tina, and the Rowdy 3, or however many there are of them..."

"Wait... why?" Todd asked

"Oh I don't know, it just felt like the thing to do. Maybe it's a new case!"

"So..." Todd looked at him quizzically "..nothing to do with the fact that it's my birthday?"

"Is it?" Dirk asked, momentarily bewildered. "Wait, does that mean I should get you a present? I mean, obviously I already got you one because I'm not an absolutely terrible friend..." He glanced behind the sofa and fumbled for a bit before presenting the gift. "Here you go!"

He handed Todd a perfectly wrapped cube with a bow on top.

"What's this?"

"It's... it's... it's Mona. Sorry Todd I _am_ a terrible friend and I haven't got you anything at all."

Mona turned into her human form and Todd jumped in surprise, taking a moment to get his breath back.

"Happy Birthday Todd." Mona said brightly.

"Thanks Mona..." he said, vaguely disturbed by how normal this seemed to him now "...and it's ok Dirk you don't have to get me anything - you already organised a party from the sound of it anyway. And you didn't know it was today because I never told you, to be honest I don't normally celebrate." He shrugged. "When's your birthday anyway?"

Dirk frowned. "Oh, um..." he looked thoughtful for a moment. "I think it's ... May...maybe... August, no September the sec- four- 42nd. No wait that's not a date..."

"You don't know?" Todd asked sadly.

It was just a small thing, and Dirk was clearly not bothered by it, but Todd was. He knew it would not be the last time he internally cursed Blackwing with all kinds of terrible consequences for what they'd done to his friend.

"Well... I got out of Blackwing on the 2nd of May, so that can be my birthday." he decided.

"Didn't you ever celebrate your birthday before Blackwing?"

"I don't really remember. But this is about YOUR birthday Todd, not mine, so what do you want to do? Do you want to go out somewhere? We could go for a drive and see where we end up"

Todd realised that he had so many questions about Dirk's life, but he didn't want to go in like a bull in a china shop with something so sensitive and important, so he let it go, for now. He knew that he had to tread carefully when it came to Dirk's nightmarish childhood and the way the universe pushed him around beyond his control, dwelling on those things for too long usually ended up distressing him.

He'd go out with his eccentric British friend who'd spent most of his life locked up, and make some happy memories to write over the sucky ones. Just one thing to do first.

"Sure, I'll just get my jacket." he said and went back into his room. He went for the calendar on the side of his wardrobe and found May, putting a circle round the 2 and writing "Dirk's Birthday" on it. Then he grabbed his jacket and went on what he suspected would be the best birthday of his life, for once feeling like he had something to celebrate.

\-------------------

The 2nd of May

"Morning" Dirk said cheerfully, but also cautiously. The last week had been a little...odd, despite no interference from the universe, as far as he could tell. A very, very wide range of potential reasons for oddness had been occurring to him all night, but he was no closer to a solution.

"Morning" Todd said, "I'm making pancakes."

"Oh, could I have some?" Dirk asked hopefully. Todd glanced sideways at him. As though Todd would make Dirk's favourite food in front of him and then refuse to let him have any... he shook his head.

"Yeah, they're for you Dirk..." he said in a 'duh' tone of voice. "Did you forget what day it is?"

"Of course not" Dirk said indignantly, "It's definitely Tuesday." Dirk looked thoughtful for a moment "Though it's not Pancake Day and anyway you heathens don't even celebrate that brilliantly conceived holiday..."

Todd pushed a plate of pancakes in front of him, with a smiley face made of blueberries, and presented a small gift wrapped box with rainbow wrapping paper.

"Happy Birthday." Todd said with a shy smile.

Dirk looked at the pancakes, then at the gift, then at Todd very suspiciously.

"Is this a dream?" he asked, head tilted slightly.

"Eat the pancakes and find out." Todd said flatly, making a pancake for himself.

Dirk picked up the fork but hesitated

"Todd.." he opened, seriously. "You would tell me if there was something going on, wouldn't you?"

"What do you mean?" Todd asked.

"It's just that you and the others have been behaving a little bit...a little... _shifty_ , lately, and I just thought, I mean, I hope you would tell me if I did something wrong...or ... or something"

Todd raised an eyebrow. He really had thought they'd been pretty discreet over the past week, making it seem as natural as possible when one of them distracted Dirk for a while to let the others work. But sometimes under all the _holisticness_ and the cheerful naivety... Todd forgot that Dirk was in fact, remarkably observant. He'd also earned the right to be just a little paranoid, given that there was literally a secret government agency spying on him and possibly trying to kidnap him.

He slipped the pancake onto his plate, wishing they'd managed this without causing Dirk so much anxiety.

"You haven't done anything wrong Dirk, though you're right, sorry, I guess we have been a little secretive lately- but you'll find out why soon enough and I promise it's nothing bad."

Dirk pondered this for a moment and then said. "I trust you Todd." and started smothering his pancakes in maple syrup. Todd felt a glow of appreciation at the freely given words.

When he'd finished, he carefully unwrapped the box and took out the key inside.

"You found it! Thank you Todd I've been looking everywhere for this."

It was the key to the roof of their apartment building, which Todd knew, was Dirk's favourite place. It was just a regular rooftop but Todd supposed it was the antithesis of Blackwing...it was completely outside, slightly warmed from the heat of the building. There were birds, the sky, you could see for a long way or just sit in the middle and be _outside_ and free.

Todd had noticed that his friend often went there when he wanted to think, when he was upset, when he couldn't sleep.

Their apartment only had one key to the roof and usually it was by the door, when it wasn't in Dirk's possession. It had been curiously absent all week.

"Actually Dirk, I have a confession to make. I didn't find it, I...took it in the first place. I didn't want you to go on the roof until it was ready."

"Ready for what?"

"Go and see." Todd said with a careless shrug, but couldn't restrain a twinkle of mischievous excitement in his eyes and a small smile from escaping.

Todd followed Dirk to the top floor, and he opened the door to find the roof transformed into a suburban roof garden, with pot plants and benches, and "Happy Birthday" banners strung up everywhere.

On the benches sat Farah, Amanda, Hobbs, Tina, the Rowdy 3 (5), and a duck.

They stood up and Farah said "Happy Birthday!" closely followed by the others.

Dirk looked so thoroughly shocked that for a tense moment, they wondered if he was ok and Farah glanced nervously at Todd.

Todd stepped closer to him. "Hey, you ok?"

Dirk turned to Todd with tears in his eyes and hugged him, trembling with emotion.

"You're the best friend...anyone could ever have, Todd." Dirk said, with quiet sincerity that moved Todd.

"Yeah well... you're worth it." Todd said, shyly.

The duck quacked loudly and turned into Mona, who also hugged Dirk before turning into a watermelon.

As the day wore on, Farah arranged the food, and Amanda put some music on.

When it started to get dark, fairy lights lit up the space and Farah opened the outdoor storage box to reveal a fluffy blanket in every colour of the rainbow.

Amanda and Todd talked, properly, for the first time in a while. Amanda missed her brother too much to maintain her anger, and as they slipped into old habits and their natural, easy laughter rang across the rooftop, Dirk sighed with contentment.

"So what do you think?" Farah asked, holding his arm companionably.

"I think I've just had the best day of my life."

"So far, Dirk. The best day of your life, _so far_."

He smiled at her. "Thank you, Farah. I really am incredibly lucky."

She shook her head, resisting an urge to point out that Dirk was probably one of the unluckiest people she'd ever met, and that nothing in his life had been fair. But instead she gave his arm a gentle squeeze and said.

"We just wanted to show you how much we all love you, Dirk. Just remember that."

Tears welled up Dirk's eyes and he could do no more than nod.


	22. Thanksgiving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Thanksgiving fic no one asked for, lol 
> 
> Brotzman family fluff, Dirk is invited to Thanksgiving with the Brotzman family, and tries very hard to fit in despite being very nervous about messing it all up. The Brotzman family do their best to make him feel at home.

"Dirk, what are your plans for Thanksgiving?" Todd asked as he entered, having just got off the phone with his parents.

Dirk looked at him as though worried that he'd hit his head. "You do know that I'm _British_ , Todd?"

"I'm going to assume that means you don't have any plans. Which is good, because Mom just invited you to join the Brotzman Family dinner and I said yes."

"Todd...that's very kind of your Mum but don't you think it's really a time for family? I mean you've only just got past the whole... _thing_ "

Todd knew Dirk was tactfully referring to the tension after he'd told his parents the truth about lying to them for years... but if anything, it just strengthened Todd's desire to have someone there who was on his side, rather than have to face everyone he'd betrayed on his own.

"Mom doesn't believe anyone should be alone for Thanksgiving. Whether they celebrate it or not. So - you're coming. Just try not to do or say anything weird."

"Nothing weird. Got it. And what constitutes weird?" Dirk queried.

Todd looked at him doubtfully. "I'm sure it'll be fine."

As the car approached the house, Dirk blurted out suddenly "I don't think this is such a good idea."

Todd stopped not far from his parents' house and parked, but didn't get out. "Is that a hunch, or are you just nervous about meeting my parents?"

"I don't think I know how to be not-weird, Todd. And I really _really_ don't want to ruin everything between you and your family."

"Look just try to relax ok? Don't forget Amanda will be there too."

"You're right. You're right, everything will be fine."

"Are you worried they won't like you?"

"No...not exactly." Dirk replied slowly. "I'm more worried that some... _thing_ will happen while I'm there, like a new case, or Blackwing will turn up, and I really don't want your parents to get caught up in all of that. It's probably better if they stay away from me. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea..."

"Dirk, it's just a family meal." Todd knew this was part of a wider issue of Dirk believing that people around him inevitably got hurt, but he knew this wasn't true. Dirk fixed problems, he didn't cause them.

"Wait...do you think they won't like me?" Dirk said, as though the thought hadn't occurred to him until Todd mentioned it, but now he was worried about that too. Todd sighed and shook his head in despair.

He rang the doorbell.

"Hi Mom, Dad... this is Dirk."

"It's a pleasure to meet you Mr. and Mrs. Brotzman." Dirk said with a natural politeness that almost made Todd think he had nothing to worry about after all as they went in and sat down.

"Come in, come in, dinner's nearly ready. It's lovely to meet you Dirk we've heard so much about you."

"Oh, really?"

Amanda and Todd greeted the parents they hadn't seen in a long time, and Amanda motioned Dirk to a spot on the sofa, next to her, as he stood in the middle of the room looking unusually self-conscious.

"Oh dear now where did I put my pills...ah here they are." Rosa popped out two pills.

"Are..are you all right?" Dirk asked with concern.

"Just some iron tablets to help with anaemia." Rosa said.

"Oh."

There was a slightly awkward pause while Rosa took the tablets with some water.

"Did you know that if you're allowed to go outside, you don't need to take Vitamin D supplements?" Dirk asked nervously. "It took me ages to figure that out."

Todd frowned in concern, but his mum took it in her stride as she tended to.

"Oh we used to let Todd and Amanda run about in the fresh air. Here." she took a photo album down from a shelf and sat on the other side of Dirk.

"First days at school... first school play...christmases and birthdays... and look this was their very first holiday to the seaside, Amanda used to love the sea. Sandcastles...oh look, this is with their cousins over in Florida. Todd do you remember that adventure theme park? We practically had to drag you away - and look their first music lessons, do you play anything?"

"No, no musical talent whatsoever unfortunately."

"Here's another one - first trip across to Canada. Did you go on holiday much when you were little?"

"N-no... not really." Dirk said a little awkwardly. Amanda intervened before things got too awkward.

"Hey why don't we play Charades? Have you ever played that?"

Dirk shook his head and Amanda explained the rules. She and Todd gave a quick demonstration.

"Ok I'll go first." Rosa said. "It's a film-"

"Towering Inferno" Dirk said spontaneously.

"You have to wait for charade part Dirk" Amanda said

"Funnily enough that _was_ the film I was thinking of..." Rosa said and Dirk found himself being stared at for a moment, blushing red.

"You must be-" she started, but Todd interrupted loudly

"Great minds mom - great minds think alike, right Amanda?"

"Sure, I was going to guess that one too, it's a classic." she said with a nod.

"Well, I'd better get back to the kitchen anyway, your father can't be left too long without supervision" she said with a good natured chuckle to herself as she left.

"It's ok you know Dirk, just try to relax" Todd said.

"I'm sorry." Dirk mumbled.

"Don't be. We want you here." Amanda said firmly. Dirk took a deep breath and nodded.

\---------------

At dinner, there was a little light banter between Amanda and their father as he told them some anecdotes of Amanda as a little girl.

"Are your folks back in England?" Rosa asked conversationally, realising that they were excluding their guest.

"In a manner of speaking- they died when I was young." Dirk said.

"Oh I'm so sorry...what happened?"

"They were...sort of...murdered. I'd rather not talk about it if it's all right with you." Dirk said, smiling weakly to show that there were no bad feelings.

"Of course I'm so sorry. Who was it brought you up?"

"I'm sorry would you excuse me a moment?" Dirk said shakily and left the room. Todd and Amanda glanced at each other in concern before Todd went after him.

Todd found Dirk sitting on a step outside.

"Dirk, hey I'm really sorry - they didn't mean to upset you."

"It's not that. I mean, I know they were just making conversation, I'm not angry or anything...it's just..."

"Just what?"

"Blackwing were right all along." He muttered, despondently.

"What?" Todd asked

"I - I don't _fit_. I feel ridiculous Todd... like I'm pretending to fit in somewhere I _clearly_ don't belong. Blackwing were right..."

"Don't say that Dirk. Blackwing weren't right about anything, don't let them mess with your mind. You're free now."

"Am I?" Dirk asked suddenly, tears in his eyes.

"Hey, I know it's a lot. What they did to you was...I can't even imagine. And I know you didn't have the kind of childhood where you could go on holidays or even go outside... and it must be hard seeing all those things you missed out on so close up. But you're a detective, Dirk, a really good one. You don't belong in a secret prison being experimented on, you belong out here, with your friends solving cases, helping people and making the world a little better."

Todd put a hand on his shoulder and waited to catch his eyes.

"And hey - I've spent most of my life feeling like a misfit - you, me, Farah, Amanda, we're all a little weird y'know? I have this rare genetic disease no one's ever heard of and Farah's a slightly neurotic but totally kick ass ninja, and my sister hangs out in a van with 5 other weirdoes and I think she's some kind of magical witch or something - whatever, the point is we're all misfits together. Ok so individually we're all freaks but together we fit. You can't tell me you don't feel that Dirk."

"Maybe you're right." Dirk sniffled.

"Of course I'm right." he said resolutely, putting a comforting hand on Dirk's shoulder.

"Todd?" Todd's mother appeared a couple of steps from them. "Could I please speak to Dirk for a moment?"

They shared a look that seemed to communicate a lot silently, and Todd gave a nod, leaving Rosa to sit down next to Dirk.

"Oh my." she said as her joints creaked slightly, and she chuckled. "I might be getting too old for this but nevermind, I'll be quick. Amanda told me a moment ago that you grew up in a kind of orphanage, and they didn't treat you very well, which I wish she could have told me before I asked so many insensitive questions. I do hope you forgive an old woman for being so tactless."

"Oh, no I'm - I'm ever so sorry for running out on you like that, it was very rude of me. I can see now why Todd and Amanda are so wonderful with such lovely parents."

She put a hand on his knee and gave him a warm, confidential smile. "There was something else I wanted to say. I wanted to thank you Dirk. I don't say I understand everything that is going on in Todd and Amanda's lives these days, but I understand enough to know that before you came along they were both miserable. Utterly miserable. And now, I've never seen them happier."

Dirk blushed slightly.

"Did you know that Todd saved my life, only a week after we met? He and Amanda are so _brave_ and they go out of their way to help people. I can't tell you how much trouble I'd be in if it weren't for them. You can be very proud of them, you know."

Rosa sighed and looked out to the distance. "Oh, I can't help being proud of them, I'm their mother. Todd told us that you were the one who encouraged him to tell us the truth. Benjamin and I only had two goals in bringing them up, to make sure they would grow up to be decent people, with integrity, and that they would be happy. Well, we tried our best Dirk, but I daresay it wasn't until you arrived that I could honestly say we achieved our goals. Thank you, you are always welcome here my dear. You're part of the Brotzman clan whether you like it or not." she added with a mischievous twinkle in her eye.

Dirk's eyes had welled up with tears and he swallowed and then straightened and looked at her with a nod.

"Thank you Mrs. Brotzman. That means a lot to me."

She shook her head as she got up, chuckling slightly. "Our Todd...just to think of _our_ Todd managing to find a friend as sweet as you. Oh if you'd known him as a teenager..." she kept chuckling to herself as she walked back to the house and after wiping the tears away, Dirk followed. "You _can_ call me Rosa you know." she added.

As soon as they entered the room, Todd's father called him over.

"Dirk follow me, I want to show you a Brotzman family secret." He beckoned him into the kitchen. "I'm going to show you how to make the best Apple Struedel in the world but I want your word that you'll use this information responsibly..."

His voice faded out as he and Dirk disappeared into the kitchen

Todd and Amanda shared a look of amusement but they were quietly optimistic that their dad and Dirk would get on pretty well, on the hopefully safe topic of cooking dessert.

Rosa motioned them to her. "Todd, Amanda, I don't know where you found him but I want you to take care of that boy, do you understand?"

It was unusual for their easygoing mother to demand anything of them. If anything, she'd given them too much leeway growing up and forgiven them too easily. But they knew that she was very perceptive when it came to people, and Amanda put her hand on her mother's arm and nodded.

"We'll try our best Mom" Todd said.

"Good."

A short while later Dirk burst out of the kitchen yielding an apple struedel between oven-mitt hands and proclaimed: "Todd, look at this - it's an Apple Struedel and I helped make it!"

Benjamin stood behind him chuckling slightly.

"Well I mean, it _looks_ good Dirk but that doesn't mean anything. I'm gonna have to do a taste test."

The rest of the evening went smoothly as they relaxed into a more familiar banter.

"Thank you for inviting me Todd. That's what I've always imagined a real home would look like, but I never got to be part of one before. Maybe Blackwing weren't so right after all."

"Yeah well you better get used to it because you're staying over for Christmas too." Todd said with a smile.


	23. 3am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Todd helps Dirk get to sleep at 3am

Todd woke up at about 3am, and rolling over lethargically and onto his feet, made his way to the bathroom. He knew that last cup of tea had been a mistake. But Dirk had seemed reluctant to part ways with him, even just to go to their separate rooms, and Todd was happy enough to keep him company a little while longer.

He wandered into the kitchen to get a glass of water, and noticed that Dirk's light was still on. He frowned. Dirk was still up? He hoped he hadn't woken him.

He put the glass of water on the side and then cautiously approached Dirk's bedroom, where the door was half-open, as it usually was. The detective didn't seem to be a huge believer in privacy, his own or anyone else's.

"Dirk?" he called quietly, pushing the door open slightly so he could see into the room, without entering. "Are you ok?"

Dirk was sat on some cushions, on the floor, his back up to the end of his bed. He was dressed in the same clothes as yesterday, and he was reading Lord of the Rings.

Todd didn't usually go into Dirk's room; his friend may not believe in privacy but Todd did. He looked around at the colourful, cosy room, and liked it. It smelled slightly of cinnamon. The curtains were open, one window slightly ajar.

"I'm fine, thank you for asking Todd." Dirk answered, adopting the same near-whisper level.

"How come you haven't gone to bed?" Todd asked in a normal voice, entering more fully and sitting down on the floor near him.

"I just didn't feel like sleeping. Besides this is a really good book"

"It is... but you need to sleep. Or at least...try."

Dirk put a bookmark in the book and put it down, but didn't look at Todd.

"I suppose you're right." he said with a sigh.

Todd looked at the area behind the door which he could now see from this angle, and saw that the mirror in Dirk's room had been covered up by a blanket. He frowned. Did Dirk hate how he looked that much? He looked back at his friend, but he was still looking at the floor.

"What's wrong, Dirk? You can talk to me you know" he said, with open concern.

Dirk didn't say anything, or look at him for a moment but then sighed and turned to him with an unconvincing smile. Todd noticed how pale and exhausted he looked, and wondered when the last time he'd slept had been since he left the hospital.

"Don't worry about me Todd. You ought to get some sleep too."

Todd didn't move, just looked at him pensively for a moment. Then he came to a decision, and said: "I think we need to talk about Blackwing."

Dirk tensed noticeably at the word and Todd almost wavered in his conviction.

"Why?" Dirk asked cautiously.

Todd thought carefully about how he wanted to phrase it.

"I...don't know what happened there, or when you were there before, but I'm guessing it wasn't good, and I'm worried that maybe you're not - I dunno, dealing with it?

"What do you mean I'm not dealing with it?" Dirk said, sounding equal parts indignant, curious, and alarmed.

"Well I mean, you're not sleeping, and you put a blanket over your mirror..."

Dirk glanced at the mirror and sighed.

"Look...I'm not _stupid_ Todd, I know there isn't a team of Scientists watching me from behind that mirror. It's just that for the time being I'd rather not have it in my room, that's all. I'll get over it, so it's fine"

Todd looked back at the mirror as he briefly imagined Dirk being observed like a lab experiment behind two-way glass. No wonder he felt uncomfortable with one in his bedroom. Todd looked back at him and met his eyes

"I know you're used to dealing with it all, and I know you are ...resilient - but you don't have to do it alone, you know? I'm right here. I mean- you know all of my shit and... I just want to help with yours - because I get the feeling it's a lot, and I really, really hate just helplessly sitting on the sidelines while you deal with it all on your own because you won't trust me or let me in."

"I do trust you Todd." Dirk reassured. "And...you're right. It's not very fair if you are vulnerable with me but I don't open up in return... it's just...I've never talked about it before. I'm not sure I even _can_ talk about some of it. But I can try if you're sure you really want to know about it."

"I'm sure. And you don't have to tell me everything at once. Just a bit at a time. Like- what happened the first time, when they took you?"

"Back when I was Svlad Cjelli? The first time...I was at home, with my parents..." Dirk's expression became distant and Todd took his hand to remind him of his presence.

"They were refugees from Yugoslavia, and didn't really know what to make of me. It won't surprise you to learn, Todd, that I was rather a strange child... I once stowed away on a ferry to France to track down a missing girl. I found her in Belgium after four days. I think that's what may have alerted the CIA to my existence...when I was 8 they took me from the house in the middle of the night, and then burned down the house with my parents trapped inside. Mr. Priest made me watch. Made me understand that it was my fault."

"Jesus, Dirk that's ... fucking huge. I'm so sorry... I had no idea"

"Todd -I ... I don't." Dirk swallowed and looked at him seriously. "If there's one thing I've learned over the years, that Blackwing have made excruciatingly clear, it's that they can get to me whenever they want, and there's nothing anyone can do to stop them. I need you to promise me that if they do come for me again, you won't try to stop them, you won't get yourself killed trying to protect me"

Todd thought for a moment. He wanted nothing more than to take Blackwing down one punch in the face at a time right now, but he knew Dirk was right, realistically he couldn't take on the CIA.

"Ok. If they take you, I won't die trying to stop it. But you know we wouldn't stop for a second trying to get you out of there again, right? Me, Farah, Amanda, Mona - and we make a pretty bad ass team."

Dirk smiled. "I used to have dreams when I was there, that you and Farah would come and rescue me. And then I'd wake up and be stuck in that grey room again and wonder if I'd ever make it out or just die in there... " Dirk shook his head. "But now it's the other way round. When I sleep my traitor of a brain makes me think I'm in Blackwing...and I'm so, so scared that I'll wake up back there, that all of this will have been a dream and I'll wake up back in that awful place-"

Dirk choked and Todd pulled him into a hug.

"Hey, it's ok. It makes total sense that you'd feel like that but god... I wish you could feel safe Dirk. What can I do to make you feel safe enough to go to sleep? Would it help if I- if I stay?"

"You would really do that?"

"Of course Dirk, I'm your best friend."

"It's very generous of you but you need to sleep too." Dirk said.

"I think you're severely underestimating my ability to sleep anywhere, any time." Todd said as he grabbed a blanket and made himself comfortable on one side of the bed. "You're not the only one with special abilities you know." Todd mumbled before apparently drifting off.

Dirk shook himself out of his awe at this skill and, taking a couple of minutes to change into his pyjamas in the bathroom, took the other side of the bed.

And then he slept. 


	24. Give me a hug already

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Dirk, I'm not going to bite your hand off if you touch me you know? Just... give me a hug already."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After rewatching Season 1 it seems to me we have some of our tropes a little backwards.
> 
> We tend to think of Dirk as the tactile one and Todd being more stand-offish, but it's really the other way around.
> 
> For example, when Farah was in need of comfort, Dirk was extremely reluctant to touch her. He gave her a sort of tentative pat, then a prod (lol) and then aborted the idea as though he basically had no idea what he was doing. And it makes sense that he would not be used to physical contact with others or know the normal social etiquette in situations like that.
> 
> Meanwhile, Todd is actually quite tactile and open - maybe not with Dirk who he's just met, but with Amanda he doesn't hesitate giving her hugs and telling her he loves her and such.
> 
> This story is a reflection on that to some extent.

"I'm so sorry Todd." Dirk said, sympathetically, watching his friend deal with the sudden news that his grandmother had passed away. 

Todd wiped a couple of tears away.

"Thanks" he said quietly. "She kinda...brought me up when I was a kid, my parents were always out to work and she'd be the one looking after me, so we were pretty close. She even came to a Mexican Funeral concert once..." Todd chuckled slightly and then a new set of tears arrived.

Dirk hesitantly put a hand on his shoulder, and then drew back.

"Dirk, I'm not going to bite your hand off if you touch me you know? Just... give me a hug already."

Dirk reached a hand out with the same reticence as before, flinched slightly, and then hugged Todd like he was jumping into cold water.

After a few seconds Todd pulled back to look at him more closely at him.

"Dirk are you...scared of touching me?" he asked, glad to have a distraction to take his mind off things.

"Of course not." Dirk said far too quickly. Todd waited patiently, raising an eyebrow.

"I mean... not exactly. One of the rules at Blackwing was never to touch any of the staff. If we did, even accidentally, we got in a lot of trouble. It can take a while to get past that kind of conditioning...at least in my experience. Up until now it's never really come up..."

"You ... didn't touch anyone for all that time?"

"Oh they were allowed to touch me" Dirk clarified. "Though, not in any way that was...welcome." he added before shaking his head. "I'm sorry, this is about you, not me."

"No I - you don't talk about that stuff much and I...want to know."

"Oh. Well you know you can just ask." Dirk said with a sigh. "It's not always easy to talk about but...I'll tell you anything you want to know." he said, paling slightly. "Todd I'm sorry I'm... not very good at all this. I don't have much experience comforting people. But I do want to help if I can."

"You are helping Dirk."

Dirk relaxed slightly, reassured. "Good."

"And if it helps, you know...you can give me a hug whenever you like. So you can, I dunno, practise or whatever"

"Thank you Todd."

There was a slight pause before Dirk gave him another hug, just slightly more natural than the first.

Todd wondered if he'd live to regret his offer, but then he realised... he really wouldn't.


	25. A Place to call Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short one inspired by seeing Dirk's apartment in Season 1- Todd notices something about Dirk's apartment and brings it up.

Todd was having his kitchen redone. And his lounge. And his - basically his whole apartment...he had finally saved up enough to get it all fixed up properly, nearly a year after it had been destroyed, but for the next week his apartment would be unlivable. In the meantime, he was staying with Dirk - who conveniently lived just a floor up.

Because of that extra floor, any agency or social activity almost always centred on Todd's place. Which was ridiculous, really. Dirk's place was so much nicer: it was bigger, cleaner, fancier in every respect.

Something nagged at Todd about it as he entered but he couldn't put his finger on it. It was a lovely apartment, he couldn't help feeling a little jealous.

Dirk had vaguely explained something about UK/US exchange rates when asked how he'd got such a nice place, which made Todd wonder just how Dirk had any money in the first place... but he knew if he asked, Dirk would just claim that the 'universe provides' for him. Maybe he found winning lottery tickets lying around too.

He noticed the new coffee machine with surprise, knowing that Dirk didn't like anything except for the pumpkin spiced chai frappuccino type coffees.

"Hey you got a coffee machine."

"Oh, yes I thought it would make you feel more at home while you were staying here." Dirk said as he plumped up a pillow on the sofa. Todd smiled. He couldn't help feeling touched by the generous gesture and amused at his friend's way of doing things all the way or not at all.

"Thanks" he said and Dirk, sensing the smile in his tone, looked up and returned it.

"Dirk there's...something weird about your apartment." Todd said, looking around. The reason the coffee machine had stood out as new was that nothing else had moved.

Dirk looked at him with puzzlement. "Is there?"

"It looks like a show room apartment or something. It's...incredibly neat and tidy...there's no stuff...hardly any colour... " Todd finally put his finger on it. "It isn't _you_ Dirk."

Once he saw it, he couldn't unsee it. This place was exactly the same now as it had been when Dirk bought it. In muted greys, there was absolutely nothing to suggest that a chaotic, extroverted Brit lived here.

"You haven't put any personal touches on it at all. Don't you want to I dunno, make it a bit more like a home? It's almost the exact opposite of your personality..."

Dirk looked thoughtful, then briefly scanned the room.

"I... suppose." Dirk said with a shrug. "I don't usually bother."

"You still think of it as temporary?" Todd frowned. Did Dirk still think of all this as something that could slip through his fingers at a moment's notice? He couldn't honestly blame him if he did, but he wished he could feel more settled.

"It's not that so much, it's just... I don't like to get too attached to things. It's safer to ...to not."

Todd looked at the room again and wondered if he had been wrong after all. Dirk treated his apartment the same way he treated everything - phones, clothes, cars, he picked them up and put them down as though he were just borrowing them. He _was_ just borrowing them. The universe lent them to him until he moved on to the next one.

But Todd had grown up in the same house for years and had a clear concept in his mind of what _home_ meant, and what it looked like. And this wasn't it.

"That's...kind of..." he shook his head. "Wouldn't you rather have a place to call your own that felt comfortable and safe? More like a real home?"

"So the Rowdy 3 can come and destroy it?" Dirk paused. "Sorry Todd that was insensitive of me."

"No it's fine, I mean, I get what you're saying. I do. Our lives are...incredibly weird and I guess, kind of unstable. But that's why I think it's important to have some kind of sanctuary to come back to. Something that you can call your own."

Dirk sighed. "Maybe you're right Todd. Maybe it's like the t-shirt you gave me, that on the very same day Blackwing took and destroyed. After all the dust had settled, and I'd spent all that time being upset about it... you just gave me another one. It just goes to show that irreplaceable things can be replaced by other irreplaceable things."

Todd wasn't sure if that was the most profound, or most stupid thing he'd ever heard, but he kind of liked it anyway.

He gave a wry smile. "Sure, let's go with that." he said.

"We have a new case Todd. The Case of the Boring Apartment"

"Sounds like fun. Tomorrow we can go out looking for leads. In the meantime, I get to pick the movie."

"Deal."


	26. The Hollow Feeling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Todd hears some bad news about a friend and discovers that Dirk can sympathise more than he imagined.  
> Warning: Suicide as a topic in general

"Is everything ok?" Dirk frowned in concern as Todd returned from his room to take a private call.

"No...it isn't... Jamie, my... an old friend who played bass in Mexican Funeral. He killed himself last night."

"Oh...I'm so sorry Todd, that sounds awful. Do you want to...talk about it?"

"No offence Dirk but I don't think you'd really understand. I think I just - I'm going to take a walk...alone."

"Ok." Dirk conceded.

Dirk was still awake when Todd got back at 2am, and hovered as he took his coat off.

"I'm gonna get some sleep." Todd said, not looking at him and going straight to his room.

\--------

The next morning he was up late and Dirk pushed a cup of coffee over to him without his usual morning banter. After Todd had drunk some of it Dirk opened:

"I just want you to know that I'm here, if you want someone to talk to. Or, whatever you need."

"Would you stop trying to make me talk about it already?" Todd snapped. "Jamie was - You wouldn't understand Dirk - you have no idea what it's like to feel that way and I just can't deal with trying to explain right now"

"Is that really what you think?" Dirk asked, quietly stunned.

There was an awkward silence, and then Dirk broke it by talking very quietly, looking intently into his cup of tea.

"When I was 15 I - I stole a gun from a guard and tried to shoot myself with it."

Todd stared at him in shock.

"It didn't work. By some strange coincidence, the guard had forgotten to put ammo in it that morning. After that I tried refusing to eat anything, but of course, they just force fed me. Finally I took one of their IV needles and tried to slit my wrists."

Todd was staring at him wide-eyed as though he were a stranger, but Dirk wasn't looking at him.

"That didn't work either. Eventually I had to concede that the universe just wasn't going to let me kill myself. But it didn't stop me from thinking about it...for a while it was all I could think about. I thought I would spend my whole life in Blackwing, grow old and die there, and I didn't think death could be any worse than the hollow, lonely, utterly joyless thing my life had become."

Dirk sighed. "Look, I know it's not the same, I don't really think anyone feels the same as anyone else. But if you think I could never understand what would make someone want to take their own life, you're wrong."

"I...I'm sorry." Todd said, realising that as usual he'd been being selfish, and stupid. He knew perhaps better than anyone how deeply Dirk felt things. He also knew that Dirk was the best person to talk to for just about any subject; he was a good listener, and replied with simple, thoughtful honesty in a way that made everything seem to make sense to Todd.

"It's all right Todd, I don't think any of that is what this is really about." Dirk said with a small frown. "I think you're trying to deny yourself the comfort of talking to a friend or a shoulder to cry on, because you don't feel you deserve it. You, Todd Brotzman, are blaming yourself and wallowing in guilt."

Todd stared at him. Was it from being a social outsider for so longer that made Dirk so remarkably astute in his observations? Or did the universe give him hints? Or did he recognise the feelings from his own experience? Regardless, Todd couldn't deny the truth of the analysis. As though he could read his mind (not that Todd would ever say that out loud), Dirk explained his reasoning.

"I think guilt is a perfectly natural thing to feel in circumstances like these. But Todd if you really understand, as you say you do, what that deep, hollow feeling is like - eating away at you day after day until you just can't stand it any more - you'll know just how ... insidious it is. And nothing good can come of you blaming yourself."

Todd said nothing, frowning deep in thought at what Dirk had said. After a minute he started to talk.

"Jamie was trying to battle drug addiction and alcoholism as well as some mental health issues - he'd been struggling for a long time with it." he said. "I...I tried to be there but I didn't know what to do, how to help... I mostly just made things worse and I didn't want to end up going the same way so I...backed off. I kind of cut him out. And then when all the shit went down and the band broke up and never wanted to see me again it was like - I don't know. A relief I guess. I was just a really shitty friend and he deserved better."

"You're not a shitty friend to me Todd. Any time I feel... _overwhelmed_ , or need someone to talk to, I know you're there for me. You've grown so much as a person and learned from all the things you've been through and that's what's important- so try not to be quite so hard on yourself."

"Dirk...have you - have you ever thought of suicide since you left Blackwing?"

Dirk looked away guiltily. "Once or twice." he admitted.

"Promise me you'll tell me if you ever feel like that again or -or have those kind of thoughts"

"I will." Dirk gave him a reassuring smile. "And I hope you will do the same for me."

"Believe it or not, in spite of all the self-loathing that's made up the majority of my life, I've never wanted to kill myself. I guess I'm just too self-centred."

"It's not selfish to want to keep on living, especially when you have people who care about you and would miss you."

"Yeah ... I couldn't have done that to Amanda." Todd reflected a little more generously to himself. "Dirk would you... come with me, to Jamie's funeral?"

"Of course I will." Dirk put a hand on his arm comfortingly. "In the meantime why don't we try and tackle that flat-pack bookshelf that needs putting up? It says you need two people"

Todd gave a short nod but was relieved at the prospect of doing something to take his mind off things.

"Sure - you go and unpack it while I make breakfast"

"Lunch" Dirk corrected, given that it was 1pm

"Brunch" Todd compromised with a smirk. "Then after food we can put it up"

Todd tried to imagine Dirk killing himself and found it extremely difficult. He hoped that was an indication of the stability and contentment Dirk had found since acquiring a support network of friends...but still. In his mind a world without Dirk was devoid of warmth; an empty apartment in a grey twilight.

Todd decided to make pancakes English-style, thin and crepe like, knowing that the detective liked them best that way although he happily consumed any pancake based food. He might not deserve a friend like Dirk, but that wouldn't stop him from trying.


	27. Estevez Deserved Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A tribute to Detective Estevez who really did deserve better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by DontOffendTheBees' wonderful fic https://archiveofourown.org/works/11254926
> 
> After rewatching S1 I was once more struck by just how much I love Zimmerfield and Estevez and how utterly gutted I was to see them killed off. Estevez was nice to Dirk and will therefore always have a special place in my heart.

When Todd got in from the weekly shop he found Dirk sitting on one end of the sofa, huddled in a ball and sobbing into his knees

"Dirk, what's wrong?" Todd asked, moving to the sofa and sitting next to him. He looked up in surprise at Todd, wiping away the tears and taking a deep breath.

"Farah told me about Detective Estevez. That he was killed the same day I went back to Blackwing." Dirk said, sniffling.

Todd frowned, thinking back all those months. "Oh" he said, unable to hide his surprise at the cause of Dirk's distress. "I...didn't realise you were that close? Not to sound..." when Todd thought of Estevez, he mostly thought of the suspicion and borderline rudeness of him and Zimmerfield, in every mini-interrogation he'd had.

"He was nice to me Todd. He..." Tears took over and Todd reached for a tissue and handed it to him. "He helped me walk when I ran out of blood, and made sure I was ok."

It started to come back to Todd now...he'd forgotten all that. He'd been furious with Dirk, and that in combination with trying to stay alive had taken all his attention... but looking back he remembered Estevez being kind to the detective, and backing up Farah. Towards the end he had been pretty decent to them.

"And then he took me to the hospital and...he stayed with me." Dirk said, trying to suppress more tears. "He didn't have to, but he did. He stayed with me until I was in a stable condition, all through the surgeries, until he was absolutely sure I wouldn't die. I know because the nurse told me afterwards."

Todd raised his eyebrows slightly. Shit...had it really been that close? Guilt gnawed at him and he wondered why he hadn't recognised how grave Dirk's condition was. He'd been impaled by two harpoons, had been bleeding to death - and Todd hadn't been there. He hadn't even been the one to get him safely to hospital. Todd didn't know Dirk's shoulder had required surgery although again, in retrospect it seemed obvious.

He felt an irrational kind of jealousy at Estevez for being there when it should have been Todd. But...he was grateful that _someone_ had been, that Dirk hadn't been completely alone. Estevez had been kind-hearted enough to look after Dirk, to not leave him alone...and now he was dead. Dirk was right...he wished he'd had a chance to get to know him better.

"I'm sorry." he said, feeling that it was inadequate. Hell, Todd was feeling pretty inadequate himself right now, but it was a feeling he was used to. "You're right, he was a good guy."

"He was like you, Todd." Dirk said, quietly. "He didn't _have_ to stay, but he did anyway."

And just like that, the self-tormenting thoughts disappeared, and he felt like a good friend again. He felt needed. Todd gave him another tissue and then pulled him into a hug.

"He deserved better Todd." Dirk said, muffled by Todd's shoulder.

"Yeah, he did." Todd agreed, sadly. "Hey, how about I make you a cup of tea?"

Dirk nodded and pulled away, feeling somewhat better for the catharsis of grieving for Detective Estevez, though left with a slightly numb feeling, an ache.

Todd thought of all the people they'd seen killed in their time. It was a staggering number in his opinion, and Dirk must have seen hundreds more before he and Todd met.

He remembered when Dorian had accidentally shot himself in front of him, and the way he'd accused Dirk of indifference. That was the first death Todd had seen, but now he understood why Dirk had been able to distance himself from it. When you saw as much death as regularly as Dirk - and latterly, as Todd - you didn't have much choice but to keep yourself apart from it all.

But Dirk still formed quick, deep, loyal attachments to people he liked - and that usually just meant anyone who showed him a modicum of kindness, anyone who actually listened to him, anyone who bothered to help him. Todd felt a wave of protective fondness for his warm-hearted friend in that moment.

He went over with the mugs of tea and sat back down.

"That time, when Estevez was there for you at the hospital...I should have been there too and I wasn't. And... I never actually apologised for the things I said to you before...I'm sorry."

"It's fine Todd, the important thing is that you came back."

"No, Dirk, this is important. I saw how much it hurt you, and I'm sorry. You're not a monster. And you don't deserve to be alone, you deserve all the friends you want. "

Dirk suddenly looked uncomfortable and Todd felt a knot in his stomach.

"You do... know that, right?"

"It's...complicated." Dirk said, apologetically, and Todd knew that was code for 'Blackwing related'.

"It's really not, Dirk."

"I suppose, theoretically, I know that what you said isn't necessarily true...it's just, you weren't exactly the first to say it. When you hear the same thing from enough people, it can be hard not to wonder sometimes if they can really _all_ be wrong."

Todd looked at him sadly, wishing he could undo all the psychological damage Blackwing had done to his best friend and feeling like absolute shit for adding to it.

"Then I guess we'll have to keep telling you how much you deserve to have friends until you believe that instead. Because you do. More than anyone."

Dirk relaxed slightly. "Thank you."

"It's what assis-friends are for." Todd said with a smile.


	28. Black Book

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Why do the Rowdies have a grudge against Dirk, and why does Dirk think he deserves to be targeted by them all the time? Protective!Todd thinks it's time to intervene. 
> 
> A slight expansion of an idea posited in Not Going Anywhere that Dirk was the first project   
> Explains why Martin seems so adamant in S1 that Dirk is "not their friend" and why the Rowdies feel entitled to take Dirk's energy when they like

"Hey, stop it!" Todd ran down the alleyway but it was too late, Dirk sat up in a daze and the Rowdies looked far too pleased with themselves.

"Assholes!" he shouted, and they turned to him in amusement.

"Hello to you too, Todd" Amanda said, arriving on the scene from the direction of the van.

Todd went to help the frazzled detective up, and found himself in the middle of a circle of Rowdies and Amanda watching them.

"I can't believe you're still doing this - just leave him alone, jesus christ as if we don't have enough shit to deal with..." Todd said, too angry to be scared. The case they were on was stressful enough already, involving as it did an Ecuadorian motorbike gang, a very angry nun, and a wild goat.

"Hey" Amanda objected hotly. "They can't help needing to _eat_ Todd. And If Dirk wanted them to stop, he'd just ask them to stop!" Amanda said with annoyance.

"He ain't gonna tell us to stop. Brit owes us." Martin said. He looked at Dirk and lowered his glasses "and he knows it." he added.

"Owes you?" Todd asked in confusion, looking at Dirk and noting that his friend was avoiding his look. "What's he talking about?" he asked.

"Maybe it's about time you told the truth, _Icarus_." Martin said coldly.

"What's he talking about Dirk?" Amanda said, with a feeling of dread. She couldn't face another betrayal, and braced herself, raising her defences. "Is this about Blackwing?"

Martin advanced on Dirk, pushing him back at arm's length with the tip of the baseball bat until Dirk was against the wall.

"The truth about Blackwing." Martin confirmed. "Come on now don't lie to your friends. Tell them."

"Dirk?" Todd asked uncertainly.

Dirk closed his eyes. "They started it because of me." he said, scarcely above a whisper, but it came across clearly in the strange silence surrounding them.

As soon as he said it he looked like he was about to pass out, pale as a sheet of paper with a cold sheen of sweat forming, he refused to look at any of them.

"Started what?" Amanda asked, needing to hear out loud that she'd understood correctly.

"Blackwing - it's my fault it even exists" he added, in a pained voice. Todd held a hand out to steady him, and felt the tremors running through the detective.

Martin growled.

"Six years my boys and I were locked up in there"

"Like animals!"

"2,347 days"

"Caged in that hellhole thinking we was never gettin' out"

"56,328 hours"

Suddenly Dirk shouted above them, desperately "Do you think I _wanted_ to be there?"

"You _deserved_ to be there Icarus, you still do"

Todd felt Dirk flinch at that, though he remained silent, head down.

Todd on the other hand, stepped in between Martin and Dirk.

"Hey! BACK off!" he said, fury written on his face. The suggestion that Dirk deserved to be stuck in that nightmarish place set every protective instinct on fire.

"First of all his _name_ is Dirk! And secondly of all..." he hesitated slightly, shaking his head in confusion "what the hell are you all talking about?"

He turned to Dirk. "I thought you said you were just a kid when Blackwing took you the first time?"

Amanda stepped closer, keen to hear Dirk's side of the story, no matter how loyal she felt to the Rowdies.

Dirk nodded and took a breath, smoothing his hair down to some vaguely recognisable form as though it were an outward expression of his inner nerves. He looked at Todd, and spoke as though he were the only one there.

"When I was 7 I got mixed up in a case that involved the CIA and Interpol, among others, trying to contain a portal to an awful parallel universe that had appeared in Belgium. The only way to stop it spreading seemed to be to throw back everything it spewed out...but it couldn't be closed because one thing it sent out had been stolen. It was...a black book. I won't bore you with the details but sufficed to say I ended up in Belgium with the book, and helped them close the portal, and rather stupidly told them the Universe had sent me there to help."

He took a deep breath and continued. "A year and a half later, after my mum died and there was no one else to look after me, the CIA took me to Project Blackbook as it was known then. I was the first project...for a while the _only_ project. But then they started trying to find others like me, started actively searching for more ...like Mona and the Rowdy 3." Dirk ended, with evident self-reproach.

"How is _any_ of that your fault?" Todd asked in complete bafflement.

"If I hadn't bulldozed into things like ... like I _always_ do, maybe they wouldn't have noticed I was ...different. Maybe they would have thought it was a funny coincidence and moved on"

"You were seven years old Dirk, are you guys-" he turned to Martin "- you seriously blame him for any of that?"

Amanda looked from Todd to Martin, observing with curiosity.

Martin was looking at Dirk with an expression that was neutral, save for the unmistakeable pity in his eyes. "You ain't never told us the full story before now."

"You don't usually stop to chat" Dirk observed, with a little of his usual self returning.

"How long were you there?" Martin asked in a low tone.

"11 years...not counting the last time"

Martin stepped away from them, found an empty coke can on the floor and used his bat as a golf club to bat it into a wall.

The metal on brick sound reverberated in the alleyway.

The others all watched him in silence until he turned, with his usual grace back towards them.

"Wasn't your fault." He said simply. He turned to the others and gave a nod to gesture them back to the van.

He turned back to Dirk before leaving and Dirk tensed.

"We won't come after you any more." he said, meeting Dirk's eyes. The detective, gave a hesitant but relieved nod in response.

Amanda gave Dirk a small smile and put a reassuring hand on his arm before leaving them to join the others.

Dirk let out a sigh of exhaustion, physical and emotional.

"Come on, let's go get something to eat" Todd suggested. It was around lunch time anyway, and Dirk needed to sit down and restore his blood sugar to its usual off-the-chart level.

"Thank you for what you did back there Todd."

"Just doing my job." Todd replied with a shrug.

Dirk let out a disappointed sounding "Oh." that Todd couldn't bear so he added:

"As your best friend, Dirk"

Dirk seemed to cheer up at that, and they made their way to a cafe.

"I thought you might be mad at me for not telling you all that before." Dirk said after they'd ordered.

Todd thought for a moment, considering his feelings on the topic. He could see why Dirk would think that - it was another case of Dirk not exactly _lying_ about anything, just choosing not to reveal the whole truth. But in this case, it didn't involve life and death situations with Todd in the middle of it.

"It's your story, Dirk. You have every right to decide what you want to reveal, and who to, and when."

The waitress appeared and set down their coffee and strawberry milkshake. When she'd gone, Todd continued, calmly.

"What bothers me is that, you seem to think it changes anything. Like I wouldn't want to be friends with you after knowing, or something. Honestly it's kind of messed up that you think it's your fault. You didn't start Blackwing, the CIA did, and they had no right to take 11 years of your life away from you. It's not your fault that the universe put you in their path, or that they made a prison for people like you and started hunting them down."

Dirk took a tentative sip of milkshake but said nothing.

"And jesus, Dirk you were just a kid."

"Maybe." Dirk conceded, unconvincingly.

"You didn't deserve it, and if anyone ever says you do again, I'm going to punch them in the face." Todd said as their food arrived. The waitress raised an eyebrow at his last sentence but just gave them a friendly smile and left.

Dirk stared at the plate for a moment.

"Can I tell you something truly awful? I was... I was glad when the other projects arrived. I didn't like being the only project they had to focus all their attentions on. Imagine being...being glad at the thought of other people - like Mona- having to go through the same thing as me, how selfish is that?" Dirk said in a voice of self-loathing.

Todd stared at him.

"What I'm imagining...is being a 9 year old kid in a military prison all on your own, having just lost your mom, and being experimented on by military thugs in a foreign country. Except, I can't really imagine it because it's so fucking awful that I can hardly wrap my head around how anyone could do that. What you felt was... human. Anyone would have felt that way - it's _normal_ to want to protect yourself from harm."

Todd sighed. "I... look I'm ...massively underqualified to help you understand any of this. But I do know that being a kid, and going through that kind of trauma...you gotta cut yourself a break man. None of it was your fault ok? No one should have to go through what you did."

Dirk was listening to Todd as attentively as he always did, as though everything Todd said was worth deep consideration.

"Perhaps...you're right. I _was_ just a kid." he allowed. "And if even the Rowdy 3 don't blame me for what happened ...that has to count for something right?"

"Exactly. I think their leader, Martin, actually felt bad about the way they've been treating you. He got that it wasn't cool."

"I can't say I'm sorry that they'll be leaving me alone from now on." Dirk said with relief. "Thank you Todd." he added sincerely. "What you did was...well. It was amazing and kind and brave and... in short, it was very... _you_."

Todd blushed slightly. It had been a long time since anyone thought he was awesome and Todd could feel proud of his actions.

"Any time." he said with a shrug. 

Dirk looked at him with a fond smile and then said abruptly: "Now about this goat-"


	29. Instant Regret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Todd was no stranger to saying things in the heat of the moment that he would come to feel guilty about. He just wished he could master the art of thinking before speaking as he says something which terrifies Dirk, and instantly regrets it

Todd had drunk too much. So had Dirk.

Apparently, Dirk was a talkative drunk because he'd been talking almost non stop for 10 solid minutes.

"-but they could talk to each other telepathically and what the Uros people hadn't realised about the lake even after centuries of living on it is that the high Ultra Violet combined with the-"

"Dirk-" Todd tried and failed to interrupt the non stop flow. He sighed, zoning out entirely of the words.

"Seriously-" he tried again, feeling a headache coming on.

Dirk continued to talk at such a high speed it was impossible to follow.

"DIRK! If you don't shut up right now I'm sending you back to Blackwing"

Dirk stopped.

The silence was deafening.

Dirk subconsciously started walking backwards and the look of abject terror on his face sobered Todd up instantly.

"I...I didn't mean that - I'm sorry" he said guiltily.

Dirk was still walking backwards slowly, so Todd took a few steps forward to catch up with him. That made Dirk stumble over something and fall, and he scrambled to his feet and ran before Todd could even register what was happening.

"Wait!" he cried out desperately feeling like shit.

He found him after about half an hour of searching, huddled against a tree, trembling, and making himself as small as possible. Todd had never been more grateful for Dirk's vibrant taste in clothing, which made him a lot easier to find.

"Dirk...I'm sorry, I'm really sorry." he said, kneeling in front of his friend.

"Please don't make me go back there" Dirk said quietly, not looking at him. "I'll be better, I promise, I'll ... tell me what to do and I can ...I can try harder..."

Todd squeezed his eyes shut and wiped away a couple of tears that were forming a lump in his throat and made speaking impossible.

"Just _please...please_ don't make me go back there..." Dirk ended, barely above a whisper. His breathing was uneven and shallow.

"I would never, ever make you go back to Blackwing, I promise." Todd said, with a tremor of raw guilt in his voice. "I didn't mean what I said. Dirk would you... please can you...forgive me?"

Dirk looked tentatively up at Todd, saw the tears on his face. The depth and sincerity of his regret.

"Todd...please could you not say anything like that again? Only it's sort of a particular fear of mine...a sort of recurring nightmare really..."

"I won't - I'm sorry. Look I'll...I'll find a way to make it up to you ok?"

Dirk relaxed slightly.

"That's ok Todd. You just startled me but it's all right." Dirk stood up and Todd followed.

"It's not all right. It was a really fucked up thing to say...why am I always so shitty to the people I care about the most?"

Dirk perked up a bit. "I'm one of the people you care about the most?" he asked shyly.

"Of course you are Dirk, you're my best friend."

Dirk's whole body language seemed to radiate a warm glow of happiness.

"As far as I'm concerned Todd, that's all that matters."

They walked back.

"I'm going to do all your paperwork for a month." Todd announced.

"You really don't have to do that Todd." Dirk answered easily. Then he thought about it for a second. "Although if you want to and it's the will of the universe, I suppose who am I to stop you...no, wait, no." he shook his head. "We all make mistakes Todd. And since I tend to make about 100 times more mistakes than anyone else, I'm not sure it sets a good precedent."

"What are you talking about?"

"I don't want to have to do your paperwork every time I do something wrong. Frankly you wouldn't believe how good I am at getting things wrong. It's kind of a specialist skill in its own right..."

"Dirk..."

"Sorry. Too much talking again."

"No I... talk as much as you want. There's nothing wrong with you, that's all."

Dirk glanced at him, and Todd saw the tears welled up in his eyes.

"Thank you Todd."


	30. Fights and Fears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Todd manages to go off script during a fight, given a little perspective, and understands a little more about Dirk's reactions. 
> 
> Friendship/ Angst

Emotions ran high sometimes at the agency. They were often in crazy, stressful, life-threatening situations - and on top of that, none of them were naturally stoic by nature. Except, perhaps, for Mona, who seemed to find it very easy to be a leaf on the stream of creation and go with the flow, no matter what happened.

Their fights were characterised by a particular format which Todd recognised as one that had settled itself early in their relationship.

Todd would get justifiably angry about something, and then say some unjustifiably unkind things that he didn't mean. He wasn't sure why, they just poured out without thinking when he was angry. 

Dirk would lash out like a wounded animal, saying something essentially true but tactless, and then immediately apologise and look both guilty and scared.

Farah would often intervene at this point, telling them to cool off, and Dirk would run away somewhere and hide.

Todd would apologise and Dirk would act like he really hadn't expected Todd to ever come back, and then be happier than usual for a while with relief.

\------------

"I told you not to run after that pig farmer but you didn't listen, you never listen Dirk - you know why? Because the only person you care about is you! You didn't think about how I would explain to my parents - who are already mad at me- what the hell happened to their caravan, because you're so self-centred that nothing else matters!"

"Well at least you bloody _have_ parents - it's not MY fault they're angry with you!" Dirk snapped. Then, as always, looked stunned at his own words. "I'm sorry." he said quickly.

Dirk's passing reference to the fact that his parents had both been killed in front of him when he was a child stopped Todd in his tracks. Suddenly nothing seemed terribly important with that kind of perspective.

Todd recognised it for what it was - a pattern they kept falling into. But a couple of months ago when Dirk had told him, with horrifyingly poignant detail, how he had watched Mr Priest murder his parents in front of him, the images conjured had stayed with Todd. He had felt such profound sympathy for his friend, such horror and shock, it was almost like it had happened to _him_ as well as Dirk, so distinct and vivid were Dirk's memories and his way of expressing them.

Those images, those memories are what shocked Todd out of the pattern. Shocked him out of his anger.

He knew Dirk wasn't really self-centred, and he knew Dirk was right- it wasn't his fault that he'd upset his parents earlier that month, when he forgot his father's birthday. Amanda was still mad at him and he usually relied on her to remind him. The whole thing was a mess and he was pissed off about it, and taking it out on Dirk.

Normally Farah would intervene at this point but she wasn't here. He realised that he'd been staring at Dirk for a moment. Dirk looked even more desperately worried and said:

"I didn't mean that. I'm sorry - really Todd. Please..." Dirk trailed off

"I'm not going to stop being your friend just because we have a fight." he said suddenly. Dirk looked relieved.

"Does that mean you...forgive me?" Dirk asked tentatively.

"I deserved what you said. You don't have to apologise for defending yourself when I'm the one being an asshole." he said shaking his head. "I'm sorry."

Dirk sighed in relief. "No I'm sorry Todd I shouldn't have said that. And you were right to be angry."

"No. You're not selfish. You've literally dedicated your life to helping others. And I am angry, but not at you - I'm sorry." he repeated.

"It's fine Todd, I think we're both just a bit tired." Dirk dismissed.

"Dirk, can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"When you snapped at me and then immediately apologised- were you... scared of me? It always seems like one minute you're angry and the next you're scared that you've done something wrong"

"Well... I _have_ done something wrong Todd. I don't intentionally say mean things or shout at my best friend."

"And that thought...scares you?" Todd pressed.

Dirk thought for a moment. "If I talked back to someone at Blackwing like that, it would never end well for me." he admitted.

"Yeah... I kinda thought that might be what it was" Todd said, still wishing it wasn't the case.

"But as you can see, they never _entirely_ managed to stop me doing it anyway" Dirk said with something like pride or mischief in his voice. Todd smiled.

"You are so punk, you know that right?"

Dirk beamed at him. "I think we both know I'm not, but thank you Todd."

"You... you do know I would never...hurt you, right?" Todd said awkwardly. "No matter how angry I get."

Dirk's expression softened to unmasked affection. "I know" he said fondly.


	31. Nightmares are connected

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a leak in the dreamscape, and Todd has an awful nightmare of being a child in Blackwing.

Todd was dreaming that he was a small child. He was in a room with a bed, a table and chair, a set of identical teddy bears and some crayons and paper. The wallpaper was blue with white clouds on it. It was the sort of room an adult would design for a child if that adult had zero experience of children.

He was sat on the floor by the bed, colouring with the crayons, and idly humming to himself to make the room less silent. He was ignoring the big mirror and the camera in the corner of the room and pretending he was in a spaceship.

A military man with a moustache peered in through the glass window of the door and then entered. The boy stood up automatically. The man looked severely down at him, towering over the small, slight child.

"Svlad. Do you know why you didn't get any dinner yesterday?"

Todd felt himself, as Svlad, nodding, not daring to look up. He wasn't scared, he was just upset. He hated disappointing Colonel Riggins. He just wanted to make him proud of him for once, but he didn't know how to do that. Everything he did was wrong. He just wasn't good enough.

"You embarrassed me yesterday in front of the General. I thought we agreed after last time that you were going to try a little harder?"

"I did try! And I told you the light would go out and it _did_ go out!" he objected, in a small British voice.

"Svlad" The Colonel said severely and Svlad tensed, looking at the floor.

The Colonel sighed. "We are not here for you to predict lightbulbs going out. Now what have you been drawing. Show me."

Svlad sighed and reluctantly put his drawings on the table.

Todd felt his mixed feelings: he knew he'd be asked what the pictures meant, wouldn't be able to answer and would make the Colonel angry. He'd vow to himself that he wouldn't draw any more, and then get so bored and lonely that he'd inevitably end up drawing anyway - it was the only thing to do in the prison cell of a room. And every time, every _single_ time...he'd desperately want the Colonel just to _like_ one of his drawings. Just to think it was a good picture, regardless of what it was supposed to mean. But he never would.

The Colonel inspected the drawings attentively for a few moments.

"Red and white flowers...rain...what's this?"

"A tree."

"No not that - what's this? This here"

"Oh. I...I don't know. A hole? I think?"

"This car - it's grey but what make and model is it?"

Svlad looked at him blankly.

"Registration number?"

The boy looked away, fiddling with the hem of his plain grey t-shirt, horribly aware that once more, like always, he was being a disappointment.

The Colonel sighed. "All right. I'll take a closer look at these. I want you to concentrate and see if you can come up with more detail."

Svlad nodded, glad that at least the Colonel wasn't angry - perhaps the only thing worse than disappointed. But perhaps he would be angry later, when Svlad inevitably failed to come up with anything of note.

"I'll have them bring in some breakfast."

"Thank you Sir." the boy mumbled.

The dream did a fast forward in time to an indefinite later moment. Time had very little meaning inside the box of a room. A furious Colonel Riggins entered the room, grabbed Svlad and held him against a wall.

"Marie." he said, spitting the name in the boy's face. "MARIE"

"Wh-who's Marie?" Svlad asked, terrified of the look on the Colonel's face. He knew all too well that, while no Mr. Priest, the Colonel was not above physical violence, "discipline" he called it.

The Colonel slapped him, hard. "The woman whose _funeral_ you predicted. She happened to be a friend of mine Svlad. Why did you draw those images? To taunt me? Were you supposed to save her but you're just too _stupid_ to understand what the universe tells you?"

He slapped him again and let him fall to the floor, where the boy huddled protectively in on himself. The Colonel grabbed him by his collar and lifted him up, grabbed his arm with a bruising grip and dragged him down the metal, military corridor.

"P-please I didn't know what they meant really they didn't mean anything I was just _drawing_ " Svlad attempted, though it was clearly futile.

The Colonel opened the door to a tiny room, pitch black and cold, and threw the boy into it.

"Please don't leave me in here, I don't like the dark and I didn't mean to be bad I promise, I didn't mean to be bad!" he pleaded, tears streaming down his face as the Colonel slammed the door shut and darkness descended.

Svlad started to panic, slamming his little fists against the door until he could feel blood from his knuckles and then sat down in a ball, trying to get his breathing under control as he sobbed.

"I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home" he whispered, indistinct memories of a little house - one in a row of identical terraced houses- looking out over a park - and his mother... England... his home... but his mother had been the one to send him here. She was scared of him.

He'd let Colonel Riggins down again. The Colonel hated him now. Maybe he'd never speak to him again. Maybe he'd forget he was locked in this room and he'd die here. Would that be so bad? It would: if he died he'd _never_ have a chance to do something right and make the Colonel like him. There must be something he could do differently? Something he wouldn't be totally useless at?

Svlad cried himself to sleep eventually, in a deeply uncomfortable sitting position.

The sound of the door woke up him. He woke up shivering, and stiff, and sore. His arms and face were bruised and ached, and his hands were swollen from banging on the door. He'd gone past the point of hunger, all he felt was pain.

He looked up, knowing from the familiar chuckle who he'd see, but still felt sick to his stomach to see Mr. Priest looming over him.

"Well if it isn't little Project Icarus. In trouble _again_ I see. You just can't seem to do anything right can you? What say I take you to see some of your friends? Colonel Riggins can't stand the sight of you right now but Project Incubus - they _always_ love to see you."

Svlad let out a choked sob and Mr Priest laughed, pulling him up roughly. The dim light of the corridor was still blinding compared to the blackness of the cold dark cell he'd been in and he was dazzled by the difference...

And that woke him up.

\---------

Todd woke up shaking.

He lay there for a moment and then sat up and put a hand over his mouth and cried very quietly.

There was a knock at his door and Dirk peered in "Todd are you all right? I just had the _strangest_ dream, I - oh, you're...." Dirk sat down next to him. "What's wrong?"

Todd pulled him into a hug which Dirk reciprocated, with concern.

"It's all right Dirk, you're ok, you're ok" Todd said, which completely baffled Dirk who until then had been _sure_ that he was the one comforting Todd, not the other way around.

"I know I'm ok Todd, _you're_ the one who's crying" Dirk pointed out.

"I..." Todd shook his head and wiped the tears away.

"What is it?" Dirk asked with concern. "You can tell me, whatever it is." he added softly.

This show of kindness seemed to start a fresh set of tears which again, confused Dirk who had been aiming for the opposite effect. He really wasn't very good at comforting his friends, it would seem.

He frowned. "Am I just making things worse?" he pondered out loud. "Oh! I know, I'll make you a cup of tea, that always makes me feel better. But wait you don't drink tea - so that's a stupid idea- what about coffee? Or hot chocolate perhaps - or...or should I go and get Farah? Or I can call Amanda? I'll call Amanda"

"No, no it's - you're not making things worse." Todd said, taking a deep breath. "I just had a bad dream that's all."

"It's funny you should mention dreams. I just had what I _think_ is the best dream I've ever had, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't actually _mine._ " Dirk had a feeling all this was connected but then saw Todd wipe his eyes dry for a second time. "Sorry Todd this is about you isn't it? What was the dream about?"

"It was about you Dirk. It was - your dream. I dreamt that I was you as a kid, in Blackwing. It was...god it was so miserable..."

Dirk looked at him curiously, and then thoughtfully.

"So you had _my_ dream, and I had... somebody's dream...I don't think it was yours, but it wasn't mine- there's some sort of .... leak going on in the dreamscape. This is a case Todd!" Dirk said jumping to his feet.

"Dirk, wait...just, wait a second. I just need a second to process. I know you always told me how awful it was growing up in Blackwing but hearing about it and ... _experiencing_ it, they're kind of two different things. I just- I'm sorry."

"What do you mean?" Dirk asked frowning in confusion and sitting back down.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that. It was so...cruel. There was no one there to love you or protect you. To comfort you. The way they made you feel...you were just a kid Dirk, you didn't deserve any of that."

"What exactly did you dream?"

Todd told him, and Dirk seemed relieved - which made Todd wonder how many far worse dreams he might have had.

"How often do you have nightmares Dirk?"

"It varies" Dirk shrugged. "Sometimes every night, sometimes I don't get one for a whole week."

 _A whole week_ , Todd thought sadly.

"It was all a long time ago Todd." Dirk said quietly.

"It never should have happened. I wish you'd had someone there for you. If you ever want to talk about it or anything - I'm here, you know that right?"

"I know, and just knowing that makes me feel better about everything. So thank you. Now get dressed, we have a case."

Dirk disappeared and Todd shook his head slightly and then got up.

\-------

After they'd finished breakfast (Dirk expounding his current set of poorly-formed theories as to what might be going on re: dream plumbing), they were ready to go meet Farah at the agency.

Before Dirk could open the door Todd pulled him back.

"Dirk I want you to know that...for what it's worth, I'm proud of you. I'm proud to have you as my friend, and I'm proud of how brave and kind you are every day. I'm proud of the agency we've built and the cases we've solved and the people we've helped and... and I always will be."

Dirk stared at him with tears in his eyes and swallowed thickly.

"Thank you Todd." he said in a strained voice that suggested he was putting almost all of his efforts into not bursting into tears. "That...means a lot to me."

He took a breath and relaxed slightly. "I'm proud of you too, the man you've become and the amazingly capable assistant, there's no one I'd rather call my best friend than you, Todd Brotzman."

Just with a look, Dirk could somehow make him feel like he was worth something. He didn't just look at him like he was an especially awesome person, somehow, inexplicably, he made Todd really _believe_ it. Just for a moment, but long enough to feel invincible.

Todd smiled. "Then let's go solve another case"

"Agreed. Excellent plan."


	32. A brand of interrogation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Todd sees some troubling scars on Dirk's back and finds out what happened.

"Dirk, shit - what - what happened to your back?"

"Now's hardly the time Todd" Dirk whispered in response and Todd had to concede that he was right. An Arabian tribal chief had just instructed them to change into the clothes of his choosing before he would meet with them, and they had done so.

Todd hadn't meant to look in Dirk's direction while he was changing, but it was a small tent and it had turned out to be unavoidable.

"Also, _obviously_ Blackwing _."_ Dirk added, as he adjusted the headdress and disappeared.

Todd tried to get his head back in the game as he followed him out.

But honestly, all he could think about were the X marks branded into Dirk's skin, in more or less neat rows, completely covering his back. The thought of someone doing that to his best friend made him feel sick. It reminded him of just how little he really knew about Dirk's past.

It was more luck than judgement that got them through the rest of the case while Todd's mind was elsewhere...but to be fair, luck over judgement was a sort of trademark of the agency.

\---------

As soon as the case was over, there was only one thing on Todd's mind.

"Dirk...can we talk about-"

"Do we have to?" Dirk interrupted, glancing at him somewhat defensively.

Todd paused, wondering how best to approach this.

"No" he shook his head. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to."

"You were thinking about it, weren't you? During the case..."

"It's impossible not to. How would you feel if you saw something like that on me?"

Dirk frowned, considering this. "I'd be curious to know what happened." he admitted, then sighed. "Ok look... you remember I told you that sometimes they let me see some of the other projects? Like Mona?"

Todd gave a nod.

"Once when I was 15, they let me visit Mona, and I sort of... helped her to escape. I got her to change into a pencil and then I left my pencil in her cage and pretended it was her."

"You didn't try to go with her?"

Dirk shook his head "I would have slowed her down. Anyway, when they found out that I'd helped Mona escape and then lied to them they were not terribly happy with me."

Todd stared at him with wide eyes. He'd heard of British understatement but having seen what 'not terribly happy' looked like, he couldn't help feeling it was an understatement too far. He didn't interrupt though, and Dirk continued.

"Mona was a very high profile project as you can imagine. It was politically embarrassing to them in rather a big way, so they brought in Mr. Priest to ... _interrogate_ me. He wanted me to tell them where Mona was. It was mainly a punishment but they also thought I could psychically find her somehow." Dirk shook his head in exasperation with Blackwing and their lack of understanding.

"They...burned you." Todd said quietly, watching him carefully.

Dirk paled as a distant look came over him. "Mr Priest would put the branding iron in a small stove where I could see it heating up. It was...unbearable...watching and waiting for the pain I knew was coming. He waited for it to turn red and then walked over to me, laughing to himself...and no matter how many times he did it, I still struggled, every time, even though it was pointless."

Dirk closed his eyes as his breathing became more rapid and shallow, losing himself to the memory.

"The pain was...like nothing on earth...it was...and the _smell_..."

"Hey, Dirk, take it easy ok? Just breathe... stay with me." Todd said, worried about the pallor and film of cold sweat covering his friend as he started to hyperventilate.

"I'm sorry Todd, I- I can't..."

"Hey, hey, listen it's all right we don't have to talk about it any more. Think about...think about the park down the road, with the bakery that makes good tea, and the swings you're not supposed to go on but do anyway. Think of the way it's covered in daffodils all through the spring the same colour as your jacket and I told you not to get lost or I'd never find you..." Todd hardly knew what he was saying, he just knew it was his fault Dirk was upset and he had to fix it, had to bring Dirk back to the present, happy time of his life somehow.

It seemed to work, as Dirk noticeably calmed and took a deep breath.

"Thank you Todd. I'm sorry about that I just-"

"Don't apologise. It was incredibly brave of you to tell me at all - I didn't mean to upset you by bringing back such an awful memory, but I'm glad you told me."

"Yes, well, at least now you know what happened. You are a detective after all, it wouldn't be fair to leave you with an unsolved puzzle."

Todd smiled slightly at that.

"You saved Mona." he noted.

"Yes...even after all that..." Dirk said "If I was stuck in a timeloop I'd do exactly the same thing again."

Todd considered that for a moment, and then put a hand on Dirk's.

"I'm really fucking sorry they did that to you." he said sincerely.

"Thank you Todd. I'm just glad it's over. At least, I hope it is." he added, slightly nervously.

"Hey, we won't let them get to you. Farah's a ninja, my sister's a witchakookoo, I think...and Mona can turn into an aircraft carrier. As for me, I'm just really fucking stubborn. We won't let them hurt you again."

"The fact that you want to protect me means more than I can put into words, Todd. Just know that if anything _does_ happen... it's not your fault."

"Why, have you got a hunch?" Todd asked frowning.

"No, it's not a hunch so much as ...past experience. The universe doesn't much care for my safety. But knowing that you do...well. Frankly Todd that makes it worthwhile getting up in the morning."

"Yeah well, the universe can consider itself on notice because the way it has treated you so far really pisses me off. No one hurts my friends and gets away with it."

Dirk smiled fondly at the petulant determination of his friend.

"Thank you Todd. That makes me feel a lot safer." he said, half teasing, half serious. "I don't suppose that includes protection from paperwork?"

"Sorry Dirk this case write up is all yours. I did the last one."

Dirk sighed. "If I get a papercut Todd..."

"Nice try..." Todd chuckled.


	33. Possessions and Permissions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk misinterprets Todd's reasons for taking his favourite t-shirt. It can be hard to tell these days between a normal thing and a Blackwing thing.

"Todd, did you...take my Mexican Funeral t-shirt?" Dirk asked hesitantly.

Todd looked at him. "Yeah that was me" he said, hoping to reassure him that he hadn't lost it since Dirk seemed worried.

"Oh..." Dirk said, with a frown. "Ok."

"I thought I'd throw it in with my washing since it became obvious that you're not going to wash it any time soon."

"Wash it?"

"Yeah Dirk, I know you usually just get new clothes when yours need washing but if you want to keep something you have to do laundry every now and then."

"So...you didn't take it because you were still mad at me after yesterday?"

"No..." Todd shook his head in confusion. "You thought...that because I was mad, I would just - take your stuff?"

"Oh....well..." Dirk started

"Wait. Is this...a Blackwing thing?"

Dirk looked at him and gave a hesitant nod. Todd looked at him for a moment, sadly.

"Dirk I'm not going to take your stuff without your permission."

"Except to wash it" Dirk pointed out.

"Except to - you know what? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have even done that. I should have asked first. I didn't have a right to just take your stuff without asking."

"Just to confirm then, you're _not_ still mad at me?"

Todd sighed. "No. I'm sorry I yelled at you yesterday, I over-reacted, as usual...I thought doing your laundry might make it up to you as way of apologising."

"Oh." Dirk said, pausing to consider this. "That's very thoughtful Todd. Thank you."

"Yeah well I kind of messed that up didn't I?"

"No -" Dirk hastened to reassure him. "It's my fault really. I should have known you wouldn't do something like that. I mean, you're not Blackwing. I used to have a better grasp of these things but lately I can't seem to remember what's a normal thing and what's a Blackwing thing."

"You just got back from being there for over 2 months, it's bound to be confusing. But don't worry just take your time to get used to being... _free_ again. And if you're not sure you can just ask and I'll try not to be a jerk about it like I was yesterday."

"Thank you Todd. And thank you for washing my t-shirt, you're right, I would have forgotten to do it."

"How about I try again with my attempt at an apology and make you breakfast?"

Dirk beamed at him like it was his birthday. "Excellent idea Todd. First rate assisting as always."


	34. Homesickness moderate, becoming good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk starts to feel a bit homesick, which results in a conversation about identity in which Todd and Farah learn a little more about his childhood, and what he considers to be 'home'.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the Shipping Forecast." Dirk said. He unplugged the headphones so Todd could hear what sounded like a random jumble of words (some possibly made up?) and numbers, spoken confidently in a calm, English accent.

_Viking, North Utsire, South Utsire, North 4 or 5, Occasionally 6 in North Viking. Showers. Good. Forties, Cromarty, Forth..._

"I-" Todd started. It had a strangely hypnotic quality about it and Dirk seemed to find it relaxing.

... _Tyne, Dogger Northeast 5 to 7. Rain Later. Good, becoming moderate..._

"Dirk why are you- is that...BBC Radio? So what ...it's a weather forecast for the sea?"

"Ships, Todd. The clue's in the name really. It's a forecast...for ships. In the British Isles obviously."

"Why...are you...just why?" Todd asked, baffled.

Dirk shrugged. "I just find it reassuring to know what the weather is around Britain. It's relaxing."

Todd listened to a bit more of it.

_Lundy Fastnet Cyclonic 5 to 7 becoming North or Northeast 6 to gale 8. Rain or Showers. Moderate or Good..._

He had to admit, he could see Dirk's point, there was something strangely soothing about the repetitive, rhythmic nonsense words. By Dirk's standards this wasn't _too_ weird, he supposed.

He noticed a plate nearby with a half-eaten crumpet, jam lathered on top, and an empty mug of tea. Next to that was a Kate Bush album and a copy of Sherlock Holmes.

"Dirk are you maybe... feeling a little homesick?" he ventured.

Dirk looked like he was going to deny it, but then looked a bit sheepish.

"I do miss the UK." he admitted. "Don't get me wrong, Seattle's lovely and all my favourite people are here. It's just.."

"England's home?"

"Exactly."

"Maybe we could go and visit?"

Dirk looked at him as though Todd were a genius for thinking of the idea.

"Yes! Can we really?" he sounded so excited that any reservations Todd might have had got pushed aside.

He shrugged. "I don't see why not. It's only a plane ride away right?"

Dirk beamed at him with renewed energy, and only then did Todd realise just how subdued he'd been before.

"Todd. I have SO many things to show you in the UK. I'm going to make a list. Also you like music, and we have a lot of good music in the UK."

"I'm...aware." He reassured him.

"Do you think Farah will come too? She'll have to leave her gun here." Dirk looked doubtful at the prospect of separating Farah from her gun long enough to visit the UK. "Maybe when we get through customs Mona could be a gun for her? Only if you want though Mona" he reassured a nearby lamp, which flicked in acknowledgement.

Todd wondered what he'd started, but had to admit he was a little excited too. It had been a long time since he'd travelled abroad, and that was only across the border to Mexico. Visiting Europe did sound like fun.

\----------

"We were thinking of going on a trip. Dirk's feeling a little homesick."

"Homesick? For..." Farah asked tentatively.

"England, Farah, obviously" Dirk said, sounding insulted.

"Oh. Ok. So...England's your...home?"

"YES Farah. Where else would it be? It's bloody well _not_ Blackwing if that's what you're thinking"

"NO, no I just - your name, old name I mean, birth name...doesn't sound very English."

There was an awkward silence.

"Farah." Dirk said with curiosity. "I really had no idea you were capable of such casual racism"

"I- what? No - I'm not- " Farah shook her head in confusion.

Todd stifled a laugh and Farah glared at him. She took a deep breath.

"Ok you're right that's...I shouldn't have assumed. So...you were born in England?"

"No."

"So I was right!" she exclaimed.

"Farah, you're doing it again" Dirk frowned. "I was born in Romania and I...suppose I grew up there..."

"You 'suppose'?" Todd queried, taking pity on Farah.

"My mother was English and our house was like a little exclave of England planted in Romania. She was quite...eccentric, in retrospect. I didn't go to school or learn Romanian or anything like that. Then when I was 8 she sent me away to Blackwing because she ..." Dirk trailed off suddenly.

"She what?" Todd prompted carefully, aware that Dirk's past was somewhere to tread lightly.

"She was scared of me." Dirk said bluntly, blushing slightly. Todd felt his heart break a little at the admission, despite Dirk's attempt to say it in an off-hand way.

"Anyway that's not the point. When I got out of Blackwing I decided to go to England and make it my home. Which is what I did. It's a country that values all the same things that I do: crime solving detectives, tea, and free healthcare."

"I'm sorry Dirk, I- I get it. It's part of your identity." Farah said, genuinely.

Dirk nodded, pleased with Farah's interpretation of his explanation.

"That's quite all right Farah. You'll see when we get there. I'm going to make an itinerary" he said and left the room with obvious excitement.

"This is going to be interesting."

"I literally learned more about Dirk in the last 5 minutes than I have in the last 5 months. So yeah, it's going to be interesting. But when is life ever dull these days?"

"Fair point."


	35. Holding back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brotzly - Todd knows that Dirk feels the same way, so he gets Dirk to open up about what it is that's holding him back. 
> 
> WARNING for sexual abuse of a child (not graphic)

If Todd had been angry, then Dirk could have been angry too and that would have been that.

But it was Todd's gentleness that left him completely defenceless.

They were making dinner and chatting amiably when, not for the first time, the atmosphere turned from platonic to romantic, and they were both very aware of it.

"... which is how I ended up at the Royal Wedding completely soaking wet with half a tree in my hair." Dirk ended the anecdote and they laughed.

"I'm sure you looked just fine" Todd said, flirting casually as his hand touched Dirk's.

Dirk looked at him hesitantly for a moment, and Todd recognised the expression because he knew his was exactly the same. But Dirk pulled his hand away with the excuse of looking for a knife to cut the tomatoes.

Todd paused for a moment, and then decided to just come straight out with it.

"What is it that's holding you back Dirk?" Todd asked with concerned curiosity, and no judgement or anger whatsoever.

"What do you mean?" Dirk stalled, knowing exactly what Todd meant.

"I could understand if you didn't feel the same way, but I know you do. I can tell you feel as much chemistry as I do. And yet, every time there's a chance to maybe explore a bit further than friendship, you pull away."

Dirk looked away and blushed.

"I'm quite content to have a best friend for the first time in my life Todd. I'd rather not jeopardise that."

Todd paused to consider this. It had occurred to him, but it just didn't fit somehow.

"I don't think that's it." He decided. "I mean, I get it - and yeah that's always a risk but ... we've been through life and death situations together, I know you're not afraid to take risks if you believe in what you're doing."

Dirk started cutting up the tomatoes but stopped when it became evident that his hands were shaking too much for it to be effective.

"Hey - what is it? You can talk to me you know" Todd said taking his hands and turning Dirk to look at him, which he conspicuously avoided doing.

"You're right, I do have feelings for you Todd." he said sadly, but Todd still felt his heart skip a beat at the words. "I just... don't think it would be fair. No that's not it...I don't think you quite... _realise_... what you'd be getting."

Todd tried to work out what he meant by this but came up blank.

"What do you mean?" he asked again, patiently. "Hey - you're shaking - let's go sit down" he observed, guiding him to the sofa.

"You deserve to know..." Dirk muttered to himself "I suppose you... you _have_ to know."

Todd took his hand encouragingly and as Dirk looked at it, a tear ran down his cheek.

"One of the experiments at Blackwing was outdoors, they had acres of land within a perimeter fence, woodland mostly. They gave me a headstart and then Mr. Priest would chase after me, and they'd time how long I managed to evade capture for. He...he was a psychopath Todd..." Dirk said, breath catching slightly as he looked at Todd with wide-eyed fear.

Todd gave his hand a squeeze in support. "I remember." he answered, thinking back to the Cardenas case, how petrified Dirk had been, how easily Priest had dispatched Farah, how much he laughed at their terror.

"He always caught me, _easily_. They gave him weapons, Todd - I would be running and he'd throw a knife in my leg or shoot me or taser me just to get me to stop... it was always something different...once he used a bloody bow and arrow..."

Todd felt himself shaking from the anger he felt at Blackwing, and the empathy he felt for Dirk's fear.

"...and then... when he caught up with me..." Dirk swallowed.

"You're doing great" Todd said quietly, unobtrusively.

"When he caught up with me and it was just me and him and no cameras watching..." Dirk's voice was scarcely above a whisper, shaking with terror.

"...he would r-rape me-" Dirk said before jumping up and dashing for the bathroom where he threw up violently into the toilet.

Todd instinctively ran after him and rubbed circles on his back, getting him a cup of water from the sink, all the while trying to stop himself going into shock at Dirk's admission. He had to be strong, just for a little while, no matter how sick he felt, no matter how badly he wanted to go shout and cry and _scream_ at the universe for ever letting something like that happen to the person he loved.

Dirk flushed the toilet shakily and sat back, looking pale with red-rimmed eyes, tears streaming unchecked.

Todd pulled him into a hug, holding as protectively as though he could shield Dirk from the pain of his past somehow.

"He said I wanted it but I didn't - I swear I didn't, I tried to fight back every time I just couldn't..."

"Hey it's ok I know you didn't want it, I _know_ Dirk, no matter what he said, I'm so fucking sorry you had to go through that, I'm so sorry. There's no way you could have done anything - it wasn't your fault, none of it was your fault ok?"

Todd didn't want to let go, ever. He couldn't bear the thought of exposing Dirk to a world that could hurt him as much as it had, that seemed determined to make him suffer.

"You...you don't...think I'm disgusting?" Dirk asked, finding that Todd was holding him tightly and seemed reluctant to let go.

"No, Dirk, of course not." Todd said, incredulously. "You're beautiful, perfect. And incredibly brave for telling me all that, and for coming out of it the kind of person you are despite all the shit you've been through. Priest should burn in hell for fucking eternity."

"You really... you don't mind touching me even though you know what he did?" Dirk asked confused and Todd wasn't sure his heart could take any more strain.

"God Dirk..." he said, unable to stop the tears once they started. He shook his head and held tighter. "I wish you'd never had to go through that. I wish I could take all the pain away. But don't you know by now that I love you? That's not going to change... no matter what those bastards did to you it's not going to change."

He pulled back enough to meet Dirk's eyes as he said emphatically "You have nothing to be ashamed of, there was _nothing_ you could have done. Do you understand?"

Dirk tentatively nodded and leaned against Todd while Todd rubbed his arm and kissed his head comfortingly.

They sat there for what felt like a long time, until Todd said "Come on, let's make some tea"

"Thank you Todd. I love you too, you know."

Todd helped him up from the floor, not once losing contact, refusing to let go of him.

"Then I'm the luckiest person on earth." Todd said with a smile, and was rewarded with a genuine smile in return.


	36. Riggins vs Todd

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Colonel Riggins wants to talk to Dirk. 
> 
> Luckily Todd is on hand and doesn't let him get away with his gaslighting bullshit.

"It's from Colonel Riggins." Dirk said after he'd read through the letter they'd found on the agency floor.

His voice was devoid of life and colour, and from that alone Todd knew this was something that related to Blackwing.

"Who's that?" Todd asked, feeling the icy dread he always felt at the thought of Blackwing.

"He ran Blackwing for a while. He wants to see me, alone."

"Is he serious? Why the hell would you go see him at all, especially alone?" Todd exclaimed.

"I..." Dirk wavered guiltily. "I suppose I do... owe him."

"Owe him what?"

"For years he was the only person who treated me like a human being. And I know he only did it to manipulate me, but still, he was... _kind_ to me Todd."

"Kind how?"

"He talked to me sometimes." Dirk shrugged as though that was enough.

"Is that it?" Todd scoffed.

"You only say that because you have no idea how lonely and _boring_ Blackwing is." Dirk admonished, and Todd sighed a little. "But he did other things too. He gave me books to read sometimes if I'd done well in the tests. And he managed to persuade the guards to let me sleep without restraints..."

Todd shook his head in disbelief.

"Just because he treated you slightly... _slightly_ less like shit than everyone else doesn't mean you owe him anything Dirk." Todd said with frustration, which was met by worry and confusion on Dirk's side. "How many years did you spend in that place?"

"They took me when I was 8 and I escaped when I was 17."

Todd paled "Fuck... nine fucking years?! Where they treated you like a lab rat and did god knows what to you and made you sleep in fucking restraints and experimented on you- and you were a little kid, god Dirk..."

Dirk had flushed red at this description of his childhood and looked down at the letter, which Todd noticed he was now gripping so tightly his hands were shaking.

"I'm sorry" Todd said suddenly, feeling that he was being an insensitive asshole as usual. "I didn't mean to ... upset you." he finished awkwardly. "I just had no idea how much of your life you spent in that shithole."

Dirk took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

"Look," Todd continued. "It's your decision." he said reluctantly. "But you gotta know how much Farah and I would do to keep you from going back to that place right? We can't just let you walk into a trap or an ambush."

Dirk slowly sat down on the floor, right in the middle of the agency, and Todd followed him. He held a hand out and Dirk gave him the letter to read. Todd knew that the more upset Dirk was, the quieter he got, until he became totally silent like he was now.

He read the letter with disgust and then set it down before turning to watch his friend. The detective looked miserable, he had that look of being lost and alone that always broke Todd's heart, as he stared into the distance. Todd took his hand to make sure he knew he wasn't alone.

That got Dirk's attention and he looked at Todd for a moment.

"I... I don't want to go." Dirk said eventually, quietly.

Todd breathed out a sigh of relief. "Then we won't go."

\------------

Todd patted his front pockets, then his back pockets just to check- but he already knew, he'd left his wallet back at the office. Damn it. With a sigh he turned back. As he approached he frowned as he noticed a black jeep parked in front of the agency that hadn't been there when he left.

He went up cautiously, and froze as he heard the voice of a man he didn't know talking to Dirk.

"Still playing Detective, Svlad? Sorry, I mean...Dirk."

"What are you doing here? Just...get out! I don't want to talk to you." Dirk sounded angry and scared at the same time.

It had to be Colonel Riggins. If Riggins had a gun, or back up, Todd's only hope would be the element of surprise. Todd put his brass knuckles on in preparation - he wasn't letting them take Dirk without a fight. He listened to see how many there were.

"What if I want to talk to you? I wanted to know how you're getting on. Last time we spoke you told me you had friends. Where are they all? Where is the extremely capable Miss Black for instance?"

Dirk remained silent.

"Oh that's right, she's in hospital. And your new friends, Sheriff Hobbs and Tina Tevetino - they're in hospital too aren't they? But I understand Todd Brotzman managed to escape with his life...just. So there is that."

Todd remembered what Dirk had said in Wendimoor...his fixation with the idea that he was the cause of all the pain and death around him - and realised with a flash of understanding that Riggins wasn't preying on Dirk's fears, he was the _originator_ of them. He was the one who had planted these ideas in Dirk's head in the first place, as a way of manipulating him.

When Dirk had said he deserved to go back to Blackwing, that was exactly the result Riggins had been calculating on.

"And you managed to get shot in the leg."

"Shot by _your_ boss!" Dirk pointed out irately.

Todd was proud of Dirk for arguing back as he stood out of sight, ready and in suspense.

"When are you going to stop pretending Dirk, you can't help people, you only hurt them."

"No. You're wrong. I help people be where they're supposed to be. That's my role - I... I'm _not_ dangerous! That's just a lie you told me as a child to manipulate me."

"Dirk, your own mother was scared of you for christ's sake! She _begged_ us to take you off her hands because you terrified her. If your own mother doesn't know what you are, who does? And if she couldn't love you, well.."

Todd clenched his fists in rage - how dare this man suggest that his best friend, who radiated light and warmth, was _unlovable_?! How dare he try to upset him and bring up old wounds as though he had any right?

"Why are you doing this?" Dirk asked softly.

"The same reason as always - to protect you. Don't you remember the first time you left Blackwing? You slept in a dumpster for a month and ended up in hospital after _your rat bites_ got infected"

Todd's eyes widened at that. He'd had no idea just how rough Dirk's life had been outside Blackwing. Dirk never spoke about it. He hadn't even known that Dirk had lived on the streets...he really hadn't ever had anyone or anything to support him, Todd reflected with an aching sadness on his friend's behalf. But he did now.

"Yes, and it was _still_ better than being locked away in a prison that experimented on me and tortured me for years" Dirk retorted.

"The _second_ month out of Blackwing and you got on a subway in Madrid, and 15 people were killed. Innocent people Dirk-"

"That wasn't my fault!" Dirk shouted.

"It never is, is it?!" Colonel Riggins shouted back, and Todd couldn't tell if he was an excellent actor, or if he really believed what he was saying.

Dirk didn't reply to that and Todd couldn't see his expression, but the next words by Riggins were softer, sympathetic in tone.

"Look, I know you didn't mean for anyone to get hurt. I know you don't _want_ any innocent people to get killed. I know it's unfair. But if you really _care_ about your friends - if you really want to keep them safe, come with me."

"You seriously want me to go with you..." Dirk said so quietly Todd almost couldn't hear it, "...to a place where you literally _electrocute_ me, waterboard me, beat me, starve me and test me over and over and over again just to tell me how WRONG I am - voluntarily?" Dirk was getting louder and angrier as he went on. Todd felt almost sick with rage and shock at these revelations.

He thought about how Dirk had been just after getting out of Blackwing - depressed and withdrawn - and it hadn't taken long before Todd just snapped at him and stormed off. He'd had a lot on his mind in Wendimoor but still, he'd been too hard on his friend, too easily forgot that he'd literally just escaped from a military prison. He made a note to be more supportive, try to talk to Dirk about some of this stuff.

"We wouldn't have had to if you'd only tried a little _harder-_ "

"Tried-! You really still don't get it do you? I was a _child_ \- and you - you were the closest thing I had to... well, anything. The only one who paid me any kind of attention at all. I would have done _anything_ to make you proud of me. Anything. But nothing was ever good enough. It just _doesn't work like that_ \- how many times do I have to tell you before you believe me?"

It was Riggins' turn to be speechless. After a moment he said:

"You've grown to be very _disrespectful_ Icarus and I don't like it."

"I'm not a child any more, and you can't send Mr. Priest in to do your dirty work for you..."

There was a brief scrabbling noise and Dirk said in a more panicked voice "No! Get away from me!"

This was enough to move Todd into action. No way was Riggins laying a hand on Dirk, who still had a healing bullet wound in his leg.

"Hey!" he said and as soon as Riggins turned around, he punched him as hard as he could in the face. The Colonel reeled from the hit, putting a hand up to his broken cheekbone.

"Dirk told you to leave now get the hell out of here." Todd said, moving to stand between Dirk and the Colonel. "And don't even think about coming back"

"It's all right. I was just leaving." he turned to Dirk with a small, arrogant smile. "I know you Svlad. I know you'll mess this up, and sooner or later you'll come back home. You deserve to be locked up for all the innocent lives you've ruined and deep down, I know you recognise that. It's just a matter of time"

"Get the FUCK out of here!" Todd shouted, taking a step forward, and the Colonel sent one last parting look at Dirk before leaving.

Todd was shaking with rage as he watched Riggins leave, followed him to make sure he went down the stairs and peered out the window to watch the car go too. He took a deep breath, letting his anger go with Riggins so he could focus on Dirk.

When he turned back to the room he found him, after a quick search, huddled under his desk, arms round legs, his breathing too rapid and shallow. He was muttering to himself in panic

"I shouted at Colonel Riggins...I'm going to be in so much trouble, I'm always in trouble why am I so bad? Wrong wrong wrong... they'll send Mr Priest why am I so wrong.."

"Hey! Hey...Dirk, breathe ok?"

What Todd wouldn't have given to take all of this pain away from Dirk. He thought of how his friend had been just that morning, his naturally sunny disposition cheering Todd up effortlessly. The contrast between then and now made Todd loathe Blackwing with a passion he hadn't felt with anything before. He wanted to rip them to shreds.

He sat down and put a hand on Dirk's knee but Dirk somehow managed to make himself smaller, recoiled far enough so they weren't touching.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I'm sorry"

"Didn't mean to what?"

"Touch you"

"Dirk, _I_ touched _you_..." Todd said with sorrow, feeling hopelessly out of his depth.

Dirk looked confused by this, and his attempt to make sense of that confusion seemed to bring him round slightly.

"You touched me..." Dirk said, as though thinking out loud "Because you're my friend. You're allowed to touch me and I'm...I'm allowed to touch you. So that's ok."

Todd swallowed down an instinct to cry at Dirk reasoning his way through this.

He thought of Dirk as a child in the 'care' of that man. The cold, psychologically abusive colonel who Dirk had described as the kindest of all his guardians growing up... and how hard it must have been for Dirk to stand up to him, to go against over a decade of conditioning. The courage it had taken was so great an effort that the second he let it go it threw him straight into a panic attack.

"You did good Dirk. I'm proud of you." he said quietly. "You did good."

"You... _punched_ him Todd" Dirk said in a dazed surprise.

"He deserved it." Todd said with zero regret.

Todd could see the effect of shock setting in as Dirk started shivering so he helped him up and to the sofa and wrapped a blanket round him. His arms stayed with the blanket, wrapped round his friend for a little while, as Dirk eventually stopped shaking.

"Don't believe any of his bullshit Dirk. You belong here, with us. In your agency. You got that?"

Dirk nodded.

Todd breathed out and said quietly "I didn't know how bad things had been for you."

Dirk looked at him curiously.

"What I heard that asshole say to you about...about your mom and, about living on the street. I didn't know about that. I didn't know they tortured you either. Your life has been...fucking awful Dirk."

Dirk shrugged slightly but still said nothing, clutching the edge of the blanket

"I'm really sorry you had to go through that. You didn't deserve any of it."

"It wasn't all bad." Dirk attempted a quiet defence. "I mean, quite a _lot_ of it was a kind of hellish nightmare but... there were definitely some not-so-terrible parts intermingled with the let's-not-do-that-ever-again parts. I prefer to focus on the more positive aspects."

"I've noticed. Fuck knows how you do it but ...yeah." Todd would never cease to be amazed by Dirk's astonishing resilience to the horrifying, depressing things in his life. That reminded him of something else he needed to say.

"And hey - I'm sorry I yelled at you...in Wendimoor. You had every right to be kind of...fucked up just after coming out of Blackwing for two months and I wasn't very...supportive."

"You were trying to save your sister and I was wallowing in self-pity. You don't need to apologise Todd. _"_

"Don't be so hard on yourself Dirk, I don't know that I could deal with half the things you've been through. It's ok to feel angry and sad and whatever else at all that shit."

"Perhaps, but not in the middle of a case." Dirk said as though he'd stated a fundamental truth. Todd decided to address his priorities on that some other time. "Anyway, thank you for being here Todd. Your best friending skills are second to none."

Todd smiled, recognising Dirk's signal that he wanted to talk about lighter things now. "Tea?"

"Tea." Dirk agreed.


	37. Coffee and Cinnamon Rolls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Todd gets mad and snaps at Dirk, who seems to just absorb it. When he sees Dirk interacting with a stranger he compares his own behaviour to Dirk's and realises that his kind best friend with a history of being abused deserves better, and he determines to improve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Watching S2 ep 8 again and struck by two things:   
> 1\. Todd is such an asshole when he gets angry, seriously. I mean, the S1 monster-gate is bad enough, but in S2 when he says something sarcastic along the lines of "I'm sorry Blackwing didn't teach you how friendship works" - after Dirk just had a minor emotional breakdown due to Blackwing's brainwashing... not cool Todd. Not. Cool.   
> 2\. Dirk feels that he is a 'rude, violent' man after being mean to Beast but, he wasn't mean to her at all, and after hitting Martin (the first time he'd ever hit anyone) and apologising profusely (even though the 4 of them were threatening him and clearly deserved it) it just struck me how much of a cinnamon roll Dirk really is. He really IS just too sweet and adorable for this world <3

"WHO CARES?!" Todd yelled. "WHO CARES ABOUT A _STUPID_ PEN!"

It was 8:30am, and Todd was not a morning person. He had gone to bed after an attack, woken up miserable with a headache, had listened to Dirk talk about the case for about 10 minutes non-stop and he'd just had enough.

Not only that but he kept talking about the pen he'd found at the crime scene, apparently sure it was a _thing..._ but of all the bizarre and puzzling items at the crime scene, Todd felt equally sure that the pen Dirk was fixated on was by far the least interesting.

The crime scene had included a bra made out of solid silver, an unusual quantity of glow-in the dark spraypaint, and a 3D printed model of a rhino's intestinal tract, among many other things, but Dirk had passed over all of those in favour of a _pen._ And now he wouldn't shut up about it, at 8:30 in the morning.

"Just PLEASE stop talking it's early, I have a headache, I'm so...so tired of this stupid weather and the stupid case and the stupid pen and oh my _god_ I hate mornings."

Dirk looked at him in surprise at first, then in sympathy.

"Sorry." Dirk said quietly. He opened his mouth to say something else but stopped himself.

"And I still think you're _wrong_." he said, voice still raised in irritation.

Dirk flinched slightly at that but Todd was too worked up to stop.

"It's just a _pen_ for christ's sake. And you won't shut up about it. I mean good god, it's no _wonder_ you never had any friends"

Dirk looked so taken aback by that that Todd realised he might have gone too far and backtracked.

"Sorry, I - I'm just _really_ tired." he said, rubbing his face with his hands. Dirk nodded with understanding.

"Why don't I go and get some breakfast from the bakery and give you some space?" Dirk said with a reassuring smile that said he wasn't angry or upset and grabbed his jacket.

After he'd left Todd let out a deep sigh. 

He took some painkillers and stuck his head out the window to breathe in the fresh air. His face was still hot from the exertion of yelling and getting so riled up and the cool air was a relief. He saw Dirk exit the building down below, walking with his head down and shoulders slumped. Damnit, he'd hurt his feelings... not only that, but Dirk had hidden it so Todd wouldn't feel guilty. 

Which only made him feel twice as guilty. Why was he such an asshole when he got angry?

Because he wasn't looking where he was going, Dirk walked straight into a guy carrying a Starbucks tray of 4 coffees, and all the coffee seemed to end up on the stranger rather than on Dirk.

"I am _so_ sorry, that was completely my fault" Dirk apologised instantly.

"Look where the fuck you're going asshole!" the stranger said, arms out as he looked down at himself, dripping with coffee.

"I really am ever so sorry - perhaps I could buy you a replacement? For the coffees...and the shirt?" Dirk asked sheepishly.

"You're foreign aren't you, what are you, Australian?"

"I'm from England." Dirk said with the same pride he always used when announcing his name, nationality or profession.

He took out a tissue from a pocket and attempted to assist with the coffee stain on the guy's shirt, getting well into his personal space. That clearly made the guy uncomfortable and he shoved Dirk away from him.

"Get the fuck off me you fucking limey faggot!" the man snapped.

Todd tensed, furious at Dirk being spoken to that way, and feeling that Dirk was in real danger at the way this was escalating.

Dirk looked at the man with a frown of puzzlement rather than anger, and then said calmly:

"Listen...I may be overstepping my bounds here, as a complete and total stranger that is, but I sense that this may be about more than the coffee so I was just wondering... is everything...ok?"

The man looked like he wanted to punch Dirk in the face, and Todd felt enough was enough, as he raced down the stairs.

By the time he got downstairs, out the doors and the few metres to Dirk's position, somehow the situation had changed to the point where the stranger was sobbing into Dirk's shoulder, mumbling barely coherent words about his girlfriend thinking he was a loser and being sure that he was about to be fired.

Dirk was comforting him with some frank but sympathetic advice including "I notice you get angry rather quickly, could that be part of the problem?" to which the man nodded and sobbed even louder.

"Oh, hello Todd. Todd this is Marcus. Marcus is a sales manager at a glass factory who is having an unusually bad day and on whom I spilt rather a lot of coffee."

He turned to Marcus. "This is my best friend Todd. Why don't you get acquainted while I go and get coffee and breakfast?"

"No no, I better get going but thanks Dirk, I'll try following your advice. I'm sorry I yelled at you before"

"It's quite all right." Dirk said sunnily as he helped Marcus up from the step they were sitting on.

Todd looked at Dirk and saw that he was genuinely, perfectly happy with the way all that had just gone down. He shook his head slightly in disbelief.

Marcus turned to him with a distracted "Hi"

"Hi. Talk to Dirk that way again and I'll fucking kick your ass, just..." Todd shrugged. "...so you know."

Marcus didn't seem to have heard him as he just nodded vaguely and said "Yeah, you too, I gotta get to work." and then walked off.

Dirk had though and admonished him lightly with a "Todd!"

"I heard what he said to you - I was watching from the window. I totally stand by what I said" Todd explained.

Dirk shrugged slightly in acceptance of this.

Todd sighed, looking at him guiltily. "Dirk I'm...I'm so fucking sorry about what I said earlier. I just... shit comes out when I'm angry and I don't know why but I didn't mean it, I swear."

"Didn't mean...what?" Dirk asked cautiously.

"When I said..." Todd swallowed, not keen to repeat it "What I said about you not having friends before...that was a really shitty and unfair...and _untrue_ thing to say. You're the best person I know, you deserve to have as many friends as you want, and way, way better ones than me."

"It's all right Todd, I know I can be... annoying. More than annoying really. The fact that you stick around despite that is-"

"No, Dirk, No."

"Pardon..?" Dirk asked confused

"No. Just - No. You're not hard to be around, I am. I'm not letting you blame yourself for me being a massive jerk. "

"You're not a-"

"I know you don't like it when I call myself that but... as much as I'm trying not to be an asshole, sometimes I still act like one. And me, and Marcus, and everyone else- we don't have a right to treat you like that. And you shouldn't just - accept it the way you do. As though it's ok. It's not ok."

Dirk looked thoughtful. He nearly said something and then relapsed into thoughtful silence.

After a little while he said "Shall we go and get breakfast?"

"Yeah. Let's do that." Todd agreed.

As they walked along Dirk said "It's just...normal. To me. People talking to me that way I mean."

Todd felt his heart ache. "That's exactly what bothers me."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm scared, Dirk. Really, really scared of ...treating you like shit and you letting me get away with it because that's what you're used to. I don't want to be like Blackwing"

"You're nothing like Blackwing." Dirk said with certainty.

"Aren't I though?" Todd questioned, stopping and turning to him.

"Todd. You are _nothing_ like Blackwing. You haven't electrocuted me _once_ since I've known you. Nor have you imprisoned me or treated me like your personal magic 8 ball. Trust me Todd, if you were anything like Blackwing I wouldn't be here. You're my best friend and yes we argue from time to time but - that's just a normal friend thing...probably. Anyway, I give as good as I get."

"Oh yeah? When's the last time you said something even slightly unkind to me let alone outright cruel?"

Dirk hesitated, thinking. After a few moments Todd was on the verge of declaring victory when Dirk blurted out:

"I don't like your t-shirt."

Todd looked at him a moment and then burst out laughing.

"It's...too plain. And it's the wrong colour - you should wear colours that complement your complexion and your eyes, blues, greens, that sort of thing."

"I'll bear that in mind." Todd replied drily. "Seriously though, Dirk, you're just proving my point."

"What IS your point Todd, that you want me to be horrible to you?"

"No, it's that I don't deserve to have you as a friend, and I don't deserve to have Amanda as a sister. But since I do have you both - I'm going to keep trying to ...to step up. Until I do deserve you. I think...I'm going to see a therapist."

"Oh well I suppose that _is_ what you Americans do isn't it?"

"Racist." Todd deadpanned.

"Cultural observation." Dirk retorted. "If you think it will help then you have my support. But I want you to remember something Todd."

"What?"

"You have literally saved my life more times than I can count. Well I probably could count them, but I've lost count is what I mean. I _can_ count though." he shook his head trying to get back on track

"What I mean is- yes sometimes what you say when you're angry is a little...harsh. But that's not all there is. You also say incredibly kind things, things no one has ever said to me before. And you're there for me when I need you, whether it's on a case or as a friend, and go out of your way to try and ... _protect_ me I suppose. No one's ever..." he shook his head, blushing slightly and took a breath.

"The fact that you feel bad right now just proves that you care. You don't have to be perfect, Todd. You're my friend, all of you, the good and the bad. And I hope you feel the same way about me because I am a very, very long way from perfect."

"You're a hell of a lot closer than I am."

"Nonsense. I talk far, far too much which always annoys everyone, the amount of things I don't know is really quite incredible, I get so obsessed with cases that I forget everything else, I have a terrible habit of-"

"Dirk, I get the point." Todd interrupted. "And yeah - I'm friends with all of you too. So if you yell at me once in a while or call me out on my bullshit I'm not going to stop being your best friend."

"Good." Dirk said happily. "And Todd.."

"Yeah?"

"I won't mention it again, but I just want to point out... I'm not wrong about the pen."

Todd laughed slightly. "Come on, I need more caffeine before we go there."

\-------------

A few days later Dirk gave Todd a significant look without saying anything at all. Todd caved.

"Ok I get it! The pen was important."

"It was _critical_ Todd."

"Yes, it was. Now let's never mention it again!"

Dirk just beamed at him and Todd shook his head in mock irritation.

"We did it! We solved the case!" Dirk announced. 

"Yeah you mentioned that once or twice..." Todd muttered but couldn't keep the smile off his face.


	38. Sleeptalking Tragedy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One evening, falling asleep in front of the TV, Dirk starts talking in his sleep. Only after it's too late do the boys realise the tragedy being predicted...
> 
> Todd's initial reaction is the same reaction Dirk's always had at times like this. It's Dirk's fault - he should have stopped it. Dirk agrees with him. 
> 
> But Amanda talks sense into Todd early enough for Todd to support Dirk as he struggles to heal some of the harmful psychological scars Blackwing left on him, not to mention the physical ones.
> 
> Warning: self-harm, child abuse

Dirk had fallen asleep while they were watching TV, which was not unusual. He was talking in his sleep, which from what Dirk had told him, was also not unusual - although Todd had never witnessed it first hand before now.

"Red car...the red car and the lorry...red car, red light, red blood....red car, red light, red blood..."

Todd glanced at him, trying not to be creeped out.

"Red light, it's a red light STOP STOP STOP!" Dirk woke up suddenly, making Todd jump

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry...it's bad...something bad's going to happen..." he said in a slight panic and Todd put a hand on his arm.

"Hey, it's ok- you had a nightmare but it's ok."

Dirk took a deep breath, still looking worried.

"You were talking in your sleep, something about a ...red car?"

Dirk frowned. "I don't know...it's all...jumbled up somehow. I just have a bad feeling...but it's hard to make out"

"I'm sure whatever it is will come to us sooner or later, if it's a new case or something. Why don't we call it a night and see if we can figure out more tomorrow?"

Dirk sighed again and nodded.

\---------------------

It was about 11am the next morning when Todd got the call. His father had been in a car accident and had been taken to hospital. They went straight there and spoke to Todd's mother, who was strangely calm the way people often are at moments of real crisis.

She told Todd what had happened. A lorry had gone through a red light, Todd's father had smashed straight into it. The outlook wasn't good, they had him in an induced coma. They sat around his bedside. Amanda arrived after half an hour and joined them, and Dirk fetched them all drinks before discreetly leaving them to wait in the waiting room.

After an hour there was a bit of commotion and a doctor and nurse rushed into the room. Todd's father had slipped away.

It was so sudden, they were in a state of shock, and stayed in the room for half an hour or so trying to comfort each other but they each still felt shell-shocked as they finally left to rejoin Dirk in the waiting room.

While their mother filled out some paperwork, Todd and Amanda agreed that Amanda would call a taxi and take their mother home and Todd would call in the next day.

Dirk and Todd walked out of the hospital, followed by Amanda as she tried to find a suitable place to call for a cab.

Almost as soon as they hit fresh air Todd wheeled round on Dirk, furiously. 

"You KNEW this was going to happen! You knew! Why didn't you stop it?!" he said, voice shaking with emotion.

"What?" Amanda said, looking at them in surprise.

"Dirk had a _premonition_ that this would happen, yesterday evening, he saw it happen!"

Amanda looked at Dirk with puzzlement.

"I didn't know this was going to happen Todd it was...just images...I couldn't - don't you think I would have stopped it if I could?" Dirk objected desperately.

Todd shoved Dirk backwards to the hospital wall and shouted at him "You COULD have stopped it Dirk! If you didn't spend so much time pretending you're not psychic maybe you could have prevented this - maybe my dad would still be alive right now!"

He took Dirk by the shoulders and started shaking him "You were supposed to save him, you were supposed to SAVE HIM"

"STOP IT!" Amanda cut in between them, giving Todd a shove away from Dirk and glaring at her brother. "Cut it out Todd! I know you're hurting, and you're angry, but you have _no right_ to take it out on Dirk. What happened wasn't his fault so just SHUT THE HELL UP"

She pushed him another step away, and then said in a low tone that only Todd could hear "You're hurting him, and I won't let you. He's been hurt enough already."

Todd looked at the serious expression in his sister's eyes, red-rimmed with her own grief. Then at Dirk who stood pressed against the wall literally trembling with fear and distress, eyes closed.

"You're not angry at Dirk you're angry because shit happens and there’s nothing you can do about it. I get it, I do. But you're just making it worse" She added calmly.

Todd looked at the ground and took a couple of deep breaths. Amanda rubbed his arm supportively. He looked up to where Dirk had been standing, but he'd gone.

"What did you mean..." he said turning back to Amanda. "When you said he'd been hurt enough already?"

"You know these past few months me and the guys have been tracking down other Blackwing subjects? Well let's just say I've learned a _lot_ about what went down there and it's not good Todd. It's really fucking not good. And Dirk was there longer than anyone."

She sighed. "I probably shouldn't be telling you this except I think you should know just how much pain and trauma Dirk is hiding under all the upbeat eccentricity. I just think he deserves to feel safe for once in his life. Please just...don't hurt him ok?"

Todd took a few calming breaths and ran his hands over his face.

"He had a dream about it Amanda. He saw...something to do with the accident."

"You know as well as I do that Dirk would have done _anything_ to save Dad- _this isn't his fault._ The universe just likes to fuck with us."

Todd sighed and nodded.

"I'm going to take Mom home- please, please don't let Dirk think this was his fault. Go and fix this."

She pulled him into a tight hug and then went back inside.

Todd knew he could call a taxi but it was only a 20 minute walk, so he walked back to their apartment.

\-------

The walk did him good. He wanted someone to blame...it was so much easier than accepting a stupid accident had killed his father... but he knew his sister was right, annoyingly, she usually was. Just because Dirk had sensed something bad coming didn't mean he could have stopped it.

"Dirk are you here? ...I need to talk to you. It's important" Todd said as he entered their apartment.

"Just a moment" Dirk called from the bathroom, sounding a little flurried. A minute later he emerged, looking pale and miserable. He was avoiding looking at Todd, seemed to be expecting more shouting, and Todd felt horrible.

Todd knew Dirk would be upset but he was still slightly startled by his appearance, his hair was dishevelled, he was wearing a dark grey hoodie, and it was obvious he'd been crying. Something about his body language reminded Todd powerfully of the Cardenas case, the way he'd been in those first few weeks back from Blackwing. Withdrawn, fading into the background instead of lighting everything around him with his radiance and warmth.

"I understand if you want me to leave." Dirk said quietly.

"No" Todd said, snapping himself out of his reminiscence. "No Dirk I...I'm sorry. For earlier...for shouting at you and pushing you and for...for what I said. I had no right to say that. It wasn't your fault."

"I failed you Todd. If only I wasn't so useless, if only I could make sense of all these...confusing messages the universe sends me - I should have been able to save your father. What's the use of being psychic if I can't-"

"You're not psychic. And that's not how it works." Todd said gently.

Dirk choked back a sob.

"Is that...blood?" Todd said in alarm, seeing a trail of blood running down Dirk's left hand and drip onto the floor.

"It's nothing, I just need to... " Dirk mumbled something incoherent as he backed up towards the bathroom, but Todd followed him in and had him effectively cornered by the bathtub.

He took Dirk's arm and pulled the sleeve up to inspect it, ignoring the way Dirk tried to pull back.

There was a bandage his lower arm, not very well applied, and blood was seeping through and out of it

"What happened?" he undid the bandage and saw two fresh, still bleeding cuts which formed an X. "Shit..." he muttered, getting the first aid kit and doing the bandage again but tighter and more carefully.

Dirk watched him in astonishment and said disbelievingly: "How can you even stand to look at me Todd? Your father _died_ because of me, because I _failed_...I should have been better I should have -"

"Dirk-" Todd interrupted, looking up at him and for the first time saw in his friend the real depth of the pain he usually hid so well. The trauma Blackwing had left behind, still so deeply embedded, and he asked, somewhat incredulously "did you...do this to yourself?"

Dirk looked down at the floor and a couple of tears escaped. "I failed" he whispered.

Todd felt like everything stopped: his heart, his breathing, time.

It was too much for Todd. He'd had the shittest day of his life and had no idea how there were even any tears left in him, but he couldn't stop them now as he cried out "Oh god, Dirk..."

He put his hand to his mouth, unable to speak, but then just pulled Dirk into a hug and held him tightly. Amanda was right. Dirk hid it so well, buried it so deep, Todd had been fooled into thinking what had happened to him couldn't have been that bad. But his bright, quirky best friend had just taken a knife to his own arm to punish himself for something he had no control over.

When he'd recovered his use of language he said hoarsely,

"You didn't fail Dirk, I promise"

"I'm so, _so_ sorry" Dirk said desperately.

"It's not your fault ok?" Todd held him by the shoulders and looked him in the eyes. "It's not your fault."

Dirk just looked away and Todd sighed, wishing he knew how to convince him, and pulled him back into a hug.

After a while Dirk pulled away and said earnestly "Todd, Todd - it's time to take your medication"

Todd looked at the clock and saw that it was indeed time.

"Why don't I order in something to eat?" Dirk suggested, looking worriedly at Todd, who looked shattered. Todd nodded, taking his tablets as Dirk went to order pizza.

After dinner they were both exhausted and wanted nothing more than an early night.

"Dirk, we'll talk more about this tomorrow but I need you to promise me, _promise_ me that you won't hurt yourself again. Ever."

A confusion of emotions crossed Dirk's face but he nodded.

"Ok?" Todd confirmed, wanting to be sure.

"Ok." Dirk agreed quietly.

Todd let out a sigh of relief. "Ok good. I think we both need some sleep, it's been a long day."

Emotions are exhausting, and they both slept deeply

\-------------

Todd got up late the next day, and as he made his way to the kitchen, it was obvious to him that Dirk was slightly afraid of him, and trying very hard to hide it. In fact, it was how hard he was trying that made it so apparent to Todd.

He yawned and practically downed a coffee, made himself some cereal and a second cup, while Dirk made a cup of tea.

"Do you want me to drive you to your mum's house this afternoon?" Dirk offered while they finished their respective beverages.

"Yeah, that would be good, thanks."

Todd steeled himself, and then started the conversation he knew Dirk was afraid of having.

"Dirk...why did you do that?" Todd asked quietly, staring at Dirk's arm even though the X shaped cut he knew was there was currently hidden by Dirk's jacket, the blue one.

Dirk blushed. "Let's not make all this about me, Todd. Right now you need to be with your family. We can worry about all that...other stuff...later."

"Dirk, I...I can't think about my dad right now. It's too soon, too...raw. Anyway there's nothing I can do about that now, I just... I need to understand Dirk, I need to know why you would do something like that - I need to understand enough so I can trust you when you say you won't do it again because..." Todd took a deep breath, "..because I couldn't protect my dad but there's still a chance I can protect you. And you _are_ family Dirk. To me you're family."

Dirk looked at the floor and wiped a tear away. He was trembling slightly and Todd took his shoulders and waited for him to look at him.

"Help me understand." he said softly.

"I...I need to, show you something." Dirk said very quietly. "It might explain why I did...what I did."

He took a step back so that he could take his jacket off, and put it on the sofa. Then he started undoing his shirt buttons with trembling fingers. After what seemed like an eternity, he took his shirt off and Todd's eyes widened at what he saw underneath.

There were Xs haphazardly carved into Dirk's torso, and Todd could tell they extended all the way round to his back. They were old scars but they stood out violently against Dirk's pale skin.

"Did...did you do those?" Todd asked hesitantly.

Dirk shook his head in the negative.

"Blackwing?"

"It's not the first time I've failed to see something that could have saved someone's life. Whenever I failed so badly that someone, or even lots of people...ended up dead because of me, Mr Priest carved an X into me so I would never forget it."

Todd felt a kind of raw anger, an actual _hatred_ for Priest and Blackwing in that moment, that was greater than any anger he'd ever felt before.

"But as you can tell, I never really got any better at it" Dirk murmured with a small shrug. Todd tried to count the Xs but it was difficult, they were overlapping, some scars were fainter than others, and they were not in any order. Still, there had to be around 15-20 that Todd could see.

"So that's why I did it" Dirk said looking extremely self-conscious.

"I'm still not sure I understand" Todd admitted.

"It felt like the right thing to do...I just...I felt so _angry_ at myself. I…I don’t _understand,”_ Dirk rubbed his face and sighed in frustration. "I just don't understand why the universe makes me see things but won't tell me what they really _mean_. Why I can only get flashes of symbols or images out of sequence - if I can't do anything to stop it happening why does it show me at all? Maybe if I wasn’t so stupid and useless I could-"

“Hey!” Todd objected “You’re not stupid, or useless. And I’ve been your friend long enough to know that if the universe really wanted to save my dad, that’s what would have happened. You can’t help the connection you have and the things you see – and I know it must suck, but I know Dirk. I know you…and I _know_ that you would have done everything in your power to save my dad if you could have. Don’t buy into Blackwing’s toxic bullshit”

Dirk put his shirt back on and then the jacket.

“Blackwing never understood any of it. They wanted me to work a certain way and it just doesn’t… and I spent so long trying to get away from them, from the things they taught me and the way they made me feel but… “ he shook his head. “It’s hard sometimes. I guess, they did such a thorough job…”

He shook his head as though clearing the memories. “Not that I won’t keep trying anyway.” He added with his customary perseverance that Todd was always in awe of. “I’m sorry if I…freaked you out.”

“When I first got Pararibulitis my first thought was that I deserved it, after everything I’d done to hurt other people...like it was, karma, or something. But I've realised that …messing up is just part of being human. And it hurts…it hurts enough already…it doesn’t mean we deserve to suffer or be punished, we just have to try our best and do better next time. And you…”

Todd sighed. “You didn’t even mess up Dirk. There was nothing you could have done, nothing anyone could have done. But whether you fail or whether you _think_ you’ve failed or whatever – it doesn’t mean you deserve…pain. Don't ever hurt yourself. Ever. You didn’t deserve any of the shit Blackwing did to you. Do you understand?”

Dirk thought for a moment, looking distant and then nodded. "You're right" he said softly.

"Say it."

"What?"

"Say that you didn't deserve what Blackwing did to you."

Dirk looked startled by the request.

"I..." he swallowed. "I suppose ... when they electrocuted me for getting the wrong answer...I didn't deserve that."

Todd paled.

"And when they hurt me for getting something wrong or talking back or accidentally touching them or - or anything - I didn't deserve that either. I mean, I was only a child." Dirk seemed to be picking up momentum as Todd widened his eyes at the picture being painted of Dirk's childhood in Blackwing.

"And Mr Priest... I didn't deserve _anything_ he did to me." Dirk said with a shudder. "And when I got mad and smashed their stupid machine and they got _really_ mad and nearly killed me - I...didn't deserve that. And I didn't deserve the way they made me feel, like I was a huge disappointment, like I was a _thing,_ like I was stupid and worthless and...and unlovable." Dirk swallowed and looked down.

Todd put a hand on Dirk's arm in support, his heart breaking on his friend's behalf.

"Me, Farah, Amanda, Mona, we love you Dirk. I'm so fucking sorry for all the shit you've been through but anyone who wants to hurt you has to come through us now because it's enough. You've been through enough and we love you too much to see you get hurt again."

Todd realised he was echoing Amanda's words then and wondered how much she knew of what Dirk had just told him.

Dirk looked at him and then pulled him into a hug. They stayed that way for quite a while, each taking comfort in the presence of the other, feeling safe and loved in a way neither of them had for a long time.

Eventually they pulled back and found that just in that moment at least, they felt rather better.

"Why don't we buy some flowers for your mum, and then go and see her and Amanda?" Dirk suggested.

Todd agreed with a nod. "Good idea."

They put on their coats and walked out of the apartment, onto the road of recovery.


	39. Try Harder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt fill for Anon - I hope this works for you Anon :) I had fun writing Protective!Rowdies 
> 
> The prompt was essentially to have the Rowdies being protective of Dirk after hearing Todd being horrible to him. Todd's got some 'splainin to do. 
> 
> Also featuring: Protective!Amanda, CinnamonRoll!Dirk

"It's the Fosters. It has to be!" Todd said, annoyed that as usual, Dirk wasn't taking him seriously.

"I really don't think they are involved in all this" Dirk said, with aggravating certainty. "I'm sure if we just go to the quarry-"

"Everything is connected, Dirk" Todd pointed out, by now extremely irritated by the way they were going round in circles. They'd been arguing for about 15 minutes and time was of the essence.

"Well yes but-"

"Fine, if you don't want to come with me then I'll go alone." Todd went to storm off but then turned around. "How is it that we're only partners when it's convenient for you? I trust your judgement no matter how ridiculous it sounds, and follow you around on crazy universe hunches all the time, but the second _I_ need back up, you don't even care. You only listen to my opinion when it agrees with yours!" Todd ranted.

"I _am_ listening - I can't help it if I think that I'm definitely right and you're barking up _completely_ the wrong-" Dirk said truthfully.

"Look Dirk. We're supposed to be partners, we're supposed to be an agency! If you don't want to take this partnership or this agency seriously then maybe you should just go back to Blackwing! Then you won't have the _bother_ of dealing with friends because you won't _have_ any!"

Dirk froze.

Todd looked for his wallet, tablets, phone, and jacket to follow up on the lead with the Fosters, oblivious to the effect his words had just had. It took him some time to find his phone which had slid under a cushion at some point, which only made him more impatient.

Once he'd gathered everything up he opened the door, only to come face to face with Martin, standing in front of the Rowdies.

"Howdy." he said, before barging his way in, pushing Todd to one side effortlessly.

"Oh no.." Dirk said in a pained voice, backing into a corner and trying to shield himself with his arms in a futile gesture.

They advanced on Dirk with manacing slowness as he closed his eyes and tried to make himself as small as possible in the corner. Todd sighed in frustration. He didn't have time for this.

"Dirk, would you just tell them to leave you alone? Stop being such a coward."

Martin put a hand up to signal the others not to move, and they obeyed.

He turned around and faced Todd with a look of contemptuous amusement.

He pushed Todd against a wall with his baseball bat and looked at him curiously.

"Brit is many, many, things. But he ain't no coward." he said with dark certainty.

Todd was rather surprised by the turn of events, as, apparently, was Dirk, who watched them with bafflement.

"If you like him so much why do you keep attacking him?" Todd pointed out.

"If you like him so much, why are you calling him names? Thought you were s'posed to be his _friend._..?"

Out of the corner of his eye Todd saw Amanda standing in the corner, with her arms crossed, watching it all with calm interest.

"You know what's interesting to me?" Martin continued. "We come when we smell panic. Delicious gourmet panic. Now, usually that means our boy's in the _middle_ of something...some life or death situation..."

"Gunfight." Cross suggested.

"Chased by monsters" Gripps added.

"About to be thrown off a building" Vogel joined in.

"NOT... sitting around in his own agency with his best friend next to him. So question is...what did you do...to panic the boy so bad we could have smelled it from Florida?"

Todd's eyes widened. Amanda stood up straight, intrigued by this astute observation by Martin.

"N-nothing I..." he glanced at Dirk and swallowed. "That is...we did argue and I may have said some things, but...I'm sorry Dirk." he said sincerely, looking at him.

"What did you say to him?" Amanda pressed, barely suppressed anger evident in her voice.

"Nothing! I didn't mean it." Todd said, contradicting himself as he always did when he was under pressure.

"We ain't going nowhere til you tell us" Martin said, as relaxed as if he could happily stand there all week if he had to.

"I... I just said that if he didn't like it here, he should go back to ...to Blackwing" Todd ended on a small voice, suddenly aware of how fucked up what he'd said was.

Martin let out a breath and nodded. "I see." he turned away as though that were the end of it but then turned back to him quickly and punched him to the floor.

Todd stood up, rubbing his cheek in pain.

"Todd!" Dirk cried out in alarm, still effectively trapped by Gripps and Cross who had him cornered.

"Don't you feel sorry for him Dirk." Amanda said, shaking her head.

With a synchronicity that seemed to come out of nowhere, the Rowdies gathered around Todd and started taking his energy.

Todd hated the feeling. It was like his soul was being scraped out with sandpaper, both painful and deeply uncomfortable at the same time. Now he understood why Dirk hated it so much.

When they were done, Martin hauled him to his feet and shoved him against the wall. In a low tone that only Todd could hear, he said:

"Detective boy's one of us. You mess with him, you better watch your back."

He let him go and Todd slumped against the wall in a daze. Dirk ran over to him to check he was ok. Amanda shook her head in exasperation.

"Dirk, seriously. You don't have to put up with Todd's bullshit."

"He's my best friend Amanda" Dirk said, still holding Todd's arm to steady him.

"He's an asshole is what he is, trust me I know. Best friend or not he has _no right_ to talk to you like that. " she added softly. "You deserve better."

"I'm standing right here..." Todd pointed out.

Amanda ignored him. "I mean it Dirk." she said, and Dirk looked at her in surprise. "You don't have to stay friends with someone who treats you like that. You'll still have Farah, Mona, me and the boys, Hobbs, Tina - you have plenty of friends now you don't _need_ him"

"Jesus, Amanda!" Todd said, panicking slightly at the thought of total exile. Amanda meant every word but she also knew there wasn't a chance in hell of Dirk agreeing with her.

"He called you a coward, and said you should go back to Blackwing. To the military prison that tortured you as a child." Amanda continued unapologetically talking only to Dirk. 

Todd slumped in defeat, fully agreeing with his sister that he was a piece of shit.

"He said sorry-" Dirk pointed out.

"How many other times has he been 'sorry'? What other awful things has he been saying to you? Because I know there's more. There's no point being sorry and then saying the same mean shit over and over again. And Dirk..." she said, with sympathy softening her tone "You don't stick up for yourself."

She sighed.

"You're too good for my shithole brother. And you think people have a right to treat you that way but they don't. He's _supposed_ to be your friend. Don't let him get away with this shit."

"Amanda..." Dirk said softly, touched by her concern. "I really appreciate you all looking out for me, but, in spite of all evidence to the contrary, I really _can_ take care of myself. I've been doing it for a long time. I may be new to this whole 'friend' thing but I'm learning as I go along and I...I think Todd probably is too."

"Amanda's right. I don't deserve you." Todd muttered.

"You spent two months trying to get me out of a military facility after knowing me for a _week_ , Todd. None of us are perfect but that has to count for _something_." Dirk pointed out.

"I'm going to try harder. I'm sick of...hating who I am." Todd said. "I'm really fucking sorry Dirk...I'll find some way to make all this up to you."

"We have to go now." Amanda said with a sigh. "But Todd, next time we come round and find you've been emotionally and psychologically abusing your best friend, we're taking you with us and dropping you in the Grand Canyon."

"Please do." Todd agreed remorsefully.

After Amanda and the Rowdies had gone they sat on the sofa in relief/ exhaustion.

"It's all right Todd, really. I know you didn't mean it. You just scared me a little that's all."

"It is so fucking far from all right." Todd said despairingly. "You...you trusted me, you confided in me about your nightmarish childhood and not having anyone around - and I just threw it in your face, I used it _against_ you. I had no right. Why should you ever trust me again?"

Dirk went to say something but Todd continued "And Amanda's right - it's not the first time. Hell it's not even the second time - I keep doing it, I keep attacking you where I know it'll hurt the most and it's... it's sick. I don't know what's wrong with me."

"We'll figure it out Todd. The important thing is that you're trying, and I believe in you. How about if I promise to help you? If you say something that I find a little bit...hurtful, or even...utterly terrifying...I'll ask you if you could please not say that in future."

Todd looked at him uncomprehendingly. How the hell could Dirk be so forgiving? Why was he so determined to project all this kindness and friendship onto Todd in spite of being hurt so many times? Did he really like Todd, or just like the idea of a friend so much that he'd sacrifice anything, including his own self-esteem, to live that dream even if it was really a delusion?

"Why do you..." Todd asked him

"You're more than your weaknesses Todd." Dirk said emphatically. "You're a whole, 3D person, not just one thing that you need to improve on."

Todd thought about that and then relaxed just slightly, in relief. Because he knew that's really how Dirk saw things. He took the good with the bad, and the bad with the good, and balanced it all up in strong bias towards the good, but still - he did see the real Todd, he wasn't just using Todd as friend substitute.

"I'll do better." Todd determined. "I'll deserve to have you as a friend."

He took a deep breath. "Quarry?" he asked with a sideways look at Dirk.

Dirk smiled slightly and nodded. "Quarry. Also, if you really want to make it up to me, you can buy dinner tonight"

"Agreed. We can go to your favourite fancy pizza place."

"And do the paperwork on the case."

"Deal."  
  
"And all the housework for a month?" Dirk asked, clearly seeing how far he could take this and enjoying himself far too much.

"Ok. One month." Todd sighed.

"And-"

"Don't push it."

"I was just getting started!"

Todd chuckled at Dirk's infectious good natured teasing and resolved deep down to keep climbing that ladder towards being a better person, because no one deserved it more than Dirk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Random side note: Todd saying "Nothing! I didn't mean it..." reminded me of one of my favourite bits of S1:
> 
> Estevez/ Zim: Did you see anything unusual?  
> Todd: Yes. No. Maybe? I don't know...  
> Estevez/ Zim: You do realise you just gave every possible answer to that question.
> 
> xD


	40. Bruised Banana

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just something that came to mind around the Protective!Rowdy theme (but with Nice!Todd, sorry Anon...) 
> 
> The Rowdies visit, and seem to need reassuring that the black eye on Dirk's face did not come from Todd. 
> 
> Warning: references Domestic abuse in a non-graphic way.

It was the first time the Rowdies had visited their new apartment, the one shared by Todd and Dirk, and they both felt a sense of despair at the idea of their new home being completely trashed.

Todd watched, feeling frustrated and helpless as they advanced on Dirk.

The detective had a look of resignation as he closed his eyes and waited for the inevitable. He opened them again though when he found nothing happening, and saw that Martin was staring at him. Martin's narrowed eyes met Dirk's enquiring ones.

It was only when Martin turned with sinister slowness to Todd and growled that Dirk remembered the black eye he'd got on their current case.

"It wasn't Todd!" he said quickly. Martin didn't move from where he was glaring daggers at Todd, who looked confused by what was going on.

"It wasn't Todd" Dirk repeated. "This is just an ordinary case-related black eye. You have my word."

Martin turned back to him evaluatingly.

"Actually it's rather an interesting case. We've been investigating a cinema which appears to be haunted by its own film characters. I got this from a _violently_ haunted popcorn machine - you wouldn't believe popcorn could hurt so much but I suppose anything at great enough velocity-"

"Nerdy Bullshit." Martin interrupted.

"Nerdy Bullshit" the other Rowdies agreed in low tones.

"Right, sorry. Just wanted to-"

The Rowdies started absorbing energy from Dirk and then sighed in satisfaction. Dirk fell to the floor in slow motion and sat on the carpet looking frazzled.

"Clear out boys." Martin announced and they made a very noisy exit.

Vogel reappeared briefly to smash a side table - dashing their hopes that they'd got away with a visit that left nothing broken.

After they'd gone Todd helped Dirk up.

"Dirk." he said, knowing that Dirk was fully aware of the elephant in the room in need of addressing.

"Are you making tea? I'd love a cup of tea." Dirk stalled.

"Sure, I'll make you a cup of tea if you explain why the Rowdies thought _I_ was the one who gave you that black eye." Todd negotiated, helping Dirk to a stool at the kitchen counter while he prepared some tea.

Dirk tried to smoothe his hair with his hands and gave up.

"They just get a bit funny about that sort of thing, that's all."

"What sort of thing?"

"They don't seem to approve of the people I live with hitting me."

Todd stopped what he was doing and glanced up at Dirk. Was there any kind of abuse that Dirk hadn't been subjected to at some point in his life? But then he recalled from a psychology class at school the way these things often compounded one another. Hadn't he read somewhere that victims of child abuse were more susceptible to domestic abuse later on?

"Someone you lived with...used to hit you?" he asked, unable to hide his concern. He felt a familiar, aching sympathy and sadness that he often felt when Dirk revealed anything of his tumultuous past.

"This might shock you Todd but I haven't always been the hard-bitten cynical detective I am today" Dirk said, with a hint of dramatic flair. "I was rather naive as a youth."

Todd frowned, biting back an observation that he'd never met anyone less cynical in his life, could scarcely imagine how vulnerable Dirk must have been when he first got out of Blackwing. Dirk continued while Todd was trying to picture this.

"I'm not sure why it should bother the Rowdy 3 so much." he frowned. "Perhaps it's like when you eat a bruised banana..."

"Did it occur to you that maybe they just...don't like seeing you get hurt?" Todd suggested, remembering the way Martin had looked at him.

Dirk frowned, pondering this for a moment. "I suspect their feelings towards me are...complicated." he settled on.

Todd felt a sudden surge of gratitude towards Martin and the others for watching out for Dirk when he hadn't had anyone.

"I'm sorry whoever it was took advantage of you like that, Dirk." Todd said softly. Dirk smiled at him with a slightly embarrassed shrug.

"Did the Rowdies stop it?" Todd asked.

"Well, I didn't see him again after that. Come to think of it, I'm still not entirely sure what ever happened to him..." Dirk said distantly.

Todd pushed a cup of tea towards him, which was gratefully received.

"You're a far superior housemate in every respect Todd." he said cheerfully and Todd smiled.

"I'm going to take that as a compliment despite the _incredibly_ low bar you just set"

"You should. Now what do you think about interdimensional film tape Todd, could the projector be some kind of gateway to parallel dimensions where Mary Poppins _actually_ lives - oh, maybe she could be an assistant on the case Todd!"

 _Another totally normal day,_ Todd thought.


	41. Back Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Attempted Prompt fill for hittooclosetohome, in which Dirk gets sick and Martin looks after him

Dirk wiped the sweat off his brow and finally finished coughing. He stood upright and breathed, very tentatively, hoping he didn't start off another coughing fit.

Todd and Farah were chasing down a lead while Dirk followed a hunch to another part of town. Dirk felt this was how an efficient agency was supposed to run, he liked being able to follow multiple clues at the same time.

Although technically Todd and Farah had told him to stay in the agency. They certainly had not suggested he follow a lead without back up, given that Rule 1, 2, and 3 of the Agency according to Farah Black were all (and she really can't stress this enough) _never follow a lead without back up_.

But, a hunch is a hunch.

He felt a tickle in his lungs. That really wasn't fair. Surely there had to be some no-coughing time between coughing?

Dirk could argue the Universe was his back up. Useless, double-crossing good-for-nothing back up certainly, but it followed him around like a shadow, or a cloud, or the shadow of a cloud...so that had to count for something.

He decided to stop for a moment in a side alley as people kept bumping into him. He leant against a wall and waited for a wave of dizziness to pass by. It had not fully passed when he started coughing again.

Farah and Todd may have had a point after all, he conceded. Due to their newly enhanced detective skills, they had detected that Dirk was, possibly, in a manner of speaking, not in perfect health. Anyway he appreciated their concern but they were on a case so what could he do about it?

His destination was only a couple of blocks away but it seemed an interminable distance...still, the universe was nudging him along. As soon as he finished coughing.

So he launched himself off the wall in the right direction, with determination, and promptly passed out.

\-------------

Dirk woke with a strong urge to cough, and spent about 5 minutes doing just that. He felt very hot inside, but cold and shivery outside.

"Where...no, _how_ did I get here?" Dirk wheezed out as he recognised his bedroom. He was in bed, jacket and shoes removed, supported by a large number of plumped up pillows. On his bedside table was a glass of water and some painkillers.

He felt truly awful, but not so awful that it didn't bother him that the last thing he remembered he was on a street some miles away on a case, and now he was here.

The whiteboard on his wall, which he knew was in fact Mona, answered with blue writing

_The Rowdy 3_

"Don't be ridiculous, Mona, why would they-"

Dirk was interrupted by the appearance of Martin at his door. He glanced sheepishly at Mona, before turning cautiously to the visitor.

"Drink this." Martin said gruffly, pushing a cup of tea towards him. Dirk analysed it quickly and decided it involved honey, lemon, and a couple of sprigs of fresh thyme.

"Thank you..?" Dirk said uncertainly. He wasn't used to being looked after, especially not by a group of energy sucking vampire punks.

He took a sip, and it seemed to soothe his desire to cough.

"This is rather good actually." Dirk said, trying not to sound too surprised and largely failing. "Why are you helping me?" he asked ingenuously

Martin said nothing for a moment, and Dirk couldn't read the expression on his face.

Eventually he said with a small smile "Can't have our favourite fast food joint dyin' on us."

Dirk was still puzzled, and too ill to make sense of it, so he just took another sip of tea.

"And it didn't look like you were about to take care of _yourself_ any time soon."

"I..." Dirk started, suddenly remembering why he'd been out in the first place. "I'm on a case- I need to get back to it" he sat up, pushing a blanket off which seemed much harder than it should be.

"Easy now." Martin gently, but firmly pushed Dirk back down on the pillows. "Reckon your agency pals can solve a case without ya this once."

He returned the blanket but Dirk was still struggling against him. "No I have to help my friends. I don't have _time_ to be ill"

"I don't want to _make you_ rest boy...but I will if I have to" Martin threatened, and Dirk saw that he meant it. He knew Martin was right too, it wouldn't take much energy in his current state to send him fast asleep.

He huffed, which brought on a coughing fit, which apparently looked as painful as it felt because when he was done, Martin had two painkillers ready for him, which he gratefully swallowed. The fit had left him so weak he felt his eyes battling with gravity and let gravity win.

\------

The next time he woke up, it was dark but his bedside lamp was on. Blearily he could see the outline of Mona in her human form.

"Hi Dirk." she whispered. "You have a fever. Martin's been looking after you - they're in the other room."

Dirk tried to say something but Mona shushed him, and honestly he felt so weak it was a relief not to try.

"They won't leave until they know you're ok." Mona said with some surprise.

Dirk was surprised too. He just couldn't make sense of it, and everything ached so much, and it was _sooo cold_...and he drifted back to sleep.

\--------

He was drifting in and out of consciousness...delirium had set in and he couldn't figure out where he was. There were shadows, and he was sure he'd seen Colonel Riggins, which meant he had to be - but hadn't he escaped? He had, but they had caught him again hadn't they?

Had he escaped again? And been caught again? And escaped again? And been - he felt sick from the confusion of it all. He could hear Priest's voice, and his mother's, and Todd's, and others from his past in a confused jumble.

_Poor confused little Svlad Cjelli...Always in trouble..._

_I'm sending you away for your own good darling, you...I don't know what you are. Svlad. I don't know what you are..._

_You're a monster! You deserve to be alone!_

_I'll always find you Icarus...you're mine. You Belong Here..._

He tried desperately to fight back, but it was like trying to find the surface of a lake when he was trapped under a waterfall that kept pushing him down.

He woke up to Martin shaking him lightly and could hear his own whimpering pleas struggling to make themselves heard. He felt the hot tears on his cheeks.

"Listen to me boy. Anyone wants you they have to go through me. Ain't nobody gonna cage us. You're sick, but it's all right. You're safe."

He needed to cough but felt too weak. It came out as a couple of pathetic wheezes instead, which prompted Martin to help him sit more upright, adding a pillow behind him. He put a cool towel to his forehead.

"'m not ...not a...monster" he mumbled, barely coherently.

"I know you're not." Martin said, with certainty. "You're a detective. You ain't no monster."

He helped him to a couple of sips of tea.

"De...tective...I'm a...I have a..a case!" Dirk wheezed again, and Martin felt a tingle in his veins, sensing his rising panic and urgency.

"Shhh, now. You're more important than a case, kiddo." he said quietly. "Go back to sleep, everything's ok. I'm here, and I ain't letting nothin or no one hurt you now, unnerstand?"

Dirk felt a sense of safety that was extremely rare in his life, and he allowed himself to relax into it.

\-----------

When he next woke up he could tell from the change of light that many hours had passed.

The chair next to him turned into Mona who knelt by his side.

He could hear the voices of Todd and Farah, and smell bacon and toast.

"How are you feeling?" Mona asked quietly.

"I just had the strangest dream..." he said vaguely.

"The Rowdy 3 left just before Todd and Farah arrived." Mona said, helping him to some water.

The water started another coughing fit but he felt a lot stronger after a long sleep. And oh...ok...apparently not a dream? He frowned in confusion.

Farah appeared in the doorway, hearing his coughing.

"Hello Farah, how's the case going?"

"Dirk, forget the case." she shook her head in exasperation. "Are you up for eating anything? There's some soup in the kitchen, Mona - I had no idea you were such a good cook"

Mona looked blankly at her but Farah didn't notice, still looking at Dirk.

"I'll...try some soup if you promise to tell me about the case."

She sighed. "All right. Just get better ok?" she said with a fond smile, before disappearing to heat up some soup.

"Mona?"

"Yes Dirk?"

"What do you think energy-sapping anarchists who don't eat food...put into a soup?"

Turns out whatever it was, tasted rather good.


	42. Under the Surface

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Farah wants Dirk to learn to swim but he seems strangely resistant to the idea. Todd gets to the bottom of his fear of water and together the three of them move past the trauma. Todd and Farah love and protect their favourite holistic cinnamon roll as best they can.
> 
> Warnings: torture, child abuse (non graphic)

"I'm going for a swim. Either of you want to come?" Farah asked

"Nah I'm good, thanks."

"I don't know how." Dirk shrugged.

"What? You don't know how to swim?" Farah clarified turning back to them.

"Farah, you're going to have to stop being shocked at the innumerable skills the CIA failed to teach me. I can't ride a bike either..."

Todd hid the sadness he felt hearing those words as he watched Dirk shrug off his shitty childhood as though growing up in a secret facility was just 'one of those things'.

"Believe me, I tried while I was living in Cambridge - it didn't go well. I ended up careering straight into the river - which, since I can't swim, meant I had to be rescued by a literal punter - meanwhile the person who lent me their bike was rather upset with me. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to make a speedy getaway on a punt with two German tourists and a student moving you along with a big pole?"

"Dirk this is serious." Farah interrupted Dirk's rambling while Todd raised an eyebrow at the mental image.

"I don't see why, I'm not a lifeguard..."

"But you are a detective and our cases might take us anywhere. Knowing how to swim is an important life skill, Dirk, you need to learn. It could be a matter of life and death. I'm going to sign you up for some classes."

"I don't want classes Farah - I'm not learning to swim and that's final." Dirk said with resolution.

Farah huffed impatiently.

"What are you going to do if Todd gets an attack in the water and you can't help him because you can't swim? Just stand there and watch?" Farah asked, and knew her point had hit home when she saw Dirk flinch slightly at the image. But his response still surprised her.

"That's not fair." he said quietly, got up quickly and left the room to the kitchen area behind his desk.

Farah made to follow but Todd stood up and blocked her way.

"Wait. You go swim, I'll talk to him." Todd offered. He could see that Farah was getting annoyed and that Dirk was getting upset, and he didn't want it to go any further.

Farah sighed. "Ok. Sure. I'll be back in about an hour." she picked up her things and left.

Todd waited a moment to give Dirk some space before following him to the kitchen.

"You ok?" he asked, and his concern was the final touch that deflated any remaining anxious tension in the detective. Dirk nodded.

"You're usually up for trying new things." Todd observed, treading carefully. The last time he'd taken Dirk to task for not wanting to try something, namely a test of his psychic abilities, it turned out it was because he'd spent years of his childhood being experimented on in a military prison. He was determined not to make any assumptions this time.

"I just don't like water very much." Dirk muttered with a touch of defiance.

"Did something happen?" Todd speculated.

Dirk shrugged slightly. "Sometimes Blackwing would hold me under water until I predicted the right answer to their stupid questions."

Todd's eyes widened and he swallowed. Dirk rarely spoke about his time at Blackwing, and Todd always wondered exactly what had gone on there. The thought of them torturing his best friend shook him to the core.

Dirk continued as though his dislike of water required further explanation.

"I kept nearly drowning and I just...wasn't terribly keen on the sensation."

"No I...I get that. Shit I'm...sorry Dirk. That sounds awful."

Dirk breathed out and Todd saw his relief that Todd understood and didn't think he was just being silly. Dirk could never tell the difference between 'no big deal' and 'huge fucking deal' when it came to the things he'd been through, and was always uncertain how things would be received. Though it had to be said, Todd was yet to come across one that wasn't in the 'huge fucking deal' category.

"Besides I don't think I'd look very good in swimming trunks. What with all the scars and everything, I might scare the children." he said. Todd felt a heart-wrenching sadness and sympathy at the casual implication.

He'd never seen his friend uncovered before, so the permanent marks left on his friend's body by the abuse he'd suffered were left to his imagination. The extent of torture he'd been subjected to made him so angry and upset that he could hardly speak.

"I wish you'd never had to go through that." he said quietly.

"I _am_ glad it's over." Dirk said, with his usualy philosophical positivity that Todd was so in awe of.

"I suppose Farah's right though" the detective continued, "if something happened to either of you and I couldn't do anything but watch..."

Todd thought for a moment.

"Listen, if you want to, I mean _only_ if you want to - I'm sure Farah could set us up with a private session - just the three of us, and we could teach you. But Dirk - you don't have to do anything you don't feel comfortable doing. Farah will understand"

"You'd really do that? For me?" Dirk asked, obviously touched.

"Of course we would Dirk." Todd answered, and now it was his turn to use the 'well duh' tone, because Dirk really ought to know by now that his friends would go to the moon and back for him.

"Perhaps...perhaps I could...just try it once and see how it went?" he said tentatively.

"It's up to you." Todd reiterated. "But we'll be right by your side the whole time if that's any consolation."

"It most certainly is." Dirk said, relaxing slightly.

\----------------

Farah had arranged the session for the following week, after Todd had explained the situation to her and she had apologised to Dirk and reiterated that there was absolutely no pressure. She was determined to make their swimming lessons a safe space for him.

Todd and Dirk were getting changed in the men's changing room

"Ok. You ready?" Todd asked and turned to Dirk who had also finished changing.

He felt himself stop breathing as he tried to make sense of the criss-crossing scars that covered an awkward, self-conscious and anxious looking Dirk.

There was a moment of awkward silence.

"Todd can you...please stop looking at me like that?" he requested after a moment.

Todd swallowed and tried to shake himself out of it. He felt his nails digging into his palms at how tightly his fists were clenched, thinking about the people who had done this to his best friend.

"Sorry I know... you did warn me it's just..." he took a deep breath. "If I could go back in time and stop all that from happening-"

"Todd, disruptions to the timeline of that sort are extremely volatile, as you must _surely_ know by now after all the timeline related cases we've had-"

"No I just mean.." he took a breath and tried to formulate his thoughts into the right words. "It's a very ... _visual_ record - of the violence and abuse you've suffered in the past. And I - I'm your friend Dirk." Todd said with a shrug. "It's always gonna upset me to think of you getting hurt, especially being _tortured_ and experimented on it just... makes me want to go on a rampage and beat the shit out of anyone who ever hurt you."

Dirk smiled softly at him "Thank you Todd. But it's all over now. I just want to move on with my life."

"You know, I think you're...the bravest person I've ever met."

Dirk looked at him incredulously. "I'm scared literally _all_ _the time._ "

"Justifiably" Todd said flatly, and meant it - there was no denying that Dirk's life was, at best, extremely stressful. "But the way you treat other people, despite the way most people have treated you... I guess what I'm trying to say is, you're... pretty amazing. And I still can't believe you want to be friends with me."

Dirk was blushing and looked both pleased and like he was about to cry.

"The feeling is mutual Todd. Talking of amazing people we're lucky to be friends with, Farah's probably waiting for us."

When they left the changing room Farah was waiting for them by the pool. Perhaps because of her training and her experience with combat and fighting- she was able to better conceal her feelings at the sight of the battlefield that was Dirk's body, deferring her own feelings until later so she could prioritise her friend. Later on, her heart would break. But not right now.

Dirk looked extremely uncomfortable so she smiled reassuringly at him, walked over to him and took his hand.

"We'll go slow I promise." she said, keeping her eyes on Dirk's face despite the temptation to catalogue the scars on his body. "and any time you've had enough just say ok?"

Dirk nodded, staring fixedly at the pool.

"Why don't we start by going into the water?"

Dirk swallowed and said, almost to himself, "I'm the bravest person Todd knows, so...I can definitely do this."

Todd and Farah shared a look that was half amused and half concerned as Farah stepped into the pool to guide Dirk in.

Dirk looked like he did just before stepping into the Wendimoor pool that took him back to Blackwing, and just like then, started murmuring to himself " _Don't panic, don't panic, don't panic..."_

After a moment of hesitation he took a deep breath and stepped down into the water, followed by Todd.

"Dirk, would you mind loosening your grip on my hand just a little?" Farah said, in a pained voice.

"Right yes of course sorry" Dirk said

"It's all right. Maybe for this first lesson we should just get used to being in the water, and not try anything more _complicated_ just yet."

Dirk nodded, still looking petrified.

They stayed in the pool for about 20 minutes, walking across the shallow end until Dirk seemed to have relaxed slightly. It was slower progress than Farah had hoped, but the scars on Dirk's body made it hard to forget the reason for patience.

On the way home, the adrenaline having worn off, Dirk practically didn't stop talking about a variety of loosely connected thoughts that seemed to pass through his brain.

The thing that got Farah's attention though was when he said: "Maybe next time I can try and do some real swimming."

The fact that Dirk felt up to a 'next time' felt like a success to Farah and she felt a warm glow.

\--------------

Todd couldn't sleep. He just kept thinking about the various ways in which Blackwing had abused his friend, and how well Dirk hid it. He kept thinking of opportunities, past and future, to smash the faces of anyone who'd ever _thought_ about hurting him. He was trying to come to terms with the fact that there was nothing he could do about all the suffering Dirk had endured.

He sighed and got up for a glass of water.

He noticed that Dirk's light was on, and as usual, his door was half open (Dirk knew that the door being shut didn't mean it was locked, but he still felt safer with it open), so Todd peered in to see if he wasn't the only one having trouble sleeping.

As he peered round he saw that Dirk had fallen asleep with the light on, but seemed to be in a nightmare, tears streaming down his face and restrained whimpering noises emanating from his pained expression.

Todd took a step forward to wake him, but the creak of the floor seemed to do the job for him. 

Dirk sat upright and immediately covered his mouth with his hand as though instinctively to stop himself crying out. He curled into a ball, wrapping his arms around himself and focused on breathing. Todd, trying not to startle him, got his attention with a soft "Hey" before moving closer.

Dirk still jumped slightly, not expecting anyone to be in his room, but as his bleary gaze focused on Todd he relaxed as though Todd represented safety; Todd felt himself go into 'big brother' mode instinctively.

"You ok? You look like you were having a bad dream." he sat on the bed, not touching Dirk but close enough that he was easily in reach if Dirk wanted to pull him into a hug.

Dirk nodded. "Did I...wake you?" he asked with surprise.

"No I was just passing and noticed you left your light on." Todd frowned slightly, aware that Dirk felt compelled to silence his own distress. "But I'm just next door you know, you can always shout for me or come get me when you have a bad dream and want some company."

"That's very kind, Todd." Dirk said, as always taking the opportunity to highlight Todd's better qualities. "But I'm pretty used to them by now."

Todd couldn't hide his sadness at that.

"How do you do it?" he asked quietly. "How do you stay so positive when your life has been so shit?"

Dirk looked taken aback by the question but gave it some thought.

"I suppose..." he said pensively, "when you've never had very much you can't help but appreciate things other people take for granted?" he suggested. "like freedom, and natural light, and food, and especially - friends."

He frowned suddenly as a thought occurred to him. "Of course, you know better than anyone that I have my moments where it all gets on top of me. I'm certainly not immune from wallowing in self-pity every once in a while." he gave a self-deprecating shrug.

"I think you've earned it." he sighed. "If I'd had your life that's _all_ I'd be doing." he said with an ironic smile. "Anyway, I'll let you sleep. See you tomorrow."

"Todd?"

"Yeah?"

Dirk pulled him into a hug. "Thank you" he said softly.

"Any time." Todd said.

\-------------------

They went swimming every Friday.

After 3 months, Dirk was able to swim at a very basic level, enough to prevent himself from drowning, and didn't dread Fridays quite so much, almost looked forward to them. Farah still thought it was fantastic progress, as she kept reminding him.

Today they were going to try something they hadn't yet tackled: going underwater.

Todd was holding his hand on one side, and Farah was facing him.

"Just duck your head under for a second ok? You can do this." she reassured him. Dirk took a deep breath and nodded.

He went under for a second and then came back up and breathed as though he'd been under for a lot longer.

"Dirk? Are you all right?" Farah asked, with worry.

He didn't respond, just closed his eyes.

"Dirk talk to me, are you ok?"

"I don't know I don't know!" he blurted out suddenly. Farah observed the tension and the expression of panic on his face and glanced at Todd to see if he'd also noticed. He had.

"It's all right, it's ok Dirk, you're ok, why don't we get out of the pool a second ok?" Farah said with calm gentleness. Dirk nodded, and they got out.

Dirk relaxed almost as soon as he was out of the water.

"I'm sorry Farah." he said, as though he'd disappointed them.

"Don't you dare apologise." Farah said, still with a soothing tone of voice. "You're doing great and I'm proud of you. I know it's hard, but it's not your fault ok? And we're right here. We'll help you."

Todd squeezed his hand to show that he agreed and smiled at his friend.

"Thank you. Both of you." Dirk said

"Why don't we call it a day?" Todd suggested.

"No." Dirk said suddenly. "No I want to try again."

Farah smiled at him in admiration which made him even more determined.

By the end of the session, Dirk felt more in control of things and Farah felt like another milestone had been reached.

Long after all the milestones had been reached they carried on with their Social Friday Swim, and eventually Dirk started to actually _enjoy_ swimming rather than tolerate it while trying not to panic.

A year later, during the Case of the Swamp Monster it became apparent that Farah had been right to ensure they all had a good standard of swimming ability. In fact, it saved their lives.


	43. Tool of the Universe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Todd tries to convince Dirk that his life is a little more important than a case, and Dirk is confused about the concept. 
> 
> Rather *ahem* noticeably similar to the fantastic Chapter 2 of Protect Icarus by thewrongplath - I love the concept but I really wanted a non-Brotzly version because Dirk valuing his own life should not be contingent on romantic love. Todd is pointing out that Dirk is worth something inherently, or trying to anyway... Dirk's gonna take a while to really get it!

Todd was sat, leaning forward in the uncomfortable hospital chair, listening to the hypnotic sound of Dirk's heartbeat as he slept.

He ran his hands through his hair, thinking of the moment Dirk had started running for the burning house, running to rescue the scrap of evidence they needed to complete the case. Todd had tried to run after him but the firefighters had held him back, in a gentle but utterly uncompromising grip.

He'd had no choice but to _watch_. Had to watch his best friend risk his life for the sake of a flimsy folder of photographs.

As the firefighter in turn rescued Dirk from the building, the folder was tucked protectively under Dirk's jacket completely unharmed. Dirk hadn't been so lucky. The room he was in had collapsed on top of him, leaving him with a broken arm, fractured skull, and several bruises, not to mention the damage to his lungs from smoke inhalation.

It was hardly the first time he'd witnessed Dirk run headlong into danger and very nearly end up dead as a result, but this time was different for two very important reasons.

1\. Never before had Dirk risked his life for something so relatively trivial

and 2. If previous times had been alarming, it was nevertheless true that Dirk had been a stranger then, not his best friend. Somewhere in the last 6 months of knowing Dirk, it had become impossible for him to imagine his life without the bright, funny, annoying, inspiring, kind, _impossibly_ reckless detective. He loved him second only to Amanda. He'd honestly do anything for Dirk, but not if Dirk got himself killed over some stupid photographs.

A change in the bleeping noise alerted him to the fact that Dirk was now awake.

"Hey" he said softly. Dirk turned to him sleepily.

"Hi" he said raspily, and Todd took that as a cue to help him to some cold water through a straw.

"Thank you Todd." Dirk said, slightly easier, though still a little rough from the smoke inhaled.

"Dirk..."

"Mm?"

"What the fuck did you think you were doing?" Todd asked, shaking his head.

"You know what I was doing Todd we've been working the case together all week" Dirk pointed out, puzzled.

"You ran into a burning building, Dirk. You could have been killed. You nearly _were_ killed, seriously, what in FUCK'S NAME do you think you were doing?" Todd's voice rose and Dirk shushed him.

"Keep your voice down Todd this is a hospital! I was just following the case. We needed that evidence. And we got it. _And_ I wasn't killed - so it's a win all round really." Dirk said as though he were the voice of reason.

"I had to _watch_ " Todd said, quietly but with simmering anger. "I had to watch you run into a death trap and there was nothing I could do about it- you could have fucking DIED" Todd said taking a deep breath.

"It's a _case_ Todd"

"I don't give a fuck about the _fucking_ case Dirk! It's not worth you being killed! If the universe wants you to fix things the LEAST it could do is keep you safe! And this-" he gestured to Dirk's current state, "- this isn't safe! Burning buildings aren't safe!"

Dirk looked at him in utter incomprehension for a moment.

"Todd... you do realise that...I don't _matter_ in all of this, I'm just a tool." Dirk was explaining it to him as though surprised that he had to explain that 1+1 equalled 2.

Todd almost choked in shock and anger at the statement. He couldn't speak for a moment as he tried to process Dirk's words.

"You matter...to _ME_ Dirk... and if I matter to you, then you'll stop being so reckless!"

Dirk looked at him in surprise and then confusion and then sympathy before blushing slightly.

"That's not how it works..." he said quietly.

Todd scoffed and looked away, realising that tears of frustration and tension and shock from the day's events had started forming.

"Todd..." Dirk said in worry, as Todd wiped his eyes tiredly.

" _Change_ how it works." Todd said quietly. "Maybe the universe thinks you're a tool, and treats you like that. Maybe Blackwing wanted you to be a tool or a weapon or I don't know what - but you're not. You're a _person_ , Dirk. You're more than that you're... you're the best person I know, and I refuse to let anyone treat you like you don't matter."

He looked at Dirk directly and said emphatically " _Especially_ _you_." he took a breath. "Because you matter, Dirk. You fucking matter ok?"

Dirk looked away, and Todd saw silent tears start falling. 

Todd continued softly "I know no one's ever said that to you before. But it's true, and I need you to understand that you have as much right to safety as me or Farah or anyone else. Because I...I don't know how many more times I can stand watching you get hurt."

Todd moved in closer and took Dirk's good hand, the one not in a cast, and warmed the cold, trembling fingers in his.

"Ok" Dirk said quietly.

"Ok?" Todd asked, amazed that he'd managed to get through to the often obtuse detective.

"If it's going to upset you this much, I'll try not to ....get hurt." Dirk offered.

Todd would rather Dirk protected himself for his own sake rather than anyone else's, but he'd take it for now. He'd work on Dirk's self esteem over time - but it would be a lot easier without Dirk trying to get himself killed at every opportunity.

He sighed in relief.

"Ok." he echoed. "Do you want me to bring you some ice cream?" Todd suggested, partly to soothe the sore throat he knew Dirk must have, but partly just to boost his friend's morale.

"I can't imagine hitting my head so hard that the answer to that would _ever_ be no, Todd"

"I'll be right back. In the meantime don't be a tool."

Todd smirked at him and Dirk beamed back, because his best friend was getting him ice cream to make him feel better, and that was something he'd wanted all his life.

Which made Todd a higher priority than the Universe. The universe never got him ice cream.


	44. Corrosive Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Rowdy 3 draw Farah and Todd's attention to something they really should have noticed: Dirk is not ok. 
> 
> Great prompt hittooclosetohome, thanks for the inspiration :) Hope you like it
> 
> Warning for Blackwing abuse and PTSD.

When the Rowdies crashed into their apartment, Farah and Todd instinctively and urgently looked round the room to find Dirk.

The Rowdies homed in on him immediately.

He was huddled in a corner, spaced out and trembling, and they quickly absorbed his negative energy in waves of blue light, almost as though they were holistic paramedics.

When they were done, Vogel sat down next to him, looking at him with big, worried eyes. Martin crouched down in front of him.

"What was it?" he asked in a low tone.

Todd and Farah were stood, ready at a moment's notice, but were blocked by Cross and Gripps.

"What was what?" Todd asked in the ensuing silence.

Martin turned to glare at him for a second, with the full force of his contempt, before returning to Dirk.

"What was it scared you?"

Dirk flushed red and looked down.

"Hey." Martin gently lifted his chin until their eyes met. "Y'aint got nothin to be ashamed of."

"Not with us" Vogel added in support.

"What are you talking about? You're the ones who scared him!" Todd said in annoyance.

Martin ignored him for a moment, focusing on Dirk, who still hadn't said anything. He put a hand on his shoulder briefly and stood up.

Martin turned to face Todd and Farah. "Brit was scared long before we got here."

He walked up to Todd and Farah, getting in Todd's personal space. Not for the first time, Todd became aware of Martin's strong dislike of him, radiating off him in threatening waves. He swallowed and said nothing as Martin peered down at him like he was a particularly distasteful cockroach.

"How come we know two miles away that detective's in trouble, and you don't notice in spite a being in the same room?"

"What do you mean?" Farah asked in concern. They still weren't entirely sure what was happening here, but Farah felt sure she would have noticed any security breach.

"Boss" Gripps called, standing by the bathroom door. Martin walked over to him and sniffed the air at the door. He grunted, looked around the bathroom until he found a bottle of bleach and threw it unceremoniously into the bin.

"Hey..." Todd objected, though it petered out even as he said it.

"No more bleach." Martin said simply.

"I don't understand" Farah said, confused "What's bleach got to do with-"

Martin walked up to Farah and stared at her with a certain intensity.

"There's some things don't feel _safe_ to a person who grew up experimented on in a military prison. Do you understand me?"

Farah looked at him and over to Dirk and then frowned in thought.

"You're saying the bleach...triggered something? Some unpleasant memory for Dirk that upset him..?"

Martin kept staring at her. "Had a feeling you were the smart one." he said and then turned back to Dirk who by now had stood up, looking extremely self-conscious. Vogel was looking at Dirk like he was a cool big brother, but there was still a hint of open concern in his expression.

"I don't...really..." Todd said, watching Dirk with concern but having no clue what was going on.

Farah explained it to him. "It's not unusual for people who have gone through severe trauma to have some lasting effects. It's called Post Traumatic Stress... it means-"

"Means no more bleach!" Gripps growled at them, making Todd jump slightly, not realising he and Cross were suddenly so close.

"Easy boys." Martin advised.

"Uh, Hi..!" Dirk said, getting their attention "I'm all right now. Everything's completely under control and perfectly normal." Dirk said, smoothing his clothes where they had been crumpled. "Like me, I'm - I'm _perfectly_ normal."

No one responded to this so Dirk continued talking to fill the awkward silence. "If anything _too_ normal. But not so normal as to become _un_ normal again...so really just the right amount if ...if you know what I mean. You know?" he ended awkwardly.

"Don't know. Don't care." Martin said, swinging the bat over his shoulder.

Vogel put a hand on Dirk's shoulder suddenly which startled him slightly, but he looked at the young Rowdy attentively.

"You talk sooo much" Vogel observed in awe. Dirk was about to answer that when Martin approached him and got his attention. He took a deep breath, and then stood a bit straighter, no longer shaking.

Some sort of silent understanding seemed to pass between them. After a moment, Martin grunted, apparently satisfied with whatever had been communicated.

"Well then I guess it's time we got going. You know where to find us." he said to Dirk as the others filed out, and they disappeared as quickly as they'd come.

"I'm not sure that's strictly true." Dirk reflected with a frown. He shook his head and then looked to his two friends blushing slightly. Farah was the one who recovered first, going over to him and maneouvering him onto a sofa where they could all talk.

"Dirk I'm so sorry" Farah opened. "I should have realised - recognised and - I should have seen" she shook her head, trying to clear her thoughts before her anxiety got the better of her.

"It's all right Farah really, I'm fine"

Farah looked at him, and took his hands in hers. "Dirk. You've been through a lot. More than anyone should have to go through. It's natural, and _normal_ for you to need to work through some...things. I know a little bit about Post Traumatic Stress from my training- I'm sorry we didn't realise sooner, we'd never have left you to deal with it on your own."

"I know..." Todd opened cautiously "You don't talk much about your past. And maybe the Rowdies- they can understand it better than we do. But you _can_ talk to us about it. If you want, I mean. And you don't have to be embarrassed about it, we're your friends Dirk, we're on your side, and we always will be."

"Does the bleach make it smell like ...Blackwing?" Farah asked, hesitating to use the name.

Dirk sighed "Well there's that and...sometimes they used it in experiments." he said as though he knew it was ridiculous but might as well explain anyway. "For instance, in one there were these three pools. One would be water and the other two would be bleach, and I'd have to pick the right one to step in. With uncanny inaccuracy I always ended up covered in bleach." He paled at the memory "It slowly dissolves your skin and then burns for _days_ after..."

"Fuck..." Todd said in horror.

"Yes...it wasn't very pleasant." Dirk acknowledged.

"Not very pleasant? That's fucking _horrific,_ Dirk, that...that's torture"

Dirk frowned. "Is it?" he asked. Farah squeezed his hand.

"It is, and I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Todd's right, it's... a lot. I can't imagine how awful that must have been for you." Farah said, wishing she'd shot Priest first and asked questions later.

"I..." Dirk looked at them hesitantly. "I suppose I'm not necessarily as 'over it' as I like to think. The last visit just brought it all back again - things I thought I'd got past." He sighed. "The Rowdy 3 seemed to recognise that before I did, but then they've seen it all before. It was much worse the first time round."

"We'll figure it out ok? You've got us and we'll do whatever we can to help." Farah said.

"Yeah. Like...whenever Amanda was dealing with shock I used to make her something sweet to get her blood sugar level back up. Why don't I make pancakes?" Todd suggested.

" _Outstanding_ assisting, both of you." Dirk said with feeling.


	45. Not Boring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a fluffy bit of friendship as Todd finds out more about Dirk's life immediately post Blackwing

"Dirk, wait! What are you doing? You'll get all..." Todd trailed off, as Dirk jumped into the large metal dumpster in search of clues. 

Dirk, who always smelled pleasantly of fruity soap and shampoo, was bound to come out filthy, smelling of decomposing rubbish, half eaten burgers and old underpants. It just wasn't right. 

"Do you even know what you're doing?" he asked in despair.

Dirk's head appeared over the edge. "I _think_ I know how to search a dumpster, Todd. I mean, I _was_ homeless for two and half years" he said before disappearing from view again

Todd was stunned. Shit. Really? 

"I...I didn't know that." he said with sadness, even though Dirk had said it with unfeigned indifference. "I thought you said the universe always provides?"

"It does. For others" Dirk said simply. "But not for _me_ , obviously. I'm not allowed to benefit."

"But you at least need the basics - food, shelter..."

"Oh you can go quite a long time without food when it comes down to it" Dirk said with casual expertise and Todd felt his heart sink. 

"You've been through too much shit in your life Dirk." he observed, flatly. 

"What do you mean?" Dirk asked nonplussed, appearing over the edge of the container. 

"I just wish you'd had more... security."

"I had an armed guard outside my door for 9 years Todd"

"Not that kind of security...you deserved to have a loving family who protected you, Dirk. A happy childhood where you always felt safe, always had enough to eat, and shelter, and friends, and were never left out in the cold. That kind of thing" Todd added, suddenly embarrassed at his own outburst of feeling. 

"Oh. Well..." Dirk looked unsure. 

"I know there's nothing either of us can do about it, so me saying all that is...kind of pointless... " Todd sighed. "I just wanted you to know anyway. And also that - you have those things now. And I'm not letting the Universe take them away from you. Ever."

"Thank you Todd, that's very-" Dirk ended with a yelp as he slipped and fell back into the dumpster.

"Dirk?" Todd climbed up the side. What the hell...he'd followed Dirk into the house of a soul-swapping kidnapper, followed him through a death maze, and down a mystery tunnel to a child's nightmare universe... he might as well follow him into a dumpster.

He hopped in, wrinkling his nose at the smell and dug his friend out from a pile of bin bags and old clothes.

Dirk appeared with a grateful expression, which turned into a victorious one as he held up the tiny flash drive they'd been looking for.

"How the hell did you.... " Todd shook his head. "Never mind. Let's get out of here. We both need a shower..."

"Yes. I can't tell you how much you miss showers when you live outside."

Todd glanced at him.

"You don't have to look so worried Todd, it's like you said - I have showers in my life now. Showers are practically my second best friend after you. In some respects I would even say I'm closer to my shower than I am to-"

"Don't make it weird."

"Things are going to get very weird when we find out what's on this flashdrive."

"Why what's on it?"

"I have no idea. But my money's on not-boring."

Todd's money had been on not-boring ever since he'd met Dirk Gently. And that's exactly how he liked it.


	46. Trusting Strangers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I like the idea of Dirk being dangerously naive when he first leaves Blackwing, so, this. 
> 
> Money and a place to stay sounds like a good deal to a young, homeless Dirk, until he figures out what the money is for. 
> 
> Warning: attempted rape

Dirk had been out of Blackwing for six months. At some point, he may have turned 18, but he didn't keep track of time to quite that level of detail. Days could seem like years when you were trying not to freeze to death, while trying not to _starve_ to death, making your way slowly across an unknown country in the vague direction of home.

A bar. Bars were good - people threw out food a lot, and no one noticed if you went in and used the toilets, drank the tap water, and left without buying a drink. 

On this occasion though, he didn't go quite unnoticed.

The man seemed to take an instant like to him - which was flattering, he supposed. Kept saying how attractive he was. Dirk suspected he may be a little drunk, but still, the man was offering to take him back to his place - a warm, dry, comfortable place - and who was Dirk to object to that? Especially since he had a hunch it was going to snow. 

He even gave him money - people in this town were _so_ much nicer than the previous ones. 

It was an hour or so later when Dirk got an idea of what the money was supposed to be for, as he struggled against the stranger who had him trapped against a bookshelf and was trying very hard to remove his clothes. He didn't want this. God he really didn't want this... 

He grabbed something, anything from the shelf behind him - a pen - and jabbed it into the man's groping hands. He cried out in pain enough to loosen his grip on Dirk, who scrambled away in terror. He tried the door but it was locked, and his fumbling to undo the complicated latches lost him valuable time.

Now the guy was angry _and_ horny as he grabbed his slight wrists in a bruising grip and dragged him to the sofa, pinning him down. It wasn't hard to overpower him, he hadn't eaten in 3 days. Dirk was panicking so much he was starting to see black spots in his vision. The man slapped him, hard. Then again. Then - he was being pulled off him, and Dirk was distantly aware of blue light and the sound of a body slumping onto the floor.

Martin pulled him up into a sitting position and shone a light into his eyes, Dirk was not entirely sure why. He looked openly worried, which Dirk knew was a very bad sign - it meant he'd been in serious danger this time. He could feel the sting on his cheek and knew it would bruise. 

Martin looked at the others, and gestured to the kitchen, which they seemed to understand. They could all sense how weak Dirk's energy was, how malnourished he was, and there was food not ten feet away. Martin looked back at Dirk; he looked painfully young, far too fragile for this world. He wished the universe took better care of this one.

"You can't go around trusting people kid. It ain't safe." He said when Dirk had calmed enough to hear him. 

Dirk said nothing, which Martin knew was a sign that he was upset, so he continued.

"People out here...they always _want_ something from you. And it ain't always something you want to give. Do you understand?"

Dirk nodded.

The others returned with soup and bread and Dirk ate with trembling hands as the others watched. 

When he was done, the Rowdies ransacked the place for food, drink, toiletries and blankets. Martin shoved all the cash in the apartment into Dirk's hand. 

When they got outside, it was indeed snowing, and Dirk watched as Gripps, Cross and Vogel got into the van. 

"Thank you." Dirk said to Martin. "I won't forget what you did for me tonight."

"You're coming with us." Martin said, in a tone that did not suggest debate. 

Dirk looked unsure. 

"You're not sleeping out here tonight. Get in." Martin reiterated as he practically shoved Dirk into the warm van, full of blankets and now stocked with food.

Martin knew he couldn't protect the kid forever. But that didn't mean he wouldn't try.


	47. Supply Run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk gets a bit of PTSD during a run to the shops and Todd and Farah realise that Dirk's going to need their help dealing with everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish the series hadn't downplayed Dirk's experiences in Blackwing like it was no big deal. 
> 
> It's a huge deal, he's going to need some support dealing with it, and I just wish the series had recognised that even in a small way at some point. The result is me constantly trying to fill that gap...

It was the middle of the day but between the high shelves of the supermarket, artificial light rendered all sense of time meaningless.

Todd was so caught up in trying to find the things on Farah's list that it took him a while to notice that Dirk hadn't said anything for the last few minutes, and he turned around half expecting him to have wandered off somewhere. But no - Dirk was there, just a very pale, unhappy looking version of him.

"Hey, are you ok?" he asked.

"Yes." Dirk said with a brittle tone. "Yes, I'm fine. I'm...." he closed his eyes and tensed "No, No I'm not" Dirk admitted and then made straight for the exit. Todd gave one last glance to the trolley but abandoned it in favour of chasing after Dirk.

When he got out of the supermarket he found Dirk leaning against a wall breathing like he'd been drowning and only just reached the surface.

"What's wrong?"

Dirk rubbed his face with his hands and didn't look at him.

"I'm sorry." he said "I'm all right now we can ...go back in."

"Dirk - talk to me. What's going on?"

"You'll think it's so stupid" Dirk said with a bitterness Todd wasn't used to hearing from him.

"Try me" Todd said. He put a hand on Dirk's arm and Dirk tensed but didn't move away. He could feel him trembling just slightly under his hand.

"I just don't like windowless rooms." Dirk said quickly, with a hint of irritation.

Ah. So this wasn't a universe thing, it was a Blackwing thing, Todd thought. The supermarket with its oppressive low ceiling and washed out lighting reminded Dirk of Blackwing and made him feel unsafe.

"Ok..." Todd said as he processed this fact. "I...guess that makes sense. I mean, it's understandable it's not stupid. But it's all right - I can finish up and you can stay out here." Todd suggested.

"No- I have to...it's no good avoiding these things, Todd. In my experience that just makes it worse. I have to ...face them head on."

Todd looked at him with concern. "You haven't said much about...what happened, exactly, in Blackwing."

"There's nothing to say." Dirk snapped making Todd jump slightly.

"Sorry..." Dirk added, with immediately regret. He took a deep breath, looking at the ground. Then he started talking quietly.

"I couldn't be what they wanted me to be. Even when I stopped fighting back and tried to go along with it, even _then_ they would still hurt me. I thought they would kill me. I just got everything _wrong_ , all the time -"

Dirk looked like he was about to cry and Todd felt a desperate sympathy forming in the pit of his stomach.

"Hey, it's ok you're out now" he hastened to reassure his friend. He put his other hand on Dirk's other arm and waited until Dirk looked at him.

"You don't have to do this alone ok?"

Dirk nodded.

"It's a lot, and it's not stupid. I'm sorry."

Todd said with real regret. He realised suddenly that he'd been acting as though Dirk were immune from the depressing, violent, crazy things in his life just because there were _so many_. But Dirk being holistic didn't stop him from being human.

He realised that Dirk was dealing with serious trauma, and couldn't understand how it had only just occurred to him.

"What for?"

"I should have realised sooner how much you were dealing with. "

"I know you didn't exactly... sign up for any of this Todd-"

"Hey -that's bullshit. I'm your friend- your best friend in fact. I've got your back ok? Always. I'm with you on this whether you like it or not."

Dirk was silent for a moment then took a deep breath.

"You have no idea how much that means to me." he said quietly.

They were interrupted by simultaneous buzzing from their phones. They looked at the message from Farah which read "Where are you? Everything ok?"

Todd had already texted back "We're fine, be back soon" while Dirk was still texting a more detailed and candid account with zero grammar.

"Got scared in supermarket no windows left trolley everything ok going back in will try not to panic this time want muffins Dirk"

After a moment's thought, Farah thought she got the gist of what had happened from Dirk's text. She stared at it thoughtfully for a moment and then started to google information about Post Traumatic Stress. Now the case was over they could focus on the more important issues and this was at the top of the list.

It would take time, she knew. But somehow when she thought of the ridiculous set of misfits she was a part of these days, she had complete faith.


	48. In So Many Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tina, Hobbs, Farah, Todd, and Dirk are playing a party game when they realise that perhaps Dirk is a little more expressive to them than they are to him, and resolve to set things right. 
> 
> Bit of friendship fluff. Every now and then I feel I owe Dirk a story of this kind to make up for all the others :D

"Ok my turn to ask a question" Tina announced, taking a card from the pack.

"When was the last time someone told you they loved you? Hobbs you're up!"

Hobbs thought for a moment. "Let me see. You know I think it was you Dirk - not long after we met you said you thought you might love me." he grinned at him as remembered the moment and Dirk reciprocated the smile with his usual warmth.

"Yes! I've honestly never met anyone who understood interconnectedness so quickly - especially not someone in law enforcement. And believe me I have met a _lot_ of people in law enforcement."

"I believe it." Hobbs laughed. "How about you Farah?"

Farah pondered and then said "You know I think it was Dirk for me too - when I rescued you the other day from that antique carpet that was trying to eat you... the first thing you said while hugging me to death was 'Farah I love you please never change' " she chuckled.

"I stand by it." Dirk said unapologetically.

Todd smiled fondly at him as he pointed out "Dirk, you do realise that 10 minutes before this party you said to me, and I quote, 'Todd, you're my best friend and I love you but if you wear that shirt I will be forced to demote you' "

"It had 4 holes - not of an intentional arty kind - and at least 3 unidentifiable stains on it."

"Some of us are _loyal_ to our clothes Dirk we don't just swap them with strangers every chance we get." Todd laughed.

"So how about you?" Tina asked turning to Dirk. "When was the last time someone told you they loved you?"

Dirk looked awkward all of a sudden. "Oh...um..."

He looked deep in thought for a moment.

"Can't remember?" Hobbs suggested after the pause, just a little sadly.

"No it's not that so much..." Dirk said, not looking at them.

"No one's _ever_ told you... have they?" Todd asked with a heaviness in his tone, all levity vanished. The others looked at him in astonishment for even suggesting something so ridiculous- but Todd knew he was right. It broke his heart, but he knew he was right.

"Well, not in so many _words_ no but it hardly _matters_ does it?" Dirk said dismissively.

"What? Dirk..!" Farah gasped

"I love you." Todd said quickly, looking straight at him.

"I love you too man." Tina chimed in easily.

"I love you Dirk - we all do" Farah said, putting a hand on his.

"Me too. I love you as well kiddo." Hobbs agreed.

Dirk had turned bright red and hastily wiped away a couple of tears.

"We should have said it sooner." Todd observed.

"Didn't your mom or dad ever tell you?" Tina asked with guileless sympathy.

"I didn't know my dad. As for my mum." Dirk looked thoughtful. "I remember her telling me she was scared of me, and asking why I couldn't just be _normal_ and what was wrong with me...but I don't remember her ever saying that she loved me."

"I don't like her." Tina said darkly.

"Well I haven't seen her for a while. 22 years give or take." Dirk shrugged. "Ancient history"

Hobbs looked at him attentively, seeing right through the feigned casualness. "You choose your own family. Ain't that right Tina?"

"It sure is Hobbs." she said, returning his look of fondness.

Dirk caught Todd's eye and found his friend giving him an encouraging and reassuring smile, and took a deep breath, absorbing everything and storing it away in his memory.

"This is without a doubt the best and happiest moment of my entire life." Dirk stated with certainty. They spent a second or two just basking in the warm friendship that existed in that moment, relaxing and taking sips of their drinks. "Next card?" he asked suddenly.

"Next card." Tina said with a nod.


	49. Exactly Right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Todd corners Dirk after a fight in an effort to apologise, but Dirk thinks he's still in trouble and about to be punished

"You told Amanda?!" Todd yelled, as he stalked into the kitchen, furious.

Things had been getting better with Amanda, slowly, but surely, but he'd just had a flaming row with her and was still red hot from the confrontation. Arguing with his sister always upset him more than anything else. This had set them back months of painstaking progress, and it was all Dirk's fault. Todd may have said some less than complimentary things about the Rowdy 3 but he'd told Dirk in confidence, not for him to repeat what he'd said to Amanda.

"You told Amanda what I said about Martin and the others?"

"Maybe?" Dirk answered guiltily.

"You - wait. What is this shit?" Todd looked at the kitchen and saw that it looked like a bomb had gone off.

The reason for this was that a bomb had gone off.

"Oh no... Just...Don't. Please fucking don't tell me you took that ancient space grenade thing from the crime scene and just _destroyed our fucking kitchen_."

Dirk took a deep breath as he tried to think how best to answer this.

"Are you TRYING to ruin my life? What the hell is WRONG with you Dirk? You just destroyed my relationship with Amanda after _months_ spent trying to get her to forgive me and now you've literally blown up the kitchen! I must be crazy. Why the hell would _anyone_ put up with this shit? At least the Rowdies help when Amanda has an attack, what do you do? Apart from go around making everyone's lives _miserable_!"

"Todd-"

"Don't. I don't want to hear your bullshit right now. I need some space" he grabbed a coat and slammed the door shut on the way out, leaving Dirk alone.

The detective sank to the floor slowly, and for the next half an hour could hear nothing but the words Todd had just raged at him circling round and round in his head.

Wrong. There _was_ something wrong with him. Everyone he'd ever met had made a point of telling him so. He ruined people's lives. He'd ruined Todd's life. Did this mean he had to go back to Blackwing? No.... he'd do anything rather than go back there...even if he deserved it, he couldn't. But he couldn't stay here any more and ruin the lives of the people he cared about the most. Eventually he decided what to do. First, he would tidy up the kitchen as best he could. Then he would pack his things. Then he would write Todd a goodbye letter, and go back to London, where he could disappear. 

If only he hadn't had a taste of what it could have been like to have friends, maybe he'd be pleased at the thought of his home city. As it was the thought of the crushing loneliness that awaited him made him wonder if he could even survive a future as bleak as his past had been.

"You can do this Dirk..." he muttered to himself out of habit as he finished wiping soot off the cupboard doors. "Don't give up...just take it one thing at a time. You can do this." he focused on the familiar words that he been his only companion for so long and tried to ignore the pain in his chest.

\---------------------------

Todd had walked a mile before he sat down on a low wall and rubbed his face in his hands.

For a good 5 minutes his mind was just a loop of "Shit Fuck Shit..."

He'd just yelled at the two most important people in his life. Had a fight with Amanda and then immediately taken it all out on Dirk, and pushed him away when what he really needed was his support and advice. Goddamnit why was he such a fuck up?

He was upset about the kitchen, but the way he'd handled it was...well, he _hadn't_ really handled it.

And the things he'd said to Dirk in the heat of the moment... would Dirk even want to speak to him again after this? How could he have lashed out like that, with such casual cruelty?

He needed to calm down, figure out how to fix this. First with Dirk, and then with Amanda.

He'd just have to hope that both of them would somehow be able to forgive him.

\--------------------------

It was an hour later when Todd returned.

"Dirk we need to talk -" He stopped, noticing the bag in Dirk's hand. "Wait. What are you..."

Dirk looked at the floor while he spoke. "I'm...I'm going to get out of your way, Todd. I wrote you a letter - it's in the kitchen - just ... well, you can read it...or burn it...or - " Dirk shook his head. "whatever really I just wanted to say thank you for everything, and I'm sorry for... _everything_... and you won't ever have to see me again."

"No. No no no..." Todd said in horror. His best friend was _not_ about to disappear from his life as quickly as he'd appeared, as quickly as he had when the CIA had kidnapped him for over two, long, shitty months.

"You're not leaving." Todd said with determination, physically blocking the exit. There was a moment of awkward silence as Todd tried to navigate this new, unforeseen situation.

"What are you going to do?" Dirk asked in a quiet, strained voice.

"Apologise." Todd said with clarity.

"I'm sorry" Dirk said quickly, misunderstanding it as a demand.

Todd took a step forward, and Dirk took a corresponding step backwards against a wall.

Dirk was looking at him with the intensity and attention of a trapped animal, jaw tense and breathing slightly too fast.

"Dirk..." Todd said in shock. It hit him like a ton of bricks. Dirk was scared of him right now. Dirk thought he was going to _hurt_ him. He may have been an asshole all his life, but never, _never_ had anyone been scared of him like this, and it made him feel physically sick.

He'd always vaguely imagined bullies to feel some sense of power or control when they threatened others, but he felt just the opposite. The fact that Dirk was bracing himself against pain that he fully expected Todd to inflict, just made him want to crawl out of his own skin with self-loathing and disgust.

His eyes stung with unshed tears, and he wasn't sure which of the many emotions had been the cause.

"You really think I would ever - _could_ ever ...hurt you?" Todd asked with difficulty. He roughly wiped a tear away. "After all we've been through..." Todd shook his head in disbelief.

Dirk looked confused and worried but didn't move or say anything.

"Dirk I would _never_... but then I guess... I did hurt you, didn't I?" he reflected with remorse. "God I'm so sorry Dirk. I'm so fucking sorry."

He sank down to the floor, as though the burden of guilt physically oppressed him. He put his head in his hands and let out a sob.

After a moment he felt hands gripping his shoulders and looked up to see the worried face of Dirk Gently kneeling in front of him.

"Todd" he said, with so much compassion and concern that Todd erupted into a fresh set of tears and drew Dirk into a hug.

"Please don't go. I'm so sorry Dirk, I didn't mean any of it I swear. Just please don't go."

He pulled back and looked at him with puffy eyes. "But God Dirk I would _never_..."

"I know, I know you wouldn't ... _punish_ me Todd, I'm sorry. It just..." Dirk shook his head "I'm sorry"

"No _I'm_ sorry Dirk. I've fucked this up so badly I don't even know where to begin except that I'm so fucking sorry."

"It's all right Todd"

"No it's not" Todd shook his head.

"It's not what _matters_ Todd. What matters is that you still want me here, and I want to be here, and I still want _you_ here. Unless I've misunderstood horribly, you're still my friend, and I can't tell you how much of a relief that is."

"I was upset, but I didn't mean to take it all out on you. You're my best friend Dirk - and that means you see the worst side of me sometimes... and it's not ok, because you've been through so much shit in your life Dirk and I just, I _can't_ add to it. You deserve so much better."

For a brief moment, Dirk looked worried at the mention of what he _deserved_ but shook it off.

"I'm sorry I told Amanda about...what you said. It just sort of, came out in conversation... I'm still rather new to this whole 'friend' thing. I know I can be... _difficult_. To be around I mean."

Todd sat up at that and gripped Dirk by the arm urgently. "Dirk, listen to me. You're _not_ difficult to be around. You don't deserve to be treated like shit and I'm sorry I did."

"Todd. I blew up the kitchen." Dirk pointed out with a hint of self-deprecating humour.

But Todd didn't find anything about the situation funny. Not yet.

"You were going to _leave_ Dirk." he said very quietly. "And you thought I came back to hurt you, to _punish_ you for doing something wrong - you were actually _scared_ of me. None of that is ok."

"I wasn't scared, I was just...very... _alert_." Dirk said and then sighed. "It's not your fault I don't know how any of this works. You once said Blackwing didn't teach me how to be a good friend and you were right." He shrugged. Todd winced at the reminder of another mean-spirited comment made in anger. "They taught me a lot of other, less helpful things. Like what to expect if I make someone angry. But that _isn't your fault_ Todd, I'm very aware that I'm not exactly...normal."

"Dirk, you're exactly right the way you are."

Dirk looked away at that, trying unsuccessfully to stop tears welling up.

"Thank you." he said quietly.

"I still have a lot of work to do. But you're fine." Todd added, finally relaxing the tone slightly as he smiled at him.

Todd helped Dirk up and they surveyed the kitchen doubtfully. He picked up the letter left there for him on what was once a counter and put it in a pocket for later.

"Let's go and see what Farah found out at about the Ozyrian People of ancient mesopotamia and then I'm thinking we'll order in..." Todd said. Dirk nodded at him with a smile that suggested he didn't have a care in the world.

If there was anything Todd envied about Dirk (and there was a lot about Dirk's life that Todd definitely did _not_ envy) it was his ability to shrug off concerns and worries in their entirety and look forward to the next thing on the to do list like nothing else mattered.

Todd would worry enough for the both of them.

\-----------------

Later that night Todd opened the letter. He looked at the shaky writing and circular water drop marks and had to take a deep breath before reading to shake off the instantaneous guilt.

"Dear Todd,

You have no idea how much our time together meant to me. Being your friend, getting to know you, and setting up the agency has been the greatest and happiest time of my life.

I want you to know that I understand why you couldn't put up with me any longer, and don't hold it against you. You're right. There is something wrong with me. I don't know what it is or why, but everyone can see it, everyone has _always_ been able to see it. My mother could see it. It's the reason she sent me to Blackwing. But they couldn't fix whatever is wrong with me, so they were probably right to keep me locked up.

I still believe there must be some way for me to help people without leaving a trail of death and destruction - I have to keep believing that and keep trying. But I won't ruin your life any more. I've done more than enough damage already.

I hope one day you can forgive me but if not, please at least know how truly and deeply sorry I am for all the pain and suffering I have caused.

I want you to always remember that you are much braver and more capable than you ever give yourself credit for, and thank you again for saving my life so many times.

I will often think of the time we had together and will never forget you and everything you did for me.

Dirk Gently. "

Todd closed his eyes tightly, then lay on his bed looking up at the ceiling, deep in thought.

After a few minutes, he had an idea, and got out a piece of paper and pen.

"Dear Dirk,

Before you came into my life I was miserable. I'd shut the world out, I hated myself, and I refused to feel anything because I knew all I would feel was guilt, loneliness and hopelessness. You changed all that.

You had enough heart for both of us. You reminded me what it was like to care about life, to care about someone else, to be worth something.

Despite how everyone has treated you all your life, you see the good in others and treat them with kindness and genuine empathy. You inspire me to try and be a better person. To be the kind of person who deserves to be Dirk Gently's best friend. I know I'm not there yet, but I want to be, and I hope one day I will be.

You're probably wondering why I'm writing this. I'm not going anywhere. I just wanted you to have something in writing to remind you that I want you in my life, and to thank you for making my life worth living.

You're exactly right the way you are.

Your best friend,

Todd."

He would give it to Dirk tomorrow as the start of a campaign to reverse all the brainwashing and conditioning Blackwing had inflicted on his friend. He knew it would take a long time, but Todd was stubborn, and Dirk was worth it.


	50. Friends and Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt fill for hittooclosetohome- hope you like it, I tried :) 
> 
> Protective!Rowdies and Protective!Amanda offer Dirk an alternative to staying with Todd and putting up with his verbal/emotional abuse.

Martin pulled up on the side of the road just before they crossed the border into Oregon. He rested his arms on the steering wheel and stared straight ahead.

"So? Are we good to track down this lead in California?" Amanda prompted from the seat next to him.

"You're the boss, drummer." Martin said, glancing sideways at her. "We go where you tell us."

"But..?"

He turned entirely to face her.

"Before we start crossing borders, how much do you trust that brother a' yours?"

"Not at all." Amanda said without hesitation. "Why? What's Todd got to do with this?"

Martin said nothing for a moment and then said:

"If you think it's safe to leave the Brit with your brother, we can go. If not, maybe we should hang around a little longer."

Amanda wasn't sure she followed. She looked at the others who seemed, as usual, entirely on Martin's wavelength.

"In case he needs us." Cross added, to help clarify.

Amanda's eyes widened. It hadn't occurred to her that the Rowdies would consider Dirk in their calculations.

"Wait...so after all that 'he's not our friend' stuff" Amanda mimicked Martin's voice "now you don't want to go too far away from Dirk in case he needs our help?" she said half teasingly and half with respect.

Martin shrugged. "Maybe we look out for him from time to time. He's one of us."

"Oh." Amanda said thoughtfully. "So... when you said he's not your _friend,_ you meant he's more like _family_."

Martin shrugged again but didn't disagree.

Amanda turned back to the front of the van pensively. Martin had never liked Todd, he had taken an instinctive dislike of him as soon as they met. She'd come to realise that Martin's holistic instincts were not to be ignored.

She thought of her brother's betrayal, his sense of entitlement and anger issues. Then she thought of Dirk's kindness and positivity, with layers of self-doubt just under the surface. Dirk didn't deserve to be treated the way she had been. After a moment she said "Maybe you're right. Let's go check up on them, see how they're doing first."

Martin nodded, and turned the van around. It seemed to Amanda that some intangible tension that had been building as they drove further away from Seattle was lifted.

\--------------------------------

Amanda and the Rowdies dropped in on them as soon as they got back to Seattle and they caught up over dinner. After dinner, conversation moved to the latest case and Dirk brought them up to speed with all that had happened so far.

Once he was done, Todd started thinking out loud about different aspects of the case, trying to connect together what they had. He played back some of the facts of the case.

"... and then we have that drug dealer guy, Donny-"

"How do you know he was a drug dealer?" Dirk asked.

"Um, maybe because of all the cannabis plants in his house?"

"Maybe he just liked how they look? Houseplants make things look more homey."

"Dirk, I know your only _actual_ qualification is as a government experiment but even you can't be that stupid." Todd said as a throwaway comment.

Dirk looked away at that, trying to hide his obvious hurt at the comment.

Martin stood up and got in Todd's personal space, looming over him, and looking down at him contemptuously. He said nothing out loud, although Todd felt he got the message loud and clear.

"Amanda?" he appealed, hoping she would call them off as the other Rowdies gathered claustrophobically around him. Amanda stood just behind them.

"-the fuck did you just say to Dirk?" Amanda said with barely suppressed fury.

"I -"

"You fucking do NOT talk to Dirk that way." she said with seething anger.

"It was just a joke!"

"Blackwing ain't no joke." Gripps observed in a low tone.

"You better listen to me, now." Martin said in a quietly deadly tone. "The way you treat him" he pointed to Dirk. "That's how we're gonna treat you. So you better start treating him with a little _respect_....do you understand?"

"I get it I'm sorry!" Todd said, sounding more impatient than actually remorseful.

Amanda shook her head. "Are you _ever_ gonna fucking stop disappointing me? You don't 'joke' about Blackwing, asshole, and Dirk is not stupid. He solves cases you wouldn't be able to figure out if you had a million years. So how about you shut the fuck up and stop undermining your best friend"

"You're right, you're right." Todd said, guiltily. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that Dirk, you're not stupid and I'm...I'm sorry I called you a government experiment."

"It's all right Todd, I know you didn't mean it like that."

"Dirk." Amanda turned to him and shook her head in despair.

"Amanda, Martin, thank you for sticking up for me like that, I do appreciate it." Dirk said, genuinely touched by their protectiveness.

Martin rubbed his forehead before turning his back on Todd and turning to face Dirk,

"You're out of Blackwing now, and you can do better than this piece of shit."

"We _all_ make mistakes but the important thing is recognising it and apologising - and Todd just said he was sorry. I forgive him because that's what friends do and Todd's my friend. Just like he forgives me when I get things wrong." Dirk explained his reasoning, looking very uncomfortable at finding himself arbitrating a room full of people he liked enormously. Couldn't everyone just get on with everyone else?

"No Dirk." Amanda said kindly. "The important thing is not pulling the same shit over and over again. Tell me Todd hasn't said a whole bunch of other mean shit to you?"

"Well..." Dirk said doubtfully, as a few instances came to mind.

"Tell me he hasn't made you feel small or worthless or scared or used against you things you told him in confidence? You don't have to put up with this Dirk, you deserve so much better! Todd is _not_ your only friend."

"She's right, you deserve better." Todd said quietly. "I'm sorry Dirk."

Dirk looked between them, and Amanda knew he would feel sorry for Todd rather than be angry at him. She looked at him with worry. His natural empathy was part of what made him who he was, but she wished that Blackwing hadn't systematically eroded his sense of his own self-worth. Hadn't twisted his understanding of how he deserved to be treated.

Dirk moved the conversation on but before they left, Amanda took him to one side.

"Next time he pulls this shit you call us ok? You call us and we'll come get you. It's not ok. Dirk, you escaped from Blackwing _twice_ and you can escape from this too."

He smiled fondly at her. "Thank you Amanda. I think Todd got the point though, I'm sure he won't say any more unkind things in future."

She put a hand on his arm, wishing she could share his optimism. "Just promise you'll call us"

Dirk nodded and they had a parting hug.

On the way out Martin stopped in front of Dirk and held out his baseball bat.

"Here." he said.

It took Dirk a second to realise he was offering to give it to him as protection.

"Oh..." Dirk said, rather touched at the gesture. "That's very kind but also not really...my _style_ " Dirk said honestly.

Martin retracted the offer, knowing the Brit was right, but still looked speculatively at Dirk over the edge of his glasses.

"You don't need to worry about me, I can look after myself." Dirk added.

Martin put a hand on Dirk's head for a moment, and gave him a look Dirk found hard to define before he left with the others. 

\-----------------

Amanda was worried that Dirk would never call, no matter how much worse it got. But it was only a week later when Dirk phoned her, and she had no doubts about why he was calling.

"Amanda, hi! It's Dirk"

"Hi Dirk what's up?"

"Oh uh...I just... fancied a chat? Unless you're busy, you're probably busy on important Punk Vampire Business I expect -I can call back if it's more convenient"

Dirk heard Amanda talk to Martin in the background of the call

 _"Martin - turn around we need to go get Dirk..._ Dirk we're coming to you - are you at the apartment? Pack your things ok?"

The relief in Dirk's voice was audible as he said "It _would_ be good to see you."

"Is Todd there?"

"No he's out, food shopping I think."

"What did he say to you?"

"It was nothing really I just-"

"Dirk." Amanda said knowingly, but gently.

"He was rather upset at the time."

"And?"

"And he said he was sorry afterwards..."

" _And_?"

"And he said...that I was so useless that maybe Mr Priest was the only person who could get through to me. That maybe if he...if he called Blackwing they'd know how to make me clean the kitchen."

Amanda took a deep breath. 

"I'm gonna kill that fucking piece of shit." she vowed. He heard her relaying to Martin what he'd told her and he wasn't sure if the resulting growl came from Martin, the van, or both.

"I just... I suppose it made me feel a bit...sort of..." Dirk struggled.

"fucking terrified? angry? sad? hurt?" Amanda prompted when he didn't continue.

"Well, yes. Something like that." Dirk acknowledged.

"He had no right to say that to you. Thank god you called us"

"In Todd's defence I _did_ leave the kitchen in a bit of a mess."

"Oh fuck no Dirk, just don't even. Look we're pulling up outside ok so get ready to go."

\---------------

Dirk met Amanda outside the apartment and she hugged him. The Rowdies disappeared up the stairs to trash the apartment with enthusiasm and thoroughness.

"Can Mona come?" he asked, holding up an egg whisk.

"You even need to ask? Of course she can Dirk, come on."

He hesitated, looking at the apartment with worry.

"You're doing the right thing, I promise." she said, holding his hand. Martin appeared at his side as the rest of the Rowdies filed back to the van. Vogel grabbed Dirk's bag on the way through and shoved it roughly inside the van.

Dirk stopped.

"I can't go." he said, frowning.

Amanda looked worriedly at Martin who gave her a slight nod, and she hesitated a moment, but decided to trust him and left them alone.

"I'm being selfish." Dirk shook his head. "What if he needs me? What if he has a pararibulitis attack and there's no one around to help or if something happens and -"

"Dirk." Martin said, looking him straight in the eyes.

It was the first time the Rowdy had _ever_ used Dirk's name and it shocked him into silence. Martin spoke slowly and deliberately, with a softness he reserved for the most important conversations.

"If you think I'm going to leave you here, and let this dumbass piece of shit treat you like garbage, then you don't know me as well as I thought you did."

Martin let that sink in for a moment as Dirk looked at him in stunned silence. He put a hand on Dirk's shoulder.

"We're not going to let him abuse you, and we're not leaving you here. Do you understand?" Martin tilted his head to one side slightly. "Come with us."

Dirk's eyes filled with tears as he recognised the warmth and fondness he'd somehow never understood before. He nodded, unable to speak.

It was suddenly very clear to Dirk who his real friends were, and he walked with him to the van where Amanda pulled him up to the seat between Martin and herself. For the first time in his life, he felt safe.


	51. Hospital Bedside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a nice version of Todd to make up for the mean!Todd chapters lol 
> 
> Immediately Post Season 2. This time, Todd is there for Dirk when he wakes up in hospital, and clarifies a few misconceptions. Bit of friendship fluff really.

When Todd entered the hospital room where Dirk was recovering post surgery, he heard him before he saw him. He seemed to be recounting the story of one of his many past cases and Todd looked around, expecting to see a nurse or doctor in the room, but there was no one there.

"Todd! You're here!" Dirk broke off as soon as he saw him and Todd detected more than a little relief in his tone.

"Dirk, were you just...talking to yourself?" Todd asked, looking around again.

"There was no one else to talk to until you arrived - but you're here now so I can talk to you instead" Dirk said, pleased. Todd wondered if it was the drugs they'd given him that were making him sound just slightly manic. He still looked far too pale, and hadn't had much colour to begin with.

"Are you ok? How's Farah? How are Hobbs and Tina? Are they ok? Please tell me they'll be ok"

"I would if you let me get a word in edgeways..." Todd said, sitting next to him.

"Then they're ok?"

"They will be. They're all out of surgery and the doctors say they should make a full recovery with a few months of physiotherapy."

Dirk breathed out in relief. "Thank God" he said with feeling.

"Yeah." Todd agreed. It had been a long few days, and he was exhausted, doing the rounds of his four friends making sure they were all being taken care of.

"Are you all right Todd?" Dirk asked, watching him as he slumped into the chair.

"Just tired. And so, so glad that last case is over. God what a nightmare..." he shook his head.

"It reminds me of a case I was on once where-"

"Dirk wait...why were you talking to yourself when I came in?"

Dirk shrugged. "I just prefer it to the silence. I don't like hospitals very much. They remind me of the hospital ward at Blackwing and having spent rather a lot of time there as a child I would rather _not_ be reminded of it. Oh - maybe I could check myself out?" He suggested but then tried to sit up and changed his mind as soon as his leg made its opinion known. "Perhaps not."

Todd stood up in alarm at this attempt "Dirk, seriously you only just got out of surgery."

He didn't sit back down. He was thinking back to the first time he'd seen Dirk come out of hospital, after the Spring case. Dirk had been talking to himself then too, and now he knew it was because the detective felt insecure, he wished he'd got there sooner.

"I know you have a lot of people to visit but can you stay a couple more minutes?" Dirk said. "No, that's selfish. Forget I said that-"

"I'm not going."

Todd could tell that Dirk needed him right now. Despite the speed with which Dirk had glossed over it, it was obvious that he was feeling vulnerable at the moment, and Todd didn't like to dwell on just _why_ his friend had spent so much time in Blackwing's hospital ward but he didn't like the sound of it one bit.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there before, when you woke up from the Spring case. But I'm here now." he said softly.

"I do feel a lot better with you here. I wasn't entirely sure I'd see you again"

"Are you...are you serious?" Todd asked with an eyebrow raised.

"We solved the case, and you found Amanda..." Dirk pointed out, looking away sadly.

"Yeah, and I found _you_ Dirk. You really think I'd spend months looking for you and then just walk away now that I finally found you?"

Dirk looked at him in confusion.

"But you were only looking for me so you could find Amanda." he said. "Unless..." he frowned.

Todd waited, expecting him to be on the verge of a happy revelation, but instead he said:

"I know I said the Universe would reward you for helping me, and I know it _punished_ you instead, but I don't know how to fix that Todd, I'm sorry." he said softly.

"Dirk... I _know_ you're not stupid. I've seen you connect the dots between things in seconds that would have taken me a million years to figure out...how can you _possibly_ not figure this out?" he shook his head, as Dirk stared at him in perplexity.

"I'm your _friend_ Dirk, I was looking for you because I care about you. I thought about you every day. _Every day_ Dirk, worried about what they were doing to you and if you were ..." Todd swallowed. "you were scared or alone." he looked down. Now he _really_ knew he was tired.

Dirk was looking at him in shock, tears welling as he looked away, blushing.

"But... but you said I was _annoying_ and...a bad friend and I thought...and Blackwing kept saying that I..."

"Blackwing can go to hell." Todd said firmly. "And I didn't mean that Dirk. I mean, you can be annoying, but so can I. I mean, I can be _really_ annoying, trust me. But you're not a bad friend. You're the best friend anyone could have and I'd hate to lose you again. I'm sorry I said it I just - it has been one of the most stressful weeks of my whole life and that's not from lack of competition."

"You... you really want to...to stay? To still be my friend after everything that's happened?"

"Dirk, if you try to stop me I'll be forced to climb through the window of your apartment."

"What if I throw a shoe at you?"

Todd's smile turned into a chuckle as Dirk looked at him radiating a kind of hope and joy that definitely hadn't been there when Todd first entered the room. Despite that, he looked tired, and his eyelids were getting heavier and heavier.

"You can go to sleep you know. I'll be here when you wake up."

"You'll...stay?" Dirk mumbled as his eyes closed.

"Always." Todd answered with a fond smile.


	52. Post Case Blues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another bit of friendship fluff where Todd gets to be a good friend. Pancakes don't fix everything, but they're a start.

It had been an eventful case, and Todd was aware that Dirk had thrown himself into it to avoid talking or thinking about his recent visit to Blackwing and the following Cardenas case, but still - Dirk seemed to be genuinely engaged with it which was something.

That's why it was a shame it ended the way it did.

Their client had been a brother and sister requiring help with a family heirloom. Todd had to concede that it had been rather more dangerous than you might expect from a very old painting of log cabin, but as Dirk noted in his case sum up:

"And best of all - we all came out of it alive!" he beamed at them, feeling that on this account it had been one of, if not his single most successful case ever.

"So I have the final invoice ready-" Todd started, putting a paperclip on a couple of sheet of paper and a copy version.

"Are you fucking crazy?" the man said to him.

He turned on Dirk.

"You nearly got us killed. You nearly got my _sister_ killed TWICE. And you are...you're... I don't know what the fuck you are but you're dangerous, you need to be locked up. You _deserve_ to be locked up where you can't get people killed!"

He was shaking, incandescent with rage as he turned to Todd and added "if you think we're paying you _money_ after all that you have to be out of your fucking mind" he turned and stormed out.

Dirk stared after him, frozen to the spot.

"Hey!" Todd yelled after him, furious. "Goddamnit after everything we did for that ungrateful son of a ..." he turned to Dirk and tried to read the expression on his face. At times like these, he remembered how short a time he'd really known the detective, because he couldn't even begin to interpret the look.

"Are you ok?" he asked in concern. "You know everything he said was bullshit right?"

Dirk didn't reply, he was still staring at the door after the man.

"Dirk?"

"Hm?" Dirk turned to him slowly.

"Don't listen to that jackass ok?"

Dirk gave a forced laugh. "Todd, if I listened to everyone who told me there was something _wrong_ with me, that I'm dangerous or not human or that I deserved to be alone or locked up or dissected or -"

"Dirk! Breathe..." Todd interrupted urgently.

Dirk took a deep breath. "Well anyway, if I listened to people like that...I would probably go mad"

He swallowed and in just that fraction of a second, Todd caught a glimpse of the despair he really felt before he plastered on an unconvincing smile and left for the kitchen.

Todd's eyes followed him and he chewed thoughtfully on his lip in worry. He didn't know how to fix this, but he wanted to.

He followed Dirk into the kitchen where he found him nursing a cup of tea.

"Hey...that guy was in shock, but when he stops to think about it he'll realise that we saved their lives, and the lives of those three dock workers. Maybe that dolphin too, although she was pretty resourceful she might have been ok anyway. But we definitely helped her out."

Dirk looked up at him and gave him a small smile. "Thank you Todd. I know you're trying to make me feel better and that means a lot to me."

"But I mean it Dirk, you really did save their lives. Just because they can't see it - there's nothing wrong with you ok?"

Dirk stopped and looked at him at that.

"Literally everyone I've ever met has thought there was something wrong with me, Todd."

"I don't."

"Maybe you don't _now_ , or at least you're too kind to say it, but even _you_ thought so at first."

Todd sighed, sitting down opposite him with a frown. "What can I do to make you believe that none of this is your fault? That despite a whole bunch of shitty circumstances, you're still the best person I know and far better than this world deserves?"

Dirk looked down at his tea thoughtfully.

"Would pancakes help?" Todd asked, knowing that anything sweet had been off the menu at Blackwing, and the sugar boost invariably cheered his friend up, even if it was only a temporary measure.

"It would help." Dirk mumbled but then looked at him with a slightly hopeful look that Todd found absurdly adorable.

"Would it help if I point out that my sister who is a magic witchakookoo, and Farah, who is a badass ninja, and Mona who can be anything - would _all_ agree with me?"

"It would." Dirk nodded.

"Well then that's four of us whose opinions are way more important than anyone else's, right? Or are you going to tell me that Amanda doesn't know what she's talking about?"

"Your sister _is_ pretty amazing Todd. So are Farah and Mona. And you. Perhaps you're right..."

"Ok then. Let's go get pancakes. I'm buying. And don't worry about the cost of it either, Farah's gonna make that guy pay his bill whether he wants to or not"

"Do you think she would video it for us?" Dirk asked with a mischievous look.

Todd felt that feeling that used to be so rare and was becoming more and more familiar to him: the feeling that he was being a good friend. He was starting to find it addictive and smiled back at Dirk fondly.

"I think it's more fun to imagine. We can think up some alternatives on the way." he said as he grabbed his wallet.


	53. Things to Think About

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amanda gives both Todd and Dirk something to think about.
> 
> Protective!Amanda sorting things out. Because it's not just about Todd not saying mean things, it's also about Dirk really understanding why it's not ok. 
> 
> And yeah ok I went for Redemption!Todd on this one, but apparently I really can think of an endless number of mean things that Todd could potentially say to Dirk... it is a little too plausible sometimes! But he's trying...

"Look, I'm sure at Blackwing you had people to wait on you hand and foot and clean up after you - and I'm _sorry_ they didn't teach you how to be a good housemate, but you can't just leave stuff everywhere!" Todd ranted at Dirk, who looked around the room and noticed for the first time that it was a mess.

Amanda came out from the guest room with a scowl and glared at Todd.

" ' the fuck did you just say?" she demanded.

He looked up at her, still annoyed and gestured to the kitchen.

"Look at the mess in the kitchen and all this shit everywhere"

"I didn't ask about the kitchen, I asked you what the fuck you just said to Dirk, because from here it sounded like you were being a massive asshole"

"It's fine, really Amanda- Todd's right - I'll go and clean it up" Dirk intervened.

"Dirk you sit down." Amanda said, without taking her eyes off Todd and advancing towards him.

"No really you have no idea how much mess I can-"

"SIT. Down." she said and Dirk sat down, watching them anxiously.

"You do not get to talk to him that way." she said to Todd, calmly, but with anger clearly just below the surface.

Todd went to say something and she held a finger up, eyes flashing dangerously.

"You fucking do NOT talk to Dirk that way. Blackwing wasn't a fucking luxury hotel, Todd, it was a military _prison_. A prison that took Dirk's childhood away from him, and experimented on him and did god knows what other awful shit to him. You do NOT get to throw it in his face every time you're a little bit annoyed about some little thing."

Todd looked away thoughtfully, aware that Amanda might just have a valid point.

"Please don't fight" Dirk interjected hurriedly.

Amanda sighed and finally turned to the detective sitting on the sofa, and sat on the coffee table opposite him.

"You're not off the hook either Dirk. I wouldn't have to stick up for you if you stuck up for yourself."

Todd sighed. "Amanda's right."

"As always" Amanda noted.

"I'm sorry Dirk I shouldn't have said that. I know Blackwing wasn't a hotel or...anything good. I had no right to bring it up like that and use it against you."

"In a way you weren't wrong. There are a lot of things they didn't teach me at Blackwing."

"No." Amanda shook her head. "Just...no. Dirk, that's _exactly_ why it's not cool to bring it up like it's no big deal. It's a big deal ok?"

"Yeah... what she said." Todd said awkwardly. "I was an insensitive asshole and I won't ever say anything like that again."

"If he does fucking punch him in the face. Or call me, and I'll do it." Amanda said. "Come on, you're coming with me. We're going shopping, and Todd can stay here and think about what he's done, and clean up the fucking kitchen while he's at it."

\-----------

When they returned, Amanda smiled at Dirk, glared at Todd and then went to her room and shut the door without any further ado.

Dirk stood there for a moment, and Todd couldn't help but notice that he wasn't his usual post-shopping self. Sure, the plethora of bags were present, probably with the usual assortment of colourful items that Todd couldn't imagine looking good until he found they did indeed look good, somehow, on Dirk. But the usual retail satisfied joy was gone, and in its place was a thoughtfulness that was almost worried.

"How'd it go?" Todd asked cautiously.

"It was...good. I got a few things - I'll show you later if you like" Dirk said, unusually subdued.

"Did something happen? I'm still really sorry about earlier - I've ordered your favourite in for dinner, with extra dessert. And I cleaned the kitchen, and I put up those fairy lights you wanted in the lounge..." Todd said nervously.

Dirk put the bags in his room and then joined him in the lounge where he'd been tuning his guitar before Dirk came in.

"Amanda just gave me a lot to think about. She's rather clever your sister isn't she?"

Todd smiled fondly. "She's always been the smart one. She has a habit of doing that to me too."

Dirk nodded.

"What did she...say?" Todd asked tentatively.

"She was just a bit worried about....well, she thought I should be more.... and the whole thing with..." Dirk gestured broadly and Todd had absolutely no idea what he was talking about. Dirk sighed. "There was a _lot_ , Todd."

Todd waited patiently for him to collect his thoughts, and then said "I'll go make some hot chocolate while you think about it."

When he came back Dirk had apparently zoned out again but took the mug from him.

"I suppose Amanda's _main_ point was that I should be a bit more ... _angry_ about the whole...Blackwing thing."

"About what they did to you?" Todd ventured.

"Yes. The whole...kidnap and torture and imprisonment and manipulation and...well, all that sort of thing."

Todd raised his eyebrows at Dirk's casually nightmarish list.

"So you're... _not_ angry about it?" he asked, still trying to tread as lightly as possible, feeling way out of his depth.

"I don't know really. I try not to think about it if I can help it. But Amanda thinks I ought to feel angry because that would mean that I really _understand_ that what happened was...wrong." Dirk swallowed, and looked at his hands.

Todd looked at him thoughtfully. His sister _was_ clever. She'd put into words something Todd had vaguely understood but not been able to articulate about Dirk's attitude to Blackwing.

"What they did to you was incredibly fucked up, you know that right?"

Dirk sighed. "It's complicated. They always made me feel like that's the only place I should be. And there are still times when I feel like... I deserve to be locked up, like the world isn't safe from me. That's always... _there_ , at the back of my mind. It feels like, for me, I'm always doing something wrong by being free, when really the CIA were doing something wrong keeping me in prison. I know that _logically_ , but I just can't ...seem to see it that way."

Todd wished he knew what to say to make any of that ok. Dirk continued, having gathered momentum.

"And I hated, I mean I _really hated_ all of the constant pain and suffering...and all the loneliness... " he tensed at the memory and shook his head "I hate even thinking about it - but when it's the same for years and years and you grow up with it... it just becomes normal. How can you be angry at something that's just your everyday life Todd?" he looked at Todd then, who was watching him with a distraught expression.

"God I'm fucking sorry Dirk, you didn't deserve any of that. I think Amanda's right but, you're right too, it's a lot to take in and figure out. But we'll work through it ok? Together. And maybe over time we'll figure out how to deal with some of it. But I swear from now on I'm not adding to any of the shit you've been through, I'm on your side 100% and you can talk to me about any of it, whenever."

"I'm not sure there are any answers but...perhaps Amanda is right. Perhaps it's time I stopped trying to lock away 9 years of my life and tried to investigate what they...mean. A new case."

"Can I be your assistant?" Todd offered.

"You already are. Also, this hot chocolate is _excellent_ "

"I know right? I got it at that new deli place on the corner."

Dirk relaxed and Todd knew he had correctly interpreted the signal to lighten the mood.

"Something else that deserves further investigation I think. Now, I seem to recall you mentioning something about ordering my favourite dinner with extra dessert? When you say extra, how much extra are we talking about...?"


	54. Ghosts of Christmases Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> GoodFriend!Todd finds out what Christmas has been like for Dirk up until now, and decides to make this year different. Short bit of friendship fluff.

Todd knocked on Dirk's door and entered at the cheerful 'Come in'

Dirk was sat on his bed reading a detective novel which he put to one side, and Todd sat on his bed.

"I need some advice." he opened. Dirk looked absolutely thrilled to be asked for advice and leaned forward eagerly.

"Oh?"

"What do you think I should get Amanda for Christmas? I've been thinking about it all week and I still have absolutely nothing. Like not even a _single_ idea.

Dirk stared at him for a moment.

"You ok?" Todd asked when he got no response.

"Shit" Dirk said "Christmas presents... that's a, a _thing_ that people do... Todd!" he grabbed hold of Todd in a slight panic. "I haven't got anyone _anything_!"

"Hey it's ok there's plenty of time Dirk"

" _Is_ there though?"

"There's like practically a whole month. Well, 3 weeks, still - that's plenty of time"

"I've never...I've never bought anyone a christmas present before" Dirk said, looking inordinately stressed out at the thought.

"Dirk it's ok, I'll help you, I promise. It's not supposed to be stressful, it's supposed to be fun..."

"Fun, right yes presents should be fun, let me see, there's you and Amanda and Farah and Mona and Hobbs and Tina and oh my god there's so many people..." Dirk said in despair. "What on _earth_ do you get someone who can literally turn into _anything?"_

"Can I ask you something?" Todd asked with concern.

"Of course you can Todd you don't need to ask if you can ask me something, or you'd have to start asking if you can ask me if you can ask something, and then-"

"Dirk seriously. Calm down."

"Sorry." Dirk took a deep breath, and then another.

"I mean you don't have to answer if you don't want to. I just wondered...what kind of Christmases you've had up til now? Like what did you do for Christmas?"

"Oh...well..." Dirk blushed slightly. "They weren't especially interesting Todd. Just another day really. At Blackwing they gave us the day off testing which was nice." He shrugged. "Then after Blackwing I spent a few at various food kitchens which was also nice - they give you free hot food and you can talk to some really _interesting_ people...then when I finally saved up enough to get my own place I sometimes celebrated with a christmas muffin or something - and when I got a computer I could watch Christmassy films and order in christmas themed pizzas."

Todd tried not to show the sorrow he felt, in case it made Dirk feel embarrassed, but the picture he painted of deprivation and loneliness filled him with compassion and sadness for his friend. It was made worse by the fact that he knew Dirk would love Christmas if he'd ever been given a chance at it.

"I suppose it's been getting better every year really." Dirk reflected contentedly, apparently unaware that his best Christmas did not compare favourably with Todd's _worst._

"Well this year will be the best yet." Todd said softly, vowing to himself as much as to Dirk. "I think it's time you had an actual, _proper_ Christmas. Leave it with me." Todd said, already mentally planning "But first things first. We both need a present for Amanda, so let's start coming up with ideas and then we'll move on to the others."

After 15 minutes or so it became clear to Todd that he needed a new approach, as the suggestions from Dirk varied from wildly inappropriate to not actually real, and thinking about it, he knew Dirk was more likely to stumble on the right gift by chance than anything else, though he didn't say it out loud.

"You know what? Let's go to the shops and see if we get any inspiration."

"Great idea Todd! Phenomenal assisting."

He went to grab his coat and wallet but turned in the doorway.

"Dirk?"

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry you...it sounds like you had a few...really shitty years. It's pretty amazing that you built up your whole agency from nothing like that."

Dirk's expression softened, as he smiled at him. "Thank you Todd. No one's ever said that before but I _have_ always felt rather...proud of that."

"You should be." Todd smiled at him.


	55. Lockdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The lockdown fic that nobody asked for and nobody wanted? Correct. 
> 
> Todd wants to keep Dirk safe from a certain virus, and friendship fluff ensues.

"Anything we need? I'm going to the supermarket" Todd said as he grabbed the list from the fridge.

"I could go with you?" Dirk said hopefully.

"Dirk, we talked about this. You can't come with me."

Todd added a couple of things to the list and then looked over to Dirk, noting the lack of response. He frowned as he saw Dirk sitting on the sofa, holding the edge of a blanket and fiddling with it absently. Todd sat next to him and waited.

"I...don't like being trapped inside." Dirk said despondently after a while.

"I know. But you also have no immune system, so right now there's too high a risk of you catching the virus." Todd reasoned patiently, not for the first time. 

"But the only reason I have no immune system is from being couped up inside so much so surely-"

"The damage is already done." Todd said, then added sympathetically, "I know it sucks...I'm sorry."

Dirk sighed. He wandered over the window, opened it, and leaned on the sill. It wasn't the same as going outside but it was something at least. Something he couldn't do at Blackwing. Todd followed him and their arms touched as they looked out at the lovely blue sky and warm breeze.

"You've been doing great so far...to be honest I thought you'd be bouncing off the walls by now."

Dirk scoffed. "It's only been a month Todd. I ought to be used to prisons by now." he said, with a touch of bitterness.

Todd took his hand. He knew it grounded Dirk to the present, and he wanted to remind him that he wasn't alone this time. Dirk gave him a grateful smile.

"Don't get me wrong, this is still _miles_ better than Blackwing. It just feels like I've spent so much of my life indoors already."

"We'll go to the park later, when there's no one around. Ok?"

If Todd was a little paranoid, it was simply because he really, really didn't want Dirk to catch the virus. Call it a hunch of his own, but he had a feeling that if Dirk caught it, his shitty immune system would make it a life and death struggle, and Todd wasn't prepared to risk it.

Dirk nodded, breathing in the fresh air and staring at the street below yearningly.

"You make me sound like a pet dog but I suppose it's better than nothing." he muttered and Todd chuckled.

Dirk really had adapted well to lockdown, Todd didn't like to think of it as him going into 'prison mode' but that's effectively what it was. He spent time watching TV and playing video games, but he also spent a lot of time doing the kinds of things he was able to do at Blackwing: reading, drawing, doing puzzles. It was disturbingly like a default or auto-pilot.

Dirk's drawings were...interesting. Kind of good in their own way, certainly imaginative, but overall just....interesting. Dirk refused to let Todd see them, but Todd had caught a glimpse or two anyway. Given the tiny glimpse he saw of one picture which described an event which occurred two days later, he understood Dirk's motivation for hiding them was less about embarrassment and more about his not-psychic abilities. He couldn't deny it made him curious, but he didn't push.

Todd played music for Dirk, and Dirk made up stories for Todd (often making them up as he went along, which never ceased to impress him). They played video games. It wasn't boring - they had fun, it was just the underlying itch to be outside that was always there in the background.

And Todd dreaded the day when a case would come knocking - the one thing he couldn't compete with when it came to keeping Dirk indoors.

"Maybe we could go for a drive and you could hang your head out the window" Todd teased.

Dirk looked at him thoughtfully. "You know Todd, that's actually not a bad idea. A roadtrip!"

Todd raised an eyebrow, picturing the scene.

"Also, biscuits, or what you Americans term 'cookies'."

"Huh?"

"For the shopping list. We've run out." Dirk said, turning back to stare nonchalantly out of the window.

"Are you serious? I bought like, 5 packets just the other day!"

"Well I need something to dunk in my tea."

"That can't be healthy...I'm not protecting you from the virus just so you can die of blocked arteries Dirk." Todd said resolutely.

Dirk looked pleased, as he always did, at the intimation that Todd cared about him.

"They are an essential item Todd. For morale."

He turned to Todd with an innocent expression and Todd could actually feel his resolve crumbling the longer he looked at him. He sighed.

"Ok but I'm only getting 3 packs this time."

"Thank you Todd. While you're gone I'll start on some roadtrip ideas!"

Todd shook his head in exasperation, trying to hide the smile as he got his jacket. He tried to imagine being locked down on his own and it bore a horrifying resemblance to the monotony of his life before he'd met Dirk.

As he opened the door he turned before leaving. "Dirk, I'm really glad we got locked down together."

Todd wished Dirk didn't always looked so shocked whenever anyone said anything remotely kind to him, but he did, and right now his eyes were suspiciously moist as he gave him a shy smile and said:

"Me too."

Todd put on two layers of masks and left for the shop. Dirk gave a contented sigh and went back to staring out the window, with a huge grin on his face.


	56. Love and Blankets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An injury brings back a traumatic memory for Dirk. Todd and Farah are there to comfort him. 
> 
> Inspired simultaneously by this amazing fic which in my head has become canon:   
> Scars that remain Chapter 26, by flightinflame: https://archiveofourown.org/chapters/38419364  
> and Krikkiter's portrayal of the relationship between Dirk, Todd and Farah. 
> 
> It works as a standalone story but will probably make more sense with Chapter 26 Scars that Remain in mind.

Dirk held onto the edge of the roof for dear life, trying not to look down at the 16 storeys below him to street level.

The man above gave him a grin that he didn't like the look of. _Come on Dirk,_ he thought. _One last try..._

"I'm sure we can work something out if we discuss this like calm, rational - " Dirk cried out in pain as the man stamped on his hand, he let go, and for a horrifying moment couldn't even feel his other hand to know if he had managed to hang on...but he had. His fingers were trembling with the strain and he was trying very, very hard not to panic as his breathing accelerated.

He was so focused on not letting go, that he was barely aware of what was going on above him, but he heard Farah's voice, and it gave him renewed determination. _Just a few more seconds....he could do this..._

Farah hesitated only a fraction of a second at the choice between chasing after the guy, and rescuing Dirk. She grabbed his arm and hauled him up onto the roof making full use of her gym training combined with a good dose of adrenaline.

They collapsed in mutual relief on the roof, clinging onto each other in an unspoken need for grounding.

A few seconds later Todd arrived, having followed Farah up the stairs with slightly less speed and agility, but with a lot of motivation having seen his best friend dangling precariously off the top of a tall building.

"Oh thank god." he said as he drew them both into a quick hug and pulled back to look them over.

"Thank Farah!" Dirk corrected, holding his left wrist with his right hand to keep it still.

"Dirk your hand - jesus christ, we need to get you to a hospital" he said, looking at the bloody, bruised, swollen fingers sticking out at alarming angles.

Farah inspected the hand carefully.

"You're right, this needs a hospital- but let's make it quick and keep your eyes open. Curtis got away...maybe he'll run, but he could be looking for us."

"For _me_ you mean..." Dirk said guiltily.

"Anyone who takes on you takes on all of us." Farah said. "Come on let's go."

\-----------

"This is not the first time these fingers have been broken." The nurse observed, looking at the x-ray results.

"How did you know that?" Dirk asked as though she'd used magic.

"I can see the lines from previously healed breaks - it looks like nearly every bone in your hand has been broken at least once" she said, sounding shocked.

Todd sent Dirk an enquiring look and he shrugged slightly and said "Mr. Priest"

"Priest broke all the fingers in your hand?"

"He's not the nicest man in the world Todd"

"Would you like me to call the police or social services?" the nurse asked

"Oh no don't worry, all that happened when I was a child."

"I'm sorry." the nurse said softly. She gave Todd a packet of medication and ran through the usual list of timings and small print with practised ease and then referred them back to reception.

"Todd...what was the nurse sorry for?" Dirk asked confused. "The painkillers she gave me are _amazing_ "

"She was just sorry you had such a shitty childhood. So am I. And yeah you got the good stuff..."

It was getting late by this point so they returned to Todd's flat, feeling it was slightly less risky than Dirk's. Farah grabbed an overnight bag from her boot and called in some pizza.

"You're staying too?" Todd asked

"Of course I am" Farah said. "There's a madman out there trying to kill Dirk. If you think I'm just going to leave you here unguarded..."

"Thank you Farah! I feel so much safer with you around" Dirk said, sounding a bit slurred with the effect of the drugs.

After they'd eaten, it was obvious that Dirk was on the verge of falling asleep, they were all pretty exhausted from the day.

Farah set up on the sofa with a gun in easy reach.

Todd was in bed when Dirk entered the room in his pyjamas, looking slightly nervous.

"I was wondering if I could..." he blushed, and Todd took pity on him.

"Of course you can." he said, gesturing to the bed. Dirk got in the other side.

"Thank you Todd. I just think I might sleep better with someone nearby."

"Good night Dirk"

"Good night Todd." Dirk said, and then as far as Todd could tell, fell instantly to sleep.

\-------------------

When Dirk jolted awake, it woke Todd also. Todd's first thought was that if he needed another dose of painkillers it would probably be ok, but then he turned the light on and saw the state of panic his friend was in.

"I fell asleep!" he said with despair. "I fell asleep...I have to keep writing, where's the notebook- I need the book - I have to write my name..."

Farah came in with a hand on her gun in readiness. "Dirk? Is everything ok?"

"I have to keep writing" Dirk said breathlessly, scrabbling forward on the bed searching for a pen

"Hey, Dirk you'll hurt yourself- it's ok, you're at home, it's me, Todd - and Farah"

"You don't understand, he's a _murderer_ \- he'll kill him- he'll kill the doctor and it'll be all my fault - but if I do this he might ...might let him live...oh god I fell asleep and now I can't find the notebook he's going to die because of me, because I was so _stupid_ and _useless_ and-"

Farah took his good hand in both of hers and put it on her chest.

"Dirk, Dirk listen to me ok? Listen to the sound of my voice and feel my breathing. Concentrate on me. Do you know who I am?" she said gently, though unable to conceal her worry.

After a moment of getting his breathing to fall in line with hers Dirk eventually said "Farah? But what are you-"

"And you know who I am?" Todd interrupted, getting his attention. Dirk looked at him.

"Todd!" he said, then looked back at Farah.

"And you know where we are?" Farah asked, rubbing his shoulder reassuringly.

"I..." Dirk flushed red slowly but also breathed out in relief. "In Seattle...at Todd's house"

"It's really more of an apartment, but yeah" Todd said hoping to ease some of the tension just slightly. Dirk was shivering slightly so he moved behind him and acted as a sort of human blanket to keep him warm.

"Sorry..." Dirk said, awkwardly. "Bad dream."

"No shit..." Todd said, a bit dazed. "How's the hand?" he asked, noticing the way Dirk was holding it.

"I wouldn't mind another round of those magical painkillers"

"I'll go get them." Farah offered, and returned with a glass of water and the tablets, which she helped him take.

"Dirk, can you tell us...what happened?" Todd asked, still keeping him close to him and gathering blankets up round them both.

"It's..." Dirk looked at his broken hand. "I was dreaming of the first time, when Priest stamped on my hands and broke all the fingers." Dirk paled and closed his eyes.

Farah took his hand and took up position on the other side of him, making sure he felt safe in a cocoon of love and blankets.

"I told a doctor my name was Dirk instead of Svlad Cjelli and Mr Priest came to my room to punish me for...for lying to him." Dirk shook his head "but it was too late, he beat me but it wasn't enough, he was going to kill the doctor unless I could - I thought if I could find a way to _distract_ him he wouldn't feel like he had to kill the doctor. It would be enough just to punish me... "

Dirk was speaking barely above a whisper, as though afraid Priest could somehow hear him. Todd felt sick. The pain in Dirk's voice, the horrifying childhood he'd lived through was far worse than anything Todd had imagined about Blackwing, or even Priest. He glanced at Farah and knew she felt the same.

"Anyway, he wanted me to fill up the notebook with my name written over and over again"

"After he broke all your fingers" Todd choked out in horror. Dirk nodded.

"I had to fill it up by the morning or he'd kill the doctor. I knew he might kill him anyway but it was a chance at least."

Farah desperately wished she'd shot Priest when she had the chance. "What happened?" she asked.

"I did fill it up...I was up all night trying to fill it in and I nearly didn't make it...god it was one of the longest nights of my life Farah."

"I can't imagine how hard that must have been. I'm so sorry you had to go through that" she said with feeling.

"I was so tired through testing the next day I kept falling asleep and being shocked awake...and they wouldn't tell me what happened to the doctor...it wasn't until 3 months later I found out he was still alive."

"You saved his life."

"Perhaps. Or maybe Priest never had any intention of killing him and was just toying with me. He did that a lot."

"Dirk." Farah took his hand and turned to face him, looking him in the eyes as she said seriously: "that's the bravest thing I've ever heard."

He looked at her wonderingly...whatever response he'd been expecting it obviously hadn't been that.

"Yeah..." Todd said, swallowing. "Yeah that's - me too Dirk. That was ...it was..."

Dirk turned to him uncertainly.

"The kind of thing you'd do" Todd ended very quietly and with equal parts admiration and affection.

Dirk blushed and looked down.

"I didn't feel very brave at the time." he shrugged slightly. He sighed "Come to think of it I don't feel very brave right now... I can't face going back to sleep in case I end up back at Blackwing in my dreams. All I want is to forget it ever happened."

"But it did happen." Farah said firmly. "No matter how much I wish you'd never had to go through that. We're not going to leave you to deal with it alone Dirk."

"Try and get some rest, we'll be right here." Todd said, noticing the dark circles under Dirk's eyes against his pale skin. Dirk nodded reluctantly and with drooping eyelids, lay back on the bed.

Todd didn't let go, he nestled in next to Dirk with an arm draped casually over him. Farah lay down on the other side, intertwined with his good arm. He felt safe and warm and so, so drowsy, and wished he could go to sleep like this every night, with his two best friends by his side.


	57. Personal Experience

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk's personal experience with torture slips out in passing during a case, and Todd and Farah make sure he understands the gravity of it. 
> 
> Protective!Friends

"That guy was terrified." Todd observed as they walked away from interviewing their first lead.

"Did you see his nails?" Farah asked, nodding in agreement.

"You mean the fact he didn't have any?" Todd answered. "It looked like he'd been tortured."

"How long do you think it takes for nails to grow back?" Farah asked.

"Ugh, they take _ages_. About half a bloody year usually." Dirk said with casual certainty.

"You sound like you're talking from personal experience" Todd noted.

"Well you know... Blackwing." Dirk shrugged, suddenly aware of the way Todd and Farah were looking at him.

"They tortured you? Like that?" Todd asked with shock.

"... Not _all_ the time" Dirk said as though that made it ok. "Anyway, excellent noticing skills both of you. I suppose the next obvious step is to visit the grandmother."

"Whose grandmother?" Farah asked confused.

"Glenda's. Her grandmother is obviously caught up in all this and in my experience, old ladies always know what's going on."

"But we don't know where she lives?" Farah pointed out.

"Yes but can't you do some....looking it up thing? With the internet or the library or something?"

"That's not how it works..." Farah said. She turned to Todd and saw that he looked a bit spaced out and pale. "Todd? Are you ok?"

"I..." he said vaguely and Dirk stopped walking and turned to him with obvious concern.

"I'm sorry Dirk, I had no idea Blackwing was that bad. I guess I should have...but it just didn't really occur to me until just then...and I'm sorry you had to go through that."

"Oh." Dirk said surprised. "It's all right Todd it's all over now, thankfully. Worse things happen at sea."

"No, Dirk...they don't" Todd said

"Really? I'm sure I've heard people say that..."

"Todd's right, Dirk. It should never have happened." Farah said, wanting to help Todd keep things on track. "But we're here. If you ever want to talk about it." she put a hand on Dirk's arm supportively.

Dirk sighed, looking at the floor, and it was as though all pretence had been dropped. It reminded Todd of when they had talked in the wood during the Spring case, when Dirk had told him about being 'not psychic, but something' and he'd got to get a glimpse of the 'real' Dirk behind the one focused entirely on the case.

"It's not very easy for me to talk about that time in my life." he said seriously. "Over the years I've come to realise that I can't just... _forget_ about it...those ten years form a part of who I am - perhaps a _large_ part even. But I refuse to let it define me, for all that. What's done is done."

He looked up and found them listening with rapt attention

"I spent a long time trying to prove something - to prove to them that I wasn't dangerous and therefore, didn't deserve all the pain and suffering they put me through... and then I realised I was trying to prove it not to them, but to myself..."

"And..?" Todd asked.

"And what?" Dirk asked confused.

"Then what?"

"Nothing. That's where I am right now. Trying to help more people than I hurt so I can justify being free."

"Dirk..." Farah said in shock. "You don't - you _can't_ really think - even for a _second_ that you deserved to be kidnapped and imprisoned and _tortured_?"

Dirk looked away uncertainly. "Like I say that's what I'm still trying to understand. It's a sort of ongoing case that I-"

"Dirk." Todd interrupted, taking his hands and standing directly in front of him. "Look at me when I tell you this." Dirk looked at him. "You did not deserve _any_ of it. You _never_ deserve to be hurt. By anyone, ever. Do you understand?"

Dirk's eyes filled with tears and he looked thoroughly shocked by Todd's words.

"If you don't understand then we'll help you figure it out because it's important. Ok?" Todd added, seeing that Dirk definitely did _not_ understand. Dirk nodded tentatively.

"Good." Todd said, letting go of his hands and giving him a hug that Dirk returned in a dazed kind of way. Farah gave him a hug too and caught his eyes.

"Listen when I say this because it's not something I'm likely to say very often." She took a deep breath. "Todd's right."

Todd shook his head at her and gave her a very light shove.

"Really though... if anyone tries to hurt you again I will shoot them." she said with a deadly seriousness. "And I mean if they even _think_ about it, they will not get within 10 feet of you, before I will _shoot_ them."

"Thank you." Dirk said, obviously touched.

"You deserve the best in life Dirk."

"Well, I have the best friends so I think I'm doing pretty well on that front." he smiled at them and they carried on walking. As they turned the corner they noticed the library.

"Maybe we should pop in here just in case." Dirk said as he went up the steps. By now, Todd and Farah recognised that tone of voice and just followed. Sure enough, Glenda's grandmother just _happened_ to work in the library and she did indeed have some important clues to share.


End file.
